Just Coffee...

"I wish I could change, I wish I could change; I wish I could stop sayin the same old things; I wish I could be, who you want me to be; I wish I could stop being the same old me." Complicated by Robin Thicke

I really need to get to sleep and two pills of Simply Sleep downed with some water should cure my usual restlessness tonight, hopefully with out the morning symptom of feeling like you've been run over by a semi truck that I've read some sleep medicines result in. I have an appointment tomorrow w/ a friend that I cannot miss, it's just coffee but conversing with D has got me contemplating and so I'm up to spill my guts.

I never intend to so fully screw myself up and sabotage my personal relationships with personal catastrophic meltdowns. If anything I'm always striving for the opposite and yet it's my extra effort that more times than not provides me with the unwanted result. I know a lot of times I'm just "too much" too fast too soon. I don't mean to be and I don't want to be and I've been aware of what I do for the longest time and yet I still seem to be doomed to repeat my mistakes, each time the same story but different girl.

"There's no way, there's no way, there's no way; I can get back that girl; cause I'm too complicated; she's not complicated; but I'm too complicated" Complicated by Robin Thicke

I've always prided myself on my determination and dedication. To live passionately with no regrets, fully forward and focused. I've always modeled myself after the philosophy that any mountain or challenge can be overcome with enough effort and to never accept failure; failure meant a minor setback caused by not trying hard enough to be ameliorated with more effort. It's bullheaded but it's who I am and this fighting spirit is evident in all manners of tasks that I do whether it's training, studying, or even playing videogames. And as such, it carries over into my mentality of winning the girl. Except I've come to realize that more times than not, that's not how it works or at least it doesn't seem to work for me. People give advice to just "relax and be yourself" when the irony is that that is "myself" and who I am. I don't know how to relax, or take it easy, or to go with the flow or any other taoist like cliche sayings. I want to be, I'm trying to be (there's an irony for ya) and I'm getting better at accepting things and letting things go...
I try too hard for girls to like me and it works against me...subtilty has never been my strongest attribute.

We shape and interpret the world through our experiences...With all the romantic movies and fantastical musicals I've seen maybe my interpretation of romance and love is too overproduced and unrealistic. It seems that only in a movie can a guy get shot down on the first try, only to keep pestering the girl and slowly win her heart through the course of an hour and thirty minutes and in the end the guy gets the girl. In real life, the guy gets called a pervert stalker and gets slapped with a restraining order (a hyperbole). Yet a hopeless romantic with a sleeveless heart I am with a tragic flaw.

It seems that when it comes to relationships, a lot of my friends all have their downfalls. Kaye with her overdependence (something I also share), Nate with his fear of committment, and other friends I've known to be unable to settle with one person or are too jaded from a past relationship or whatever. Maybe I imagine myself as some tragic figure standing out in the rain in a trenchcoat alone because of my own selfishness and inability. Maybe I can't change who I am and overcome this flaw and will always be looking in on a good life I'm doomed never to find.

There was somthing Deena said before she signed off, about maybe then I'll just have to find someone who likes my overextended doting. Though maybe that's part of the problem. That I expect too much by expecting to meet some amazing girl who will balance me out and keep me in check. That I just haven't found a durable girl for my overflowing affection.

After thinking about it though, I think the truth lies, like with many things, somewhere in the middle. I probably do need a girl who appreciates and understands me and my zealous temperment but I need to pull back on the effort to find that girl and not be so much sometimes. It's like I'm aware of how great of a guy I am (as all the girls continue to tell me, whether they mean it or are just being polite) but because of that I try too hard to advertise myself and by doing so I come across as too desperate or overbearing. Now that I think about it, I suppose it all stems from an insecurity of forever being alone, in that if I don't try, maybe nobody will ever take the time to uncover the diamond in the rough that I am (and fitting with my earlier schema, I would then thus "fail" by not trying hard enough). I'm getting better I suppose and penning my thoughts is a good first step in organizing my cognitive disonance.

