Yonggi: Courage

Don't be Salty, Get Hype! Justifying Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3

2011-07-20T20:09:00.000-06:00

News fresh from Comic Con 2011, a good week before EVO 2011, arguably the biggest fighting game tournament in the world, and Marvel Vs Capcom 3's first appearance on the grand stage of competitive gaming, comes the announcement of Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3.

So for the reduced price of $39.99, you'll receive 12 new characters (not including Jill and Shuma Gorath, the previously DLC exclusive characters, which will be available to play in Ultimate as well), some new stages to play on, improved net code and a spectator mode, and a re balancing of the entire cast.

Initial response to the news is dependent on who you poll. A friend of mine who doesn't play fighters remarked with cynicism. Myself, a fighting game fan, returned with excitement. Reading comments on G4 or Kotaku are vastly different from the comments on Shoryuken. Casual fighting game fans seem to believe Capcom is milking the fans and are somewhat salty about the news. More invested fighting game fans are jumping on the hype train!

Here's why you should be excited about the announcement of the news or at the very least dry your salty tears and stop pouting.

$ Value: 12 new characters for the price of $40 dollars comes out to about $3.33 per character. If you didn't pick up Jill and Shuma (or the collector's edition), that's another 2 characters, bringing the value of the new additions to $2.85 per character. Consider that most DLC characters for fighting games so far (Blazblue CS, Mortal Kombat and MvC3) have been priced at about $5.00 per character. So already that's a $30 to $20 savings.

Why not DLC?: In the age of DLC, everybody seems to be demanding the ability to receive new updates, patches, and characters via digitally over the internet and since it's possible, why not? So why aren't these characters being released as DLC instead of an all new reiteration of the game? Well, as already mentioned, would you actually be happier if Capcom charged you $5.00 a character and released characters one at a time over an extended duration (like Mortal Kombat)? So there's the value aspect to consider when taking the disc approach. The advantage of a disc based upgrade also means a much smaller uptake of memory on your PS3/360 hard drive (something I don't have the luxury of thanks to my massive Rockband collection). I think the biggest reason we're getting this game on disc as opposed to DLC though, and this is speculation at this point--there may be a DLC port announced in the future, is because this is the first time we've seen such a large addition to the game in terms of new characters. MK added 5 characters to it's cast, the most so far for DLC additional characters in a game, but Marvel is getting 12! That brings the roster to a full 50 characters to choose from. Moreover, Marvel is such a team based game, it's more accurate to think of your character as a team rather than three characters combined, since a lot of characters play in a manner that fulfills a specific function or role in that team. To have gamers pick and choose which DLC they want to purchase creates an incomplete experience, if gamers are only dowloading certain characters and not the full roster, they do not have the full toolset to experiment with different team setups and experimentation with team setups is what makes a new game (especially Marvel) so exciting.

It's not just New Characters: New stages are a moot point since they're just backgrounds and don't actually add any gameplay value to the game. Spectator mode is a great addition because Marvel is just such a fun and fast paced game that it's actually exciting to watch. What's really exciting is the possibility of the new gameplay rebalancing. Coming into EVO, there have been cries for patching Phoenix and Wolverine, citing them as overpowered and in dire need of being nerfed (I disagree personally but if that team demolishes at EVO, then rebalancing them may be what the game needs). A rebalancing of the game means renewed interest and re-evaluation of the entire roster, it cracks the game wide open all over again and opens up the game to new discoveries.

The New Characters are Awesome: STRIDER!! Phoenix Wright!! Hawkeye!! Doc Strange!! Iron Fist!! Virgil!! Did I mention STRIDER? Haha, somewhere Clockwork is crying tears of joy.

But I Already Bought Marvel vs Capcom 3: But now there's new characters and the cast has been retooled, that means this is a whole new game. If you don't play fighting games very much, it's hard to appreciate the nuances and subtleties, just like how I don't understand the differences between yearly iterations of Madden (though if you asked a competitive Madden player, I'm sure they could rattle off a list of alterations). If you take Super Street Fighter IV Arcade Edition and compare it to Vanilla (Street Fighter IV), the changes are actually rather astounding both superficially (new characters) and deep (gameplay changes). If you play fighting games and invest in them, UMvC3 is a no brainer. If you're a casual fan, then maybe there's no reason to purchase Ultimate and that's fine too.

