Acute shortness of breath

She wore an orange shirt today and that ornate earing I remember her wearing the first day I had met her. She looked pretty. As we passed by she stuck her tongue out at me in a goofy way that made me laugh. I walked with her a little bit after the exam and asked her plans for the night. I decided to take a shot and without thinking sat down, maybe instinctively steadying myself for any possible disappointment that might be coming my way. I asked her if she'd like to get some dinner sometime. She told me she had a boyfriend. She quickly followed it up with a genuine interest in hanging out but by that time it felt like the wind in my sails had already dissipated. I told her that'd be cool, that it was no big deal, I don't think I did a very convincing job, and we said we'd see each other next tuesday and we went our separate ways.

Usually when I get rejected by a girl I get incredibly depressed for weeks on end. I'm at a point in my life where I'm either so used to the rejection or that I've come to understand that failure isn't the end of the world. That I should feel disappointed but not cling onto the emotion and suffer because of it. I've been listening to a lot of Buddhist lectures lately and I think that has helped me.

Yet I can't help but feel a little bummed out. Which has me thinking how weird that is. Logically I'm no worse off than I was before. I suppose I did make a fool of myself but I do that all the time. I've been lonely for a good majority of my life when it comes to a female love interest so you'd think that the human heart would become accustomed to it.

But you still feel somewhat vulnerable opening yourself up like that, getting your hopes up somewhat and let down even if it is a gentle fall.

I guess it's important to know that I'm not invulnerable and that I'm human and that I have feelings and that cute girls in orange still make me nervous. Oh well, let it go and move on like the inspiration and expiration of a breath.