Well, I need to get some sleep, composing this has taken longer than expected. I'm overthinking this way too much anyway...It's just coffee.

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Shadow Boxing...

It's been a little while since I've last posted. It's now the summer (a month in actually) and the stressors of Chemistry and my other spring courses are now behind me. I was able to pull straight B's, which is both simultaneously an impressive surprise and disapointment to myself. Pleasant in that I was able to somehow manage such a grade in Chemistry. Depressing in that I had at least two courses in which I felt should have had A's in, my only conclusion is that my grade was borderline and I fell just short of suceeding like so often in my life and in that way I suppose it's really not all that astounded. Or perhaps I am letting my pessimistic temperment fufill its self prophecy.

I've never been fond of summer. It's not that I don't appreciate the academic respite, nor the warm and sunny days. Yet it is the massive onslaught of boredom and lethargy that has me shaking my fists in frustration. Allow me to elaborate.

The majority of my friends at Boulder have returned home for their breaks, my roommates included and so for the good lot of my first month of summer I spent alone in this apartment. My roommates have since come back and things have been a little more livelier than before but one of my greatest frustrations with my apartment kin is that we're all very closeted people. John's usually in his room playing Halo or doing whatever; Mike is the same, and Dave is usually locked up in his room as well playing World of Warcraft or something on his computer and if he leaves the apartment he's out with his friend Francis. The only time the living room is ever used or occupied is the rare ocassion when guests are over and meal times when the kitchen is used to whip up a quick snack to bring back to their room. They all have their own stashes of food in their rooms also, John and Mike both owning mini fridges and Dave w/ an assortment of chips and snacks, so to cut down on their necessity to withdraw from whatever they're preocuppied with. I admit I'm not much better but in my defense I attribute my hermitness as a reflex to the situation. Often I travel over to my neighbors apartment room for social needs since they're almost always hanging out or chilling in the living room; the absolute antithesis of our apartment of four closed doors.

So why not go back to home, back to the Springs? Simply put, there's not much left for me in the Springs anymore. Most of my closest friends are probably busy or moved on, my best friend isn't even in the country anymore as he's serving his duty overseas on an army post in Germany, and Mrs. Batchelder my mentor figure has moved onto another school so there's less reason to go visit Doherty and bother old teachers. (not to mention no one to do it w/) There is home and my parents though and I don't mean to make it sound like I don't appreciate or love them. I do, I love my parents, I do miss them from time to time and have a desire to spend more time with them, and miss playing with my adorable reluctantly crossdressing puppy dog Peanut, but spending too much time with them gets boring after a while. I mean, my father is at work for most of the day leaving me alone with my mother (and Peanut) and after a while she can really drive me crazy; moreover, they go to bed at 8, leaving me to fend for myself and find something to do in a city that pretty much shuts down after 10, usually resorting to sitting myself in front of the computer w/ nothing to do but browse the internet with my home's slow connection. At least in Boulder I have a decent internet speed and access to a gym so that I can be somewhat productive.

Not to mention, my best friend Kaye has been so incredibly busy that I rarely see her online anymore (which was my method of communication with her, what with her living in Washington and all) and she hasn't even had time to return my calls. I know she's busy and that she's probably doing alright, I just miss her and my usual conversations with her is all.

I don't have a job. I know I need one. I know I need money and can't expect my father to pay for loans and rent for me. I just really dislike dealing with money (or rather the lack of it), it's one of the most stressful things to me. In a Freudian explanation, I blame my mother for it. She was always so stringent and negative whenever money was discussed (such as how much things cost or how much I or my father makes) and while it's made me frugal, it's also made me associate stress with money and condition myself to shutdown, withdraw, and shirk away from dealing with it. I'm slowly trying to motivate myself to look around but I know I'm not putting my whole self into it. Contributing to my apathy is my self doubt. Many of the job postings I'm looking at or finding has me doubting myself and my abilities. Even the process of writing a resume has me considering my lack of job experience and feeling unqualified and disqualified from being hired anywhere.

