Demons

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, demons that come in the shape and form of major depression, insecurity, frustration, my hypercriticalness, lack of self confidence, lack of self appreciation, lack of appreciation, selfishness, loneliness, self isolation, bitterness, sleep deprivation, dependency, and desperation.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, demons that torment me, crush me, throw me down, keep me down, and kick me while I'm down, burns me, beats me, cuts me and consumes me.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, that have ruined my smile, my health, my fight, my strength, my career, my academics, my confidence, my ambition, my courage, my relationships, my old friendships, my new friendships, my identity, and nearly my life.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul that I refuse to admit exist and try to ignore with medications, pills, sleep, humor, exercise, scotch, porn, tv, videogames, music, concerts, haircuts, isolation, absence, and false courageous words.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul that I have struggled to live with and can no longer allow to go on with free reign. I have come to arms to do battle on so many occasions only to fall back into step and relapse. I have watched it wreck my life, my relationships and spoil my happiness and I have tried to fight it but I seem to be only putting up a pretense of a defense in attempts to deny my own weakness and defeat. I can't let this continue, I need to find real courage and strength once more and live my life again and if that means I have to get help then I need to do that, if that means I have to make a list of everything I hate and want to see change and actually make those changes happen then that's what I need to do. If it means I have to take a pill everyday and see a professional every week or so then that's what I need to do. If it means I have to stop, step back, and reconsider who I am and what I'm doing here then that's what I need to do. If it means forgiving myself for mistakes and guilts and imperfections and coming to terms with my flaws but not letting them dominate me like they do now then that's what I have to do. If it means not waiting for someone to save me but saving myself though not by myself then that's what I need to do.

If I'm going to do battle with these demons and win then I have to believe in myself that I have such a courage to change; I can't rely on someone else for that courage, I have to be the change and I have to believe in myself before others are going to believe in me. The courage has to come from within me. It has to start from within me.

Thanks...

I'm thankful for my friends...My best friend who's about to ship out to Iraq in a month or so. My best friend who wants nothing to do with me anymore. My best friend who's in love with an obsessively dependent convict who lives halfway across the country. I'm thankful for my friends who keep me at bay, never return my phone calls and never invite me until last minute. I'm thankful for my friends who put up with my bitching and whining and the friends who tried but couldn't take anymore. I'm thankful for my friends who just want to be acquaintances or who never seem to have time for me, which I can't blame but continue to place me on the shelf to collect dust rather than throw me out because they are to polite for their own good. I'm thankful that girls I meet only want to be just friends or have nothing to do with me at all.

I'm thankful for my social ineptitude, my awkwardness, and my lack of self confidence. I'm thankful for my obnoxiousness and my I'm thankful that I don't even know who I am and for friends who's best piece of advice is to just "be yourself." I'm thankful for feeling small, ignored and overlooked, like I'm a part of the background. I'm thankful for my repressed anger, bitterness, self loathing pity.

I'm thankful for a home, which I can always return to due to proximity despite the fact that there's nothing to do and no one to hang around with. I'm thankful that my room's always here waiting for me and even seems to have a reservation for me at the end of the school year that I'm not too excited for. I'm thankful for a home to wear out my welcome with.

I'm thankful for my parents, who are always supportive and try their best despite missing their mark with birthday presents. I'm thankful for my dad who will do anything to facilitate me and help me out in any way possible despite the fact that I don't tell him anything that's going on with my life because I don't tell anyone what's going on with me because that's who I am and thus has no idea how to help me, what I'm into, and what I really want. I'm thankful for my mom despite the fact that her hypercritical nature has probably ruined me for a good portion of my life and always reminds me why I hate staying too long at home. She has the best intentions and for that I'm thankful for though.

I'm thankful for my health despite the fact that I've been suffering from an allergic skin reaction that has resulted in itchy welts forming and spreading on my legs, back and abdomin almost every day. I'm thankful for seemingly always feeling tired. I'm thankful that I feel myself getting sick again with a respiratory flu. I'm thankful for this depression that breaks me down mentally and keeps me from functioning on a daily basis.

