Restless Warrior

As I begin to type this, it is just now 4 o clock in the morning. I am sitting in a dimly lit computer lab in the basement of the Muenzinger Psychology building, having transfered here (surprising myself as the facility is usually closed down after hours) after the Norlin Library closed at 2. Prior to that I had spent two hours at the recreational center slash gym, the first dedicated to weight machines in weight room and the second devoted to shadow boxing a heavy bag. Most likely when I finish this post I'll head back to the apartment (a fifteen minute walk) only to throw on a hoodie and head out for my morning roadwork (a boxing term used to describe jogging) at half past 5. I suppose the fact that with the exception of sleeping in this morning and a few hours nap this afternoon that I took today (at the cost of attending my biopsychology lecture and the final twenty minutes of a decent game of Football being played between Chelsea and Liverpool on the television) my Sunday night/Monday morning was essentially the same late night escapade adds to the severity of my of recent insomnia. Though it could be argued that had I been at home I wouldn't have been nearly as productive and still likely just as sleepless for when I describe my insomnia as recent, I truly mean my chronic insomnia as of this semester it seems. Allow me to expatiate.

I've always struggled with my insomnia, most likely due to my numerous all nighters I would pull in highschool to finish homework and write papers and what not. I would come home exhausted and fall asleep instantly for a good three hours. (when I was able to, when I started working at the East Library however the actual physical activity of shelving books was enough to keep me awake though still tired) Ironically, for freshman year of college, insomnia wasn't all that big of an issue for me. Perhaps it was because I had a roommate and that I wanted to respect his own attempt to sleep by not staying up too late, (though I did pull ocassional all nighters for finals a few times but never the frequency that I would in highschool) or that my course work wasn't too difficult, (I still had 8 o clock morning classes and a few "challenging" classes but Freshman year is generally considered the easiest course wise) and possibly because of my excitement for the new college environment had lead me to be very active with Taekwondo and Muay Thai kicboxing and other extra curicular activities. Whatever the reason, I slept well and soundly. Corey (my rooommate) once proclaimed that if there were an Olympics for sleeping, I would easily win a gold medal. Considering all the stories I'd wake up to about loud drunk kids passing by the halls late at night, (that I was apparently not aware of and slept through) I am inclined to believe him. Or atleast I would back then. Lately though, this year has not yielded the same sort of sleep.

I suppose for all the reasons I listed for my heavy and deep sleep I no longer abided by this school year. I had my own room in a shared apartment so I had no obligations of waking anyone by staying up, my coursework this year has been especially difficult due to chemistry, (a course I've always struggled to comprehend and excel at) and social stress concurred throughout the year. (more on this later) Perhaps the biggest culprit however in my restlessness seems to be the decision that I made at the start of the semester to quit Taekwondo and Muay Thai and all other martial arts and supposedly focus more so on my academics. With the school year coming to a close, I realize now how much of a mistake that was.

It's not that I'm not tired when the clock strikes twelve and the lights go off, often my eyes are physically exhausted and heavy. I honestly and earnestly do try to listen for the sirens of sleep and to rest my eyelids but lately it seems that as I lay in my bed cuddling a giant body pillow (a sleeping habit since childhood) with three blankets messily wrapped around me, my mind defies to quiet itself. I will lay with my eyes closed and my body completely still and yet in my mind I am actively working on my Taekwondo footwork. I visualize myself advancing forward with one step, maybe one step and a change step, retreating backwards, sidestepping to the side, then I visualize myself throwing kicks, fast kicks, rear leg roundhouse counters, combination kicks, and spin hook kicks to the head. All the while as I shadowbox in my own mind my body starts to visualize along with it and once in a while I'll refuse to listen to my eyes and my own body's fatigue and thrust out a fist straight in the air as if I were punching a heavy bag. Then having upset what previous efforts I had made at falling asleep, I reshuffle myself or reposition myself onto my side or other my other side in whatever yoga like means of comfort I can achieve to restart the process of falling asleep...Only in some cases to repeat the procedure all over again a numerous amount of times before finally giving up and deciding to just stay up for the rest of the morning. And so is my plight that has plagued me for a plethora of previous nights.

It only makes me realize how much I miss it...How much I miss fighting...How intergral martial arts really is to my identity, to my being, to my very soul. And even though I've made tremendous efforts in recent month to start working out regularly at the rec center it seems the damage has already been done and that sound sleep will not be achievable till I have time to actively force myself to correct my circadian cycle once more. Well, it's almost time for me to head back and do my roadwork. Time for another long day but I suppose the battles never really over for fighters like myself.