Capcom is ripping us off! I knew they'd come out with a new edition later on: Now we get to the main reason why people seem so salty. They interpret the news of a new iteration as a reflection of the status of the original game. As if to suggest that MvC3 was an incomplete game and Capcom had planned to milk the series and the gamers' money all along. I expected an update somewhere down the line but I admit even I am surprised at how soon the new version will be released. Competitively, MvC3 will have only lasted 9 months before becoming obsolete. Ask yourself this though, if you purchased MvC3, were you unsatisfied with the game? The game is crazy fun and for 9 months we've had the opportunity to play it. What's the last game you can remember with a shelf life of 9 months or longer? Granted, fighting games replay value depends on the ability to play the game against friends and other human competitors, it has always been a multiplayer genre. If you haven't been playing the game these past months then you're probably not going to pick up Ultimate in the first place, so why cry about it?

Isn't it a little soon for an update?: It took Capcom ten years to revisit the MvC games. Would you rather they take another ten before updating? If anything, we should be excited that Capcom is investing in their fighting games again and the fighting game community. The reality is, fighting games have always had updates and revisions. Everybody jokes about Street Fighter II and the numerous upgrades that game received but every fighting game experiences tweaks and rebalances, it's just that most of the times those revisions occur in the arcades and are unnoticed by casual gamers. Before Street Fighter III Third Strike, there was a Second Impact and a Vanilla. Virtua Fighter 5, a game released in arcades in 2006, just received it's 4th build revision (Final Showdown) last year, 4 years after the game's initial release.

So grab yourself a tissue and wipe your tears, if you're still upset or have no interest in Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3, then clearly the game wasn't meant for you. If however, you're excited about the news and can't wait for more information on the game and the see more footage of the new characters in action, locate your curly mustache, arm yourself with your bionic arm, and hop aboard the hype train because Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 is going to take you for a ride and I couldn't be happier.

As a final note, remember to tune into Shoryuken.com or Iplaywinner or evo2k next weekend (July 29-31) for live streams of EVO World Finals in Rio Las Vegas. If you have any interest in fighting games played at the competitive level, you'll want to check Evo out.

Silverball

2011-04-30T01:46:00.000-06:00

There's not a whole lot of exciting things to do growing up on a military base. Most Army bases are pretty standard, they all seem to have a Popeyes, a Burgerking, a PX and a Commissary, and a trusty bowling alley. My parents would join a bowling league and I would often spend Wednesday nights with them at the bowling alley. I didn't have the patience for bowling at a younger age, instead I was always far more interested in the video game arcades in every bowling alley. The nineties was one of the last great eras of arcades, thanks to the competitive and addicting nature of video games like Street Fighter II and Mortal Kombat and while the fighting genre and beat em ups were the main attraction and pinballs' popularity was on the decline, no arcade was complete without a few pinball tables of their own. As such, pinball made up a good portion of my childhood and I have fond memories of playing the silver ball.

There's something aesthetically beautiful about pinball machines. Most arcade cabinets are essentially a monitor and buttons and joysticks. Pinball machines have flashing lights, moving parts, different leveled ramps, dot matrix videos, plungers, buttons, artwork, and sounds. The playing board of a pinball table is something to marvel at, something that can be studied, it's art appreciated, it's looping ramps and flashing targets and hidden passages to be traced and explored. Even when you remove the paneling and uncover the machine's guts, it's an intricate array of wires and switches. I told myself when I was little, that one day when I'm wealthy enough, I want to own my own pinball machine.

Unfortunately, pinball and arcades have become a dying breed and are now sparse and few. You're lucky to find a pinball machine or two in a movie theater or bowling alley but the likelihood of finding some of the classic pinball machines of the late eighties and nineties is much more difficult, or if you do, they're in dire need of a tuneup and repair. I continued to play pinball on the PC and on my Playstation but the emulated pinball just isn't the same