I'm thankful for kickboxing and exercise, activities that I have a passion for and provide me with a sense of happiness and euphoria that I rarely feel but as of late haven't had time to do due to work, school, and sickness.

I'm thankful for work, that's physical, pays well, and full of wonderful and entertaining people to call coworkers or teammembers as target insists, despite the fact that the hours leave me exhausted the morning after.

I'm thankful for my education and school, that will keep me in chains of debt years after I've probably lost all recollection of any material I've learned, for professors who are god awfully boring in their presentation of the material and make learning an absolute chore. I'm thankful for a poor gpa and having to struggle through every physiology class I've taken, while sleeping through every other subject. I'm thankful for paying for classes that genuinely make me want to stay home and sleep in as a more productive alternative. I'm thankful for graduating just so I can continue working at a Target, with no prospects, no ambition, likely back in my parents home all over again.

I'm thankful that four years have gone by so quickly that I'm realizing what a terrible waste I've made of the time.

I'm thankful for being so jaded and tired and numb that all I can seemingly see anymore is the bad, the negative, and I'm letting it all out because I'm thankful that I just don't care anymore.

November 25th

So yeah, it's my birthday. I want to thank everybody who wished me a happy birthday and a great day and everything. I appreciate it, I do really.

Though to be honest, I'm just not really in the celebratory mood. Having a birthday that falls around Thanksgiving means that there's never any of my friends to celebrate with. Can't celebrate before thanksgiving break because everybody's busy with projects and midterms, can't celebrate during because everybody's gone home for the holiday, can't celebrate after because finals are coming up that or most people just don't realize I even had a birthday over the break. My parents try to encourage me to enjoy it and celebrate it with friends and try to throw a party but to me, birthdays are always kind of lonely.

Today was really not all that different. My parents came up to visit and we had lunch, that was nice. The only other celebratory thing I did was drink by myself the night before, not that I didn't try to get a hold of some people...but in the end I only had Johnny Walker to keep me company and he's a poor audience.

And now, I'm heading off to work. Yeah, I'm going to work on my birthday. Not that it really matters, the truth is, I kind of expected this. Today is just like any other day...

To me, today's just another Tuesday...just with more cake.

Regular hours

I'm starting to miss them. The problem with irregular hours is that you really have to shift your schedule around and stick to it. I'm not doing that. I'm going to school in the morning to the afternoon, kickboxing in the afternoon, work at night, I'm taking naps and getting sleep in whenever I can a few hours at a time and then I'm left awake in the middle of the night...like now.

Just finished watching the Bernard Hopkins and Kelly Pavlik fight. I like both fighters but it was a surprising fight. There will probably be excuses, Pavlik's elbow wasn't all that great, Pavlik over trained, Pavlik wasn't used to moving up a weight class to figh Bhop, regardless of all that Pavlik didn't look like himself that night, didn't throw his championship winning jabs and just didn't look like he was there to fight. Bernard Hopkins however was masterful in the ring and looked like he was fighting in his prime. The Executioner was fighting backwards the entire time but he would slip or step back then step forward with the counters. Cross hook, jab cross uppercut. His footwork was a lesson in boxing that I was definitely taking notes on. Slip on the fringe of the punch, if caught on the inside duck and move away. Push off with the back foot moving forward to answer with three quick shots then move out. It's everything I've been trying to learn and perfect in kickboxing and it was demonstrated to perfection in that fight.

Probably should get some studying in, something productive while I'm up, I have an exam coming up next week and I've been remiss in attending class due to my recent comatose state over the past week.

Existentialism in front of a computer monitor

We've been dabbling with psychoanalytic therapies in my critical thinking psychology class. We're going over existentialism, it's technically the first time I've actually dealt with the subject material formally. To my surprise I find a lot of existentialism makes sense to me and it really seems to click for me. I'm highly intrigued and I'm interested in reading some more on the subject material. I think it's philosophical proximity to Buddhism is certainly a factor for my interest and understanding.

