Long Division

  "His head was a city of paper buildings
And the echoes that remained
Of old friends and lovers
Their features bleeding together in his brain
Once it started it's harder to tell them apart

He was always distracted
By the very mention of an open door
Because he had sworn not to be what he'd been before

To be a remain, remain, remain, remainder" - Long Division, Death Cab for Cutie

I never did feel comfortable in that white plastic folding chair. Its left arm rest had broken on one end and collapsed under the slightest weight, the back legs of the chair were positioned on an unsteady gravel pit that felt as if it would tip over with the slightest shift of backwards momentum. There was no cushion for the chair other than its hard plastic frame that which creaked with every nervous maneuver. I sat among strangers and makeshift friends, all aligned in a circumference in similar makeshift furniture. In the center stood a table, the top of which was obscured by a forest of empty brown beer bottles and cans. I had been welcomed openly into a tightly knit group of pleasant and jovial people despite my presence being foreign and anomalous. I had been given a window seat into the casual weekend night of a group of peers still residing in the college town I had not so long ago called my home. They offered me an invitation to the drinking, games and festivities but I politely declined, content to quietly watch from the sidelines. Or rather was I just too shy too interact? That plastic lawn chair became my fortress and from where I perched I viewed the drunken revelry, grinning in envious approval of my new friends bohemian like energy. I even mouthed the words to the songs they sung, that which secretly I knew most by heart. I sat back in that plastic chair, keeping my feet anchored to the ground, clasped my hands behind my head and stared into the darkness of the night sky. I had been accepted and yet I could not shake the feeling of disconnection, the sense of being out of place and out of touch with what was taking place in front of me. Why the hell was I so goddamn uncomfortable?

I had came up to visit a friend who was soon to be saying her goodbyes. Having known her for some time, it was regrettable that we were not closer friends. She was always someone I admired and her presence was always something I was conscious and aware of. Yet despite occasional run ins on campus we never really connected, somehow time just passed by and what seemed like introductions yesterday soon were to be farewell. An effort no matter how late was still an effort and when I reflect upon all the bridges burned behind me and all the faces I never had the opportunity to formally bid adieu, I was more than enthused to interrupt the boring hum drum grind that my life had become since college and revisit the city town once more to visit her and send her off once more.

Perhaps I shouldn't have gone back with her to meet her friends, maybe I should have said my goodbyes then and there. I was hesitant to go back when she invited me to stay and hang out, knowing full well how shy I can be in unfamiliar group settings. I had came to spend time with her before she left and for a few hours I had enjoyed her company for a Shakespearian play, that was more than I could ask for. Perhaps a finale at that point would have been more poignant and appropriately timed yet I didn't want to seem rude and turn down her offer, this was the girl who single handedly got me to attend math club in high school after all. Or maybe I just wanted to prolong the night for as long as possible, fully aware of the finite time I had available to me.

I never did feel comfortable in that white plastic folding chair but it was not the fault of the chair itself. My new acquaintances never put me in an awkward situation or did anything that would place me at unease. The scorching heat of the day had receded into a cool pleasant breeze and I was in delightful enough company. I mean no ill words of ungratefulness and now that I recollect, I was rather fortunate to have such an enjoyable night. And it was, it was genuinely a fun and entertaining reprieve from the life I had taken up since leaving college and reminded me of how much I missed and loved this college town. In fact I curse my own meekness and inability to overcome my introversion, how easily I was overwhelmed by the group atmosphere and wish I had volunteered more actively. So why was I so uncomfortable then? Why do I sound like I'm in denial and that I'm reassuring myself? Why did I feel like I was invisible, on the outside looking in?

It's a bittersweet epiphany to realize the life you're missing out on with the people you miss. Despite all the accommodations, something deep down inside me knew that I would never truly fit in with these people and that I would always feel uncomfortable sitting in the white plastic lawn chair. They were not my friends but hers and with an almost jealous longing I watched as she interacted with them with such ease. With my head in my hands I recalled the last time I had felt so relaxed around those I had called my closest friends. The memory seemed so old that the details and features seemed to bleed together in my brain. There was no way for me to participate because I was never truly there to begin with, I was instead lost in my own memories. These people were actors putting on a surreal play that recalled echoes of my own Saturday nights of my own past and I a passive audience. As the night dragged on and the fatigue set in, it became increasingly difficult to subdue and keep clandestine the swelling of conflicting emotions inside me. Joy mixed with bitter envy for what was and no longer is and the pervasive loneliness that such feelings yielded, I began even to hate this city that I had once considered a sanctuary. So many people in my life have moved on and here I was witnessing yet another friend leaving me, no longer would I likely run into her on campus as I no longer run into the many faces that have left me behind. I was disconnected from these people not by place but by time, for them they lived in the moment yet for me I remained in the past.

I will miss her as I miss all my friends that have passed me by. Sometimes it seems like you're never really ready to move on and say goodbye, until life has already passed you by.