I first heard of the Rocky Mountain Pinball Showdown a few years back when I was attending CU at Boulder. I saw a postcard sized flyer for the weekend long Pinball convention. Unfortunately I had already missed the convention by the time I saw the flyer. This would repeat for the next 4 years. Haha. It seemed like every time I remembered the convention, it would be a month or two too late. I was determined to go one year and this year I made special note of it at the start of the year.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I first entered the Embassy Suite, where the convention was held today. I paid my admission fee and filled out some contact information, received a wrist band and walked into their main lobby. There were a few pinball machines around and a stage and I was a little confused at first. Weren't there supposed to be more machines I thought? I played a few quick rounds of the machines I saw in the lobby and then decided to do some investigating. I passed by the bar and turned the corner and instantly recognized the sounds of flippers, bells, sound effects, and bumpers, all the familiar sounds of pinball. I entered their conference room and discovered the convention's main stash of pinball machines, there must have been 25 or so machines in the room, a row of tables against the wall as you entered and two rows of tables back to back in the center of the room as well. There were really old classic machines, to the newest fanciest Sterns pinball tables. I took a walk around the room to check out all the tables, as well as a second conference room where there were even more pinball machines and pinball tournaments taking place. It was as if I had died and gone to pinball heaven.

It's interesting the crowd of players that came to the convention that night. Most of them were older, probably people who grew up when pinball was in it's prime. Some looked like they had clearly spent way too much time playing pinball. I don't mind people who take their pinball seriously, I admire anyone who's determined in their hobby or sport. I did have a problem with some of the more aggressive players, who vented their frustrations by shaking and tilting the table roughly. I understand tilting is an aspect of the game but these machines are on loan by private collectors for the sake of everyone enjoying pinball, why risk breaking someone's machine? There were some little kids there as well and they were adorable. They would get so excited when they played! It reminded me why I played Pinball in the first place, the joy and fun of the game.

There were quite a few tables I remembered fondly from my childhood. The Adams Family machine is one of the most popular pinball machines of all time and I had played my share of games on it. I forgot however how crushingly unforgiving the game is compared to more modern pinball machines so it took me a few games to get a decent score up. Another favorite was the Twilight Zone table and I ended up scoring a major jackpot and racking up a good score on it as well. One of my absolute favorite tables however is the 94 World Cup pinball table. I remember distinctly playing the machine in the bowling alleys while my father was stationed in Korea. What's really cool about the table is the center target is a soccer goal with a goalie moving back and forth and flipping the ball past the goalie scored major points and unlocked missions and targets. It's also a very high scoring game and very popular because of the numerous targets on the playing board. When I finally was able to play the machine, nostalgia overtook me. Pressing that start button, watching that dot matrix video pop up, taking my position in front of the machine with my left hand along the button and the right grasping that plunger, pulling it back and letting it go and sending that ball into play brought a genuine and irresistible smile to my face.

I ended up playing pinball for nearly five hours straight. So long that my neck began to fatigue and sore from looking down on the playing table. By the time I walked out of the hotel, it had started snowing in Denver. The visibility was actually pretty bad all the way to Castle Rock but I didn't care. Being able to replay the pinball machines of my childhood, to place my hands along the side of the table, fingering the buttons along the side, resting my weight slightly forward on the table itself, and to take in the flashing lights, the buzzing, and silver ball bouncing back and forth and the slight rumble of the table with each score of a target brought back a lot of nostalgia for me. It was the first time in a while that I've been so happy, forgetting about everything else and just enjoying the simple joy of the game of pinball.

Fight Study: Boxing class

2011-03-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

Boxing class got cut short for me tonight as I was dropped by the worst muscle cramp I've ever experienced. My calf just clinched up and I sat down and grabbed my toes and pulled them back to try and stretch out my gastrocnemius. I had worked out at the gym about an hour before boxing class and while I did drink some water at dinner about 30 minutes before, apparently it wasn't enough. I do sweat a lot and I do lose a lot of fluids quickly. I also have really tight calf muscles and a history of tendinitis in my right achiles. I really should know better.

Before I cramped up, I worked on some more fundamentals and details in my boxing.

Relax - Still need to relax, trying to hard to move around and still too tense. Remember to breathe.

Reach with the Hook - I like to think my hook is pretty good because I keep it tight and compact. I just need to reach out a little more because my opponent isn't always going to be in close.

Small steps - I try too hard to step around and cut corners when I move after a combination. I think I'm overemphasizing the footwork because I know how important it is. But going along with the idea of being relaxed, I don't need to make large arduous steps, just make small steps.

Stick Art Part 2

2011-03-08T05:15:00.002-07:00

*Note: I know my blog isn't quite big enough to handle the size of the templates so it cuts off a little of the image's right side. But you can see the full image by clicking on the image.

*Note: Also, ignore the red "Text Ecthing Sample Area" on the templates. That's just part of the template and won't actually show up on the art. I probably should have deleted those from these test examples but oh well.