Anyway we have to write journal entries for the class reflecting on our lives in association with material we discuss in class. I usually write mine up an hour before class, assuming I feel like writing and don't have a bout of writer's block. Anyway I enjoyed the subject enough that I figured I'd post up my musings on the subject. Enjoy.


Will Chandler
Psych Crit Thinking Self Help, Therapy
Journal Oct 20/08

Existentialism makes sense to me and I find myself intrigued and drawn to the theory. It seems like the concept is depressing at first glance, when you hear phrases like “god is dead,” “humans are essentially alone in the world,” and that “death is inevitable” you don’t exactly think of rainbows and lollypops and unicorns. There is a cognitive understanding of how existentialism works. You realize these noble truths and from such epiphanies come anxiety, coping and coming to term with such anxiety is then a freeing end game where you become responsible for your own actions and the freedom experience by living in the moment. Yet it feels like to truly experience and understand it and to live purposely seems like an entirely different and difficult beast. It’s one thing to intellectualize the concept but to internalize it.
Are there extremes to existentialism? If existentialism draws the conclusion that death is inevitable would there not be different interpretations of what to make about such a conclusion. Nietche is often attributed for starting the nihilistic movement, if death is inevitable would it be reasonable then to conclude that everything is meaningless and become overwhelmingly apathetic or depressed from such a conclusion? Or what about the other extreme, could you become incredibly hedonistic, to the point where responsibilities and burden are insignificant and trivial. Is there a correct way to existentialism and a wrong way? Certainly one would assume so and that extremes are rarely ever good in any situation. If everything is meaningless it is thus our responsibility to find meaning. Yet, how is that possible if everything’s meaningless? I feel like I could talk in circles for days about existentialism and not do anything productive other than muse or brood depending on the extreme. Though I suppose that would defeat the purpose of existentialism altogether wouldn’t it?.
I’ve always been taught that anything is possible if you put in the work and effort. It absolutely bugs me to believe that things aren’t in my control and that I can’t determine the outcome, to me I can always do better, work harder, try harder, there is no perfect outcome I’m comfortable with. So when I fail or falter I’m pretty shattered by the outcome. I isolate and I’ve always considered such isolations a replacement for suicide or death since I usually spend my isolation entombed in my coffin of a bed “sleeping away my life.” That’s what my mother would say, or yell rather to be more precise. I apologize way too much. I feel responsible for everything and in a way, one that I’ve never thought of before, that’s quite narcissistic and egotistical of me. I cling onto people, I’m a very dependent personality type, I’m always following people around, following friends around, I’m the straight guy to the comedian. I don’t mind it, I like it, I know why I like it, it makes me feel like I’m meaningful to these people and that gives me meaning. Yet an existentialist would say that’s incorrect. That such meaning is false. A Buddhist would argue that such attachment will only lead to suffering. I need to be able to find meaning and purpose in myself, I shouldn’t prop myself with other people as crutches for my ego. Of course, this brings me back to my earlier statement, easier said than done. Thus my depression and anxiety comes from my fear that I can’t find meaning in myself and that I can’t cope being alone.
One thing that bothers me about existentialism is the idea that there are no psychological disorders. Existentialism makes sense to me but I don’t believe in the idea that you can just be happy by just being happy. (Yes I just realized that I’ve gone over the 2 page limit but I don’t care, I feel I need to write about this) Certainly I think there’s a great deal that mentality, especially a positive mentality can go a long way. I’ve heard of therapy techniques from India or somewhere where people wake up and they sit in a big group and instead of doing yoga they just laugh. Laugh for the heck of it and it apparently reduces stress and such. I think though that there is a ceiling to how much a don’t worry be happy mentality can achieve, I feel like biological factors are not considered at all by existentialism. The reason I started using antidepressants was because I was perfectly healthy physically, I was doing well socially, academically and what not and yet I was still unhappy when I had no logical reason to be. Perhaps the existentialist would argue that there was an another underlying problem that was causing my unhappiness and anxiety. So pop some pills and for whatever reason I feel like I can cope and I feel better. I stop taking pills and I experience light headedness and relapse of my old symptoms of depression ( sleep induced isolation). I think biological factors are real. Or maybe not and maybe the concept of believing I have a chemical imbalance and swallowing a pill in itself was some psychological placebo effect that truly affected my outcome. Maybe the intuitive nature I possess can’t let go of the scientific boundaries and borders and structures and are in conflict with my existentialistic rebirth.

