Just Coffee...

"I wish I could change, I wish I could change; I wish I could stop sayin the same old things; I wish I could be, who you want me to be; I wish I could stop being the same old me." Complicated by Robin Thicke

I really need to get to sleep and two pills of Simply Sleep downed with some water should cure my usual restlessness tonight, hopefully with out the morning symptom of feeling like you've been run over by a semi truck that I've read some sleep medicines result in. I have an appointment tomorrow w/ a friend that I cannot miss, it's just coffee but conversing with D has got me contemplating and so I'm up to spill my guts.

I never intend to so fully screw myself up and sabotage my personal relationships with personal catastrophic meltdowns. If anything I'm always striving for the opposite and yet it's my extra effort that more times than not provides me with the unwanted result. I know a lot of times I'm just "too much" too fast too soon. I don't mean to be and I don't want to be and I've been aware of what I do for the longest time and yet I still seem to be doomed to repeat my mistakes, each time the same story but different girl.

"There's no way, there's no way, there's no way; I can get back that girl; cause I'm too complicated; she's not complicated; but I'm too complicated" Complicated by Robin Thicke

I've always prided myself on my determination and dedication. To live passionately with no regrets, fully forward and focused. I've always modeled myself after the philosophy that any mountain or challenge can be overcome with enough effort and to never accept failure; failure meant a minor setback caused by not trying hard enough to be ameliorated with more effort. It's bullheaded but it's who I am and this fighting spirit is evident in all manners of tasks that I do whether it's training, studying, or even playing videogames. And as such, it carries over into my mentality of winning the girl. Except I've come to realize that more times than not, that's not how it works or at least it doesn't seem to work for me. People give advice to just "relax and be yourself" when the irony is that that is "myself" and who I am. I don't know how to relax, or take it easy, or to go with the flow or any other taoist like cliche sayings. I want to be, I'm trying to be (there's an irony for ya) and I'm getting better at accepting things and letting things go...
I try too hard for girls to like me and it works against me...subtilty has never been my strongest attribute.

We shape and interpret the world through our experiences...With all the romantic movies and fantastical musicals I've seen maybe my interpretation of romance and love is too overproduced and unrealistic. It seems that only in a movie can a guy get shot down on the first try, only to keep pestering the girl and slowly win her heart through the course of an hour and thirty minutes and in the end the guy gets the girl. In real life, the guy gets called a pervert stalker and gets slapped with a restraining order (a hyperbole). Yet a hopeless romantic with a sleeveless heart I am with a tragic flaw.

It seems that when it comes to relationships, a lot of my friends all have their downfalls. Kaye with her overdependence (something I also share), Nate with his fear of committment, and other friends I've known to be unable to settle with one person or are too jaded from a past relationship or whatever. Maybe I imagine myself as some tragic figure standing out in the rain in a trenchcoat alone because of my own selfishness and inability. Maybe I can't change who I am and overcome this flaw and will always be looking in on a good life I'm doomed never to find.

There was somthing Deena said before she signed off, about maybe then I'll just have to find someone who likes my overextended doting. Though maybe that's part of the problem. That I expect too much by expecting to meet some amazing girl who will balance me out and keep me in check. That I just haven't found a durable girl for my overflowing affection.

After thinking about it though, I think the truth lies, like with many things, somewhere in the middle. I probably do need a girl who appreciates and understands me and my zealous temperment but I need to pull back on the effort to find that girl and not be so much sometimes. It's like I'm aware of how great of a guy I am (as all the girls continue to tell me, whether they mean it or are just being polite) but because of that I try too hard to advertise myself and by doing so I come across as too desperate or overbearing. Now that I think about it, I suppose it all stems from an insecurity of forever being alone, in that if I don't try, maybe nobody will ever take the time to uncover the diamond in the rough that I am (and fitting with my earlier schema, I would then thus "fail" by not trying hard enough). I'm getting better I suppose and penning my thoughts is a good first step in organizing my cognitive disonance.

Well, I need to get some sleep, composing this has taken longer than expected. I'm overthinking this way too much anyway...It's just coffee.

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