Demons

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, demons that come in the shape and form of major depression, insecurity, frustration, my hypercriticalness, lack of self confidence, lack of self appreciation, lack of appreciation, selfishness, loneliness, self isolation, bitterness, sleep deprivation, dependency, and desperation.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, demons that torment me, crush me, throw me down, keep me down, and kick me while I'm down, burns me, beats me, cuts me and consumes me.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, that have ruined my smile, my health, my fight, my strength, my career, my academics, my confidence, my ambition, my courage, my relationships, my old friendships, my new friendships, my identity, and nearly my life.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul that I refuse to admit exist and try to ignore with medications, pills, sleep, humor, exercise, scotch, porn, tv, videogames, music, concerts, haircuts, isolation, absence, and false courageous words.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul that I have struggled to live with and can no longer allow to go on with free reign. I have come to arms to do battle on so many occasions only to fall back into step and relapse. I have watched it wreck my life, my relationships and spoil my happiness and I have tried to fight it but I seem to be only putting up a pretense of a defense in attempts to deny my own weakness and defeat. I can't let this continue, I need to find real courage and strength once more and live my life again and if that means I have to get help then I need to do that, if that means I have to make a list of everything I hate and want to see change and actually make those changes happen then that's what I need to do. If it means I have to take a pill everyday and see a professional every week or so then that's what I need to do. If it means I have to stop, step back, and reconsider who I am and what I'm doing here then that's what I need to do. If it means forgiving myself for mistakes and guilts and imperfections and coming to terms with my flaws but not letting them dominate me like they do now then that's what I have to do. If it means not waiting for someone to save me but saving myself though not by myself then that's what I need to do.

If I'm going to do battle with these demons and win then I have to believe in myself that I have such a courage to change; I can't rely on someone else for that courage, I have to be the change and I have to believe in myself before others are going to believe in me. The courage has to come from within me. It has to start from within me.