Laugh my way through hurricanes and fires

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my busiest days, in that I have three classes (the most I have on one day) and then usually work later that night. Three classes aren't that bad, it's my senior year so my credit load is actually quite light considering my usual 16 or 18 credit semester. It's only that my day starts at 8 in the morning and then I work nights so it's a long day. The morning wouldn't be so bad if my 8 o clock class (US Race and Ethnics) wasn't such a bore. The subject material sounded like something I'd be interested in but the professor delivery of the lectures is nothing short of jejune.

Oh well, after classes today I'll be heading to Fort Collins to go see Cloud Cult live at the Aggie Theater and probably hang out/drink w/ Kristina, Tai, and the gang. Even Spencer's coming up to Foco to see the concert with me. It's gonna be awesome. Shame Nate's in Germany, he'd of loved to seen them live. I'll be sure to get him a shirt though.

My friend Alex walked into Exercise Phys with the sickest t shirt today. It was this white t shirt with a chinese lion illustrated on the side, which is just the sort of art style I want a tattoo of. So now I'm trying to find some T&C Surf t shirts with the same or similar design.

I was rear ended two weeks ago. Yeah, it sucked as much as it sounds. It happened on 28th and Arapahoe, in the left turn lane. I rolled up to the line when the light turned yellow and stopped, only to be jolted a moment later by the suv behind me rolling into me. The impact whiplashed me slightly and I had a headache in the back of my head for the rest of the day, which only resurfaced yesterday at kickboxing so I may need to get it checked out. Other than that, no one was hurt, the guy was a real gentleman and exchanged information with me and filed a claim with his insurance and I'm in the process of getting repairs squared away. Oh well.

I finally got fed up with my air mattress, so I bought a new one. It was a nice one too, queen sized, double high. I slept on it for about a week before my mom decided (for me) that an air mattress wasn't good enough and that she wanted to buy me a bed for my apartment. So now I have this full size bed dead center in my bedroom, taking up most of the room's capacity. I wasn't too keen on the lack of space it left me at first but it is a comfortable bed with lots of drawers and space under neath it and what not. Thanks mom!

How does a blind person know when to cross the street?

I've had the strangest desire to go karaoking lately, dancing too. Hmmm, well at least Rockband 2 comes out this weekend, so I can get my karaoke on hopefully soon.

Okay, last class of the day, anatomy lab, which is probably the class I enjoy the most. So gotta wrap this up and get going. Who's got two thumbs and is going to see Cloud Cult tonight?

This guy!

The early bird needs a nap

As usual, my circadian rhythm is all out of whack. I yawn as I type this and yet none of my attempts at napping so far have yielded successful sleep. My sleep schedule as of now is pretty much I sleep when I'm physically tired enough that I fall asleep, not the healthiest of routines. I'd like to think my night work schedule isn't at fault but I'm suspect that it's a likely culpurit. Granted, I did work 40 hours last week, seeing how it was back to school week and Target's peak in terms of sales. Oh the joy of living in a college town.

It surely doesn't help that I'm in dire need of a new air mattress as the one I currently sleep on has lost all ability to retain air in it and has accrued the nasty habit of deflating overnight. Literally overnight the act of sleeping turns to sinking.

So, some random thoughts while I wait to drop dead from exhaustion.