Since I don't have a job nor am I taking summer courses, I don't have any appointments or necessary reasons to get up in the morning. As such I'm staying up late doing nothing but getting sick of myself playing videogames and waking up late usually around noon. I hate...I HATE...how screwed up my circadian rhythm is. I despise waking up late. It's the worse way to set the tone for the day because it feels like I've wasted half of it already. What's more is that I've adjusted to this wacked out sleeping habit that even my attempts at sleeping early and getting more rest are futile.

You'd think that I'd just appreciate the time off and the break and enjoy my laziness, but I don't think I would know how to relax if my life depended on it. I don't ever want to rest or stop for a single second when I consider all the things I've to do or could be doing. I know that I can't sit around playing videogames all day. Honestly, I get sick of doing nothing but playing videogames all day (unless it's a new and engrossing videogame), I get sick of not being productive. So knowing early off that I wasn't going to be completely unproductive, I've forced myself to visit the recreational center on campus almost daily. Hitting the weights and working on my cardio in order to catch up and make up for the missed year of martial arts to be honest, it's really starting to show off and I feel like my endurance is improving and my physique is more defined and muscular. Deena believes that I can call myself "lazy" while doing so much phsyical fitness but I still feel like I'm being remiss in my responsibilities. There's this zen that can be achieved through exercise or something physical. Where you're mind blanks out, the pain is slightly numbed and suddenly bearable, and your body's motions become almost automatic. You're not worried about money or relationships or sleep, only on the present moment and the action being performed and I guess I've been abusing this state of mind as an excuse and an escape from my troubles and acountability. As I was running my mile I was also running from my responsibilities.

All this has left me in a shaken and downtrodden state. I have unanswered emails from Mrs. Batchelder, not because I don't want to talk to her but because I'm ashamed to talk to her in my current state. It's got to the point where I'm absolutely lost in self doubt. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like the person I see. I ask myself if I'm the friend that I think I am or that I'm the son that I think I want to be but most of all I ask myself how can I even call myself a man with the way I've been. I'm in such a pitiful state that I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. While my peers are going to other countries, getting internships and jobs, meeting new people, seeing new places and experiences new things, I've locked myself in my room lamenting about the past and how pathetic I've become and sleeping my life away. The string of failures I've experienced since my senior year of highschool (my unacceptance to the military academies and my falling out with Deena) and my less than stellar college career so far (lackluster grades, unacceptance for the Dal Ward internship, my poor performance at Collegiate Nationals, my unacceptance for volunteering with the CU Crisis Helpline) have left me feeling inferior and disapointed. I don't know if it's the major depression I suffered from highschool reocurring or if maybe it never went away and that I've been trying to deal with it all along.

"Pull my fist from my mouth; I beat myself for a quarter century; Remind, remind, that it's bigger than me; Disolve, disolve, into evergreens." Take your Medicine by Cloud Cult

Right on cue like the inevitable superhero to save the day, I've finally gotten sick of being sick of myself and have taken the first steps to ameliorate my situation. My best friend Nate is coming home to visit and I won't allow myself to be in such a sorry state for his sake. Deena's making an effort to reconnect the bridge that's fallen between us and for her sake I need to pull myself together. For Mrs. Batchelder, who I promise I'll email back when school starts once more. For my parents and for my friends but most importantly for myself. I'm continuing w/ my daily exercise and workouts, I'm keeping myself busy with my studies to learn Korean, I'm trying to work on a resume and searching around for a job, I bought some sleep aid pills for my insomnia, I'm taking my first steps back to recovery. As I posted earlier in the year, I know this isn't going to be easy but I just have to suck it up and take my medicine. Today's a perfectly good day and there's no reason for me not to face it head on.

"You can take it in stride, Or you can take it right between the eyes; Suck up, suck up, And take your medicine; It's a good day, it's a good day, To face the hard things" - Take your Medicine by Cloud Cult

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