So I went ahead and made a few arcade stick templates, just some rough drafts. Most of these were wallpaper arts before I touched them so they were simple stretch to fit the arcade stick template jobs. I blacked out the buttons on the template to get a better idea of how the buttons will affect the art (since I don't have clear semitsu buttons). The Sengoku Basara and the Fooly Cooly templates were really the only ones where I had to do any extensive Photoshopping but I'm surprised and actually somewhat proud of how they came out. Anyway, tell me what you think.

Final Fantasy Tactics - This one came out really well and this might be a shoe in. The characters fill up the left side nicely and the empty space to the right in the art is okay because the buttons take up most of the space anyway.

Fooly Cooly - This one was really popular from the few friends I asked, almost everyone liked the clean look of Naota with guitar. I knew the art wasn't big enough to stretch so I had to figure out a way to put it in the space to the left and figure out what I was going to put in the background. I found another FLCL wallpaper online, grayscaled it, and threw it in the back with some transparency so that it didn't steal the emphasis of the Naota image. I think it fits nicely. The only problem with this template is the lack of color but that's sort of the point?

Gundam Seed - The Strike Gundam is pretty cool looking and I love the shading style of this artwork. The only thing that worries me about this one is the quality of the image to begin with isn't high enough and so upon closer inspection the art looks grainy. As such I'm not sure how well it'd turn out if printed.

Hajime Ippo - For the most part I like how much space Ippo fills up on this template. His head is slightly obscured but I think it adds a little drama and emphasizes his eyes and stare. The dark brown in the background is a little boring as far as colors go, maybe if I feel like it I'll change the color.

Kingdom Hearts 2 - This one didn't turn out as great as I had hoped. I wanted to make it a minimal design, it's meant to be a white template design to emphasize the art but somehow it feels like it's missing something. Also I'm not happy with the blending of the orange sky to white. Maybe if I added a bit of transparency on the border?

Magna Carta - Despite the body of the artwork being covered up by the buttons, the image is large enough that it works imo. You can still clearly see the artwork. I think having their faces unobstructed is the key to it. The left space is a little awkward though because it's basically just her legs...not that I mind.

Sengoku Basara Face Off - This one turned out bette than I thought. I think the purple really adds a lot of color to the template. The art style is really pretty as well. The only thing is that because Mitsunari is in the foreground, it emphasizes him more than Ieyasu and yet Ieyasu is my favorite character in the game. I guess it's okay because the art is awesome and you can still see Ieyasu's upper body for the most part.

Sengoku Basara Ieyasu - This is the first of multiple Sengoku Basara templates I made based on Ieyasu. This is also the first of the few templates where I had to do some extensive Photoshopping. I've become the master of the magic/quick wand tool. The template is somewhat busy and colorful but it fits with the tone of the video game, which if you've never played it is a very over the top hyperbolic action packed representation of Japan's fuedal history. I've got Ieyasu's character art in the left space. I have his clan logo on both sides of the control panel. I really liked the art on the left side that features the four main characters so I placed in the back and created a sidebar of sorts out of it. I got the idea of using a screenshot from the game to fill up the space on the right. I felt like something was needed to help transition the two images so I have the word Basara scrolling down the middle between the stick and the buttons. I also have the Sengoku Basara logo on the bottom right.

Sengoku Basara Tokugawa - This is the second variation of the previous template. What's different about this one is I added another larger image of Ieyasu, this one of his back, behind the first image on the left side, creating this cool back to back overshadowing effect. I'm contemplating putting this second Ieyasu in the other template as well. The only problem with this is that it covers the background sidebar and you can no longer see Ieyasu or even really make out the image all that well. The screen shot on the right is also different. What I like about this one over the other one is that the colors seem to mesh better, with the yellow and orange and gold.

Vagrant Strory - Finally there's the art work from VS. I really love this piece. Riot luckily fits right in between the location of the joystick and the buttons. Merlose however was not so fortunate but you can still see her face and legs and part of her torso so it's alright. I'm not sure if it's the image or the way it's drawn but it's a little grainy upon inspection so I'm a little worried how it'll print but I really really like this artwork.

So there you have it, those are the rough drafts of the templates I'm thinking of printing off for my joystick. All of them are pretty cool IMO. The only ones I'm not wild about is the Hajime no Ippo (surprisingly despite it being my favorite anime), KH2 (too empty looking) and the Gundam (a little too grainey). I love the FLCL one but it's a little monotone in color. Tactics looks great but the right side is a little empty looking but maybe that's fine. VS looks great but I'm a little worried about the graininess of the image. Magna Carta looks great. I also absolutely love the Sengoku Basara templates but I'm not sure which of the three I like the best. Chances are I'll probably end up printing off a few and swapping out the art from time to time on my stick. Top Three?

Stick Art

2011-03-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

So I finally got my new fancy arcade stick and I'm looking to changing out the art work on it to my own custom art (which I've stolen from the internet for the most part haha). Help me decide which art to use, tell me which ones you like. I'll probably make a few templates in photoshop and then decide on a few that I want to finalize and print out.

Final Fantasy Tactics - One of my favorite games, I love to art style and the promotional art they produced for the PSP port they released a while back is one of my favorite pieces. I actually own a poster of the art.

Fooly Cooly - As crazy as the anime is, this particular scene is probably the most memorable despite how simple it is.

Gundam Seed - Giant robots are just cool and this wallpaper in particular is really stylish.

Hajime no Ippo - One of my favorite animes I love Ippo and boxing.

Sengoku Basara 3 - I probably won't use this art in particular but I love the video game Sengoku Basara, the new main character Ieyasu Tokugawa (the guy in gold) is one of the coolest characters I've seen in a video game in a long time. I could definitely see my joystick sporting a Ieyasu themed artwork.

Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep - BbS was awesome and Terra is another new favorite character design that I like.

Kingdom Hearts 2- This is another neat piece of artwork, it's very simple and clean (pun intended).

Captain America - One of my favorite marvel characters of all time. Perfect for Marvel vs Capcom 3.

Vagrant Story - A spin off of Final Fantasy Tactics, the artwork is done by the same artist. This is definitely a favorite.

Magna Carta - Artwork is done by Hyung Tae-Kim, arguably my favorite artist. His artwork and character design is rather unique. Plus he's representing Korea.

Devil May Cry 3 - Another one of my favorite video games, I might not pick this particular DMC artwork but Dante's one cool character worthy of being placed on my stick.

Personally, I'm thinking Sengoku Basara, Magna Carta, Ippo, Vagrant Story/FFT are my favorites so far.

Sleeping is Hard

2011-02-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

Even when trying to go to bed early. I hear that if you can't fall asleep within twenty minutes, you're doing yourself more harm than good by continuing to try and fall asleep. Instead you're supposed to go do something else to pass the time some and then try again. I decided to play some DJ Hero. Perhaps I'll try again at this sleep thing.

Fight Study: Plum - the Muay Thai Clinch

2011-02-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

Man, brutal class today. Coach sure has a tendency to crack you when fixing your mistakes. Haha, alright onto the analysis.

Combination 1: Plum clinch, twist off guard, curve knee, curve knee, straight knee, straight knee, transition out, cross, hook, cross, left or right round kick

*On the knees, I need to keep my hips in. What I've been doing previously where I throw my hips back is way too drastic and telling. Only bring my hip back enough to create the distance to throw the knee. Emphasize keeping your posture and keeping your hips in.

*Twisting an opponent off balance doesn't need to be drastic either. Make it a small movement but keep my posture and lower body in position. I can't be off balance when I'm throwing him off balance otherwise it negates the purpose of the move.

*When transitioning out of the clinch, the outside arm goes over the opponent's head (but always touches, never detach), positions on the well of the neck, straighten the arm and have the other hand up in a guarding position. Also when you step out around the corner, square back up into your kicking stance.

Things I need to work on:
High guard: Need to keep my hands higher. I like keeping them lower just because I can slip a lot easier but I'll need to find a balance.

Posture: Especially in the clinch and against taller opponents. I try to drag their heads down to get leverage on them usually but this opens up space for them to throw counter knees.

My Thai clinch needs a lot of work.

Fight Study: Footwork and Boxing Combinations

2011-02-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Working with a strictly boxing coach is really helping my footwork a lot. Some simple but fundamental footwork and boxing combinations we worked on tonight.

Combination 1: Jab, slip step left, jab jab

Combination 2: Jab, cross, slip step right, cross

Combination 3: Jab, slip step left, jab, jab, slip step right, cross

Combination 4: Jab, cross, block body right, rear uppercut, pivot lead hook, cross, jab jab

Things to work on:
Guarded jab: When throwing the jab, I need to tuck the chin and raise my left shoulder up to guard my chin just in case of a counter.

Video game rock and roll is dead. Long live video game rock and roll!

2011-02-11T00:26:00.001-07:00

Activision just announced that they have axed several video game franchises. They will no longer make Guitar Hero and DJ Hero games (as well as the video game True Crime Hong Kong). Now it's possible that the games might be revived later on in the future but for the time being, these games have been given the axe by Activision due to lack of profitability.

Factors leading to their demise
Expensive Peripherals: Peripheral based gaming has always been a niche market. The casual gamer is generally not willing to shell out an extra 40 to a 100 dollars more for a controller that they can only use for one game. As I look around my room at all the video game peripherals I've acquired over the years, a cobalt flux metal DDR pad, a Hori joystick for fighting games, a dj hero turn table, and rockband instruments (including the keyboard), I realize that I am not the casual gamer. I also love music games, been playing them since DDR back when I was in highschool. Unfortunately, what drives major sales (the sales Activision is looking for, because both DJ Hero and Guitar Hero were still making profit, just not as much profit when music games first got hot) is the ability to entice casual gamers to buy.

Over saturation of the market: While Rockband and Guitar Hero are competing games targeting the same audience of consumers, Activision deserves a lot of the blame of oversaturating the market with copious amounts of Guitar Hero games. It's the simple law of diminishing returns, consumers are going to find the games less entertaining when they're being inundated with sequels. Since Activision took over the GH series with 3, they have released: World Tour, Smash Hits, 5, Warriors of Rock, Aerosmith, Metallica, Van Halen, Band Hero, On Tour, On Tour Decades, and On Tour Modern Hits. Where Harmonix went right and where Activision went wrong, was to make Rockband a platform rather than just a video game with new tracks on it. The majority of Rockband's music from previous games can be converted to the most current game, as well as thousands of downloadable music that can be purchased for the game without having to purchase another standalone video game disc. This also means that income isn't a guarantee, since gamers can pick and choose what music they want to purchase, instead of paying a lump sum for another 60 songs or what not. While GH has similar functions, they aren't nearly as extensive as Rockband's. Activision sought the quick and guaranteed buck with the route they took and it has come back to bite them in the end.

Lame marketing campaigns: Parodying Risky Business was kind of funny at first...then it became redundant. More importantly, it relied on star power without showing off what makes GH and Rockband fun, essentially a karaoke party with your friends. DJ Hero 2's ad attempted to do this but they went overboard and made it seem like the game was too much of a party that it was laughable. The majority of the ad is dedicated to people dancing and making out. DJ Hero's a fun game but it isn't that fun.

Unfortunate bystanders
While I haven't enjoyed a GH since 3 and have always held by the conviction that Rockband is the better game with better music, the death of GH is still a blow to music video games in general, that includes Rockband. Hopefully GH fans will convert to Rockband and boost Rockband's sales (as the game deserves) but more likely than not, those GH gamers are either over music games or feel burned by Activision's decision to stop supporting the series. Think about it, you've been spending lots of money on plastic instruments for a game as well as downloaded music, only to hear that they've been rendered useless? The initial reaction isn't going to be to go spend more money on more instruments for another game (Yes, I am aware that Rockband supports a lot of GH's controllers, however does the casual gamer know that?).

What is also unfortunate is that DJ Hero and True Crime have gotten the axe as well. While I never played True Crime, the trailer for it's most recent game looked incredible. As a big fan of hong kong crime cinema, a video game that lets you experience that world really intrigued me. DJ Hero is the most disheartening of the news for me however. Say what you will about the lack of quality in the GH games but DJ Hero is amazing. The turntable peripheral is sturdy and solid. The gameplay really feels like you're affecting the music, unlike Bemani's own turntable game Beatmania, where the focus is more on pressing buttons instead of mixing music and scratching like in DJ Hero. Also the music is phenomenal, featuring hip hop and dance grooves in unique mash ups.

My memories of GH
To be honest, most of my fondest memories of GH came during the first two games, when Harmonix (the makers of Rockband) still had control of the series. I remember when my friend David lent the first game to me and I drove my roommate Corey nuts because I must have played the game religiously for that first few weeks that I had it. I played so much I was beating Expert songs by the 3rd day of playing. I remember trying to find a copy of GH2 before it's release date, almost succeeding at a best buy until the guy at the counter told me I wasn't able to purchase it before its street date. I remember playing GH2 