Thanks...

I'm thankful for my friends...My best friend who's about to ship out to Iraq in a month or so. My best friend who wants nothing to do with me anymore. My best friend who's in love with an obsessively dependent convict who lives halfway across the country. I'm thankful for my friends who keep me at bay, never return my phone calls and never invite me until last minute. I'm thankful for my friends who put up with my bitching and whining and the friends who tried but couldn't take anymore. I'm thankful for my friends who just want to be acquaintances or who never seem to have time for me, which I can't blame but continue to place me on the shelf to collect dust rather than throw me out because they are to polite for their own good. I'm thankful that girls I meet only want to be just friends or have nothing to do with me at all.

I'm thankful for my social ineptitude, my awkwardness, and my lack of self confidence. I'm thankful for my obnoxiousness and my I'm thankful that I don't even know who I am and for friends who's best piece of advice is to just "be yourself." I'm thankful for feeling small, ignored and overlooked, like I'm a part of the background. I'm thankful for my repressed anger, bitterness, self loathing pity.

I'm thankful for a home, which I can always return to due to proximity despite the fact that there's nothing to do and no one to hang around with. I'm thankful that my room's always here waiting for me and even seems to have a reservation for me at the end of the school year that I'm not too excited for. I'm thankful for a home to wear out my welcome with.

I'm thankful for my parents, who are always supportive and try their best despite missing their mark with birthday presents. I'm thankful for my dad who will do anything to facilitate me and help me out in any way possible despite the fact that I don't tell him anything that's going on with my life because I don't tell anyone what's going on with me because that's who I am and thus has no idea how to help me, what I'm into, and what I really want. I'm thankful for my mom despite the fact that her hypercritical nature has probably ruined me for a good portion of my life and always reminds me why I hate staying too long at home. She has the best intentions and for that I'm thankful for though.

I'm thankful for my health despite the fact that I've been suffering from an allergic skin reaction that has resulted in itchy welts forming and spreading on my legs, back and abdomin almost every day. I'm thankful for seemingly always feeling tired. I'm thankful that I feel myself getting sick again with a respiratory flu. I'm thankful for this depression that breaks me down mentally and keeps me from functioning on a daily basis.

I'm thankful for kickboxing and exercise, activities that I have a passion for and provide me with a sense of happiness and euphoria that I rarely feel but as of late haven't had time to do due to work, school, and sickness.

I'm thankful for work, that's physical, pays well, and full of wonderful and entertaining people to call coworkers or teammembers as target insists, despite the fact that the hours leave me exhausted the morning after.

I'm thankful for my education and school, that will keep me in chains of debt years after I've probably lost all recollection of any material I've learned, for professors who are god awfully boring in their presentation of the material and make learning an absolute chore. I'm thankful for a poor gpa and having to struggle through every physiology class I've taken, while sleeping through every other subject. I'm thankful for paying for classes that genuinely make me want to stay home and sleep in as a more productive alternative. I'm thankful for graduating just so I can continue working at a Target, with no prospects, no ambition, likely back in my parents home all over again.

I'm thankful that four years have gone by so quickly that I'm realizing what a terrible waste I've made of the time.

I'm thankful for being so jaded and tired and numb that all I can seemingly see anymore is the bad, the negative, and I'm letting it all out because I'm thankful that I just don't care anymore.

November 25th

So yeah, it's my birthday. I want to thank everybody who wished me a happy birthday and a great day and everything. I appreciate it, I do really.

Though to be honest, I'm just not really in the celebratory mood. Having a birthday that falls around Thanksgiving means that there's never any of my friends to celebrate with. Can't celebrate before thanksgiving break because everybody's busy with projects and midterms, can't celebrate during because everybody's gone home for the holiday, can't celebrate after because finals are coming up that or most people just don't realize I even had a birthday over the break. My parents try to encourage me to enjoy it and celebrate it with friends and try to throw a party but to me, birthdays are always kind of lonely.

Today was really not all that different. My parents came up to visit and we had lunch, that was nice. The only other celebratory thing I did was drink by myself the night before, not that I didn't try to get a hold of some people...but in the end I only had Johnny Walker to keep me company and he's a poor audience.

And now, I'm heading off to work. Yeah, I'm going to work on my birthday. Not that it really matters, the truth is, I kind of expected this. Today is just like any other day...

To me, today's just another Tuesday...just with more cake.