Strawberry Soda for some reason just isn't that tasty. Everyone knows I have a love affair with any and all edible foods that are strawberry flavored or what not. Yet for some reason, the deliciousness of strawberries do not transfer when placed in liquid form. It is puzzling and yet for whatever reason I've had less than stellar impressions of strawberry teas and strawberry soda. Yet this is not the case with other fruits such as oranges and grape. Oh no, those flavors are a whole different ball game. Then again, when combined with bananas or kiwi, liquid strawberry flavoring seems to work. Truly one of life's great mysteries...

For someone who's as dexterous and agile as I am, I sure have difficulty drinking and walking at the same time.

It's crazy how many of my friends I've ran into during the first two days of school. It's a nice feeling that reminds me that I'm not so lonely as I make myself out to be at times.

I don't know why but Kaye isn't answering her phone, I'm worried if she's alright. That and I just want to talk to her in general. She owes me a vacation after all.

I am addicted to Facebook. It's somewhat sad really how much time I've spent on it recently. I'm not sure what's more depressing about it, the time I spend waiting for some action from my friends or the time I spend playing all the silly facebook games that I've become addicted to in recent weeks. But man, building up my own wrestler and superhero is like crack for me for some reason.

Cloud Cult is coming to Colorado. A band that Nate got me hooked on. Quite awesome, kind of Postal Service-y in terms of sound I guess? They're playing a show in Fort Collins in like two weeks, which is a lot sooner than I was thinking it'd be. I intend to go of course, shame Nate's in Germany, he'd of loved to have seen them live. I know Spencer's trying to go but I'm not sure how he'll be able to pull that off since it's on a Thursday night and he likely has school the following Friday. I wonder who else would like to go, not too many of my friends know of them but considering tickets are only like 8 dollars it'd be a cool gig to see none the less. Maybe I could get that cute neighbor of Kristina's to come w/ me. Hmmm....

My eyes hurt...I wish sleep was optional.

Finally bit the bullet and got internet and cable hooked up in my apartment. The good news means that I don't have to rely on hijacking the weak wireless signals of my neighbors any more. The bad news is that I pay for it now and that my computer's harddrive space has been completely depleted with porn, videogames, movies, and music...but mostly porn.

Downloaded some Batman comics, spurred on by the Dark Knight. Just finished Batman Nine Lives, an elseworlds comic (which is DC's fancy way of saying reimagination or alternate universe or noncanon) that transports Batman and his rogues gallery and reinterprets them in a noir genre to amazing effect actually. Good read.

Lastest VGCats comic is hilarious (even if it's technically a guest comic). "I showed her my metal gear. It is solid." Classic.

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is just about the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Vending machines refuse to give you back your two dollars, especially when they're sold out of the strawberry kiwi minute maid you originally wanted and have to settle for lipton's diet green tea, which in itself wasn't too bad.

I'm tired.

Xenophobic Ignorance

Woke up this morning, had to pick up my dad from a 7/11. The car had broken down while he was out getting his Sunday paper. Freak technical malfunction with the car's alarm system. As I'm sitting in my car watching the car get towed, an old gentleman who walked out of the store approached my dad and thought exchanged a few words with my dad, seemed like he was making a joke or something. When we got back, Dad mentioned the dialogue in an irritated tone. Apparently, this guy had made some smart ass remark along the lines of "That's what you get for buying a foreign car" in reference to my family Toyota Camry being towed away.

I don't know what this guy's history is or where the source or generation his discriminatory attitude came from, and I assume he meant no intended insult and was just trying (failing) to be humorous. None the less, I felt really incensed when I heard this. I almost blurted out what I was thinking right in front of my parents (which was along the lines of "what racist bullsh...") and I was downright offended. It's odd, I take pride in my heritage but usually I don't get angered by stuff like that (I'm not quick to anger at all), I'm not overly sensitive about political correctness, yet I feel like if I had been outside and standing alongside my dad at the time and had overheard this, I might have chewed this geezer out. Honestly, I can't see any situation where making such an ignorant statement to a stranger is in good taste.

(I know I haven't had a proper post for the last couple of months, I'll try and ameliorate that soon enough, and this is certainly not a positive way to start of a new year of posting, I just felt really compelled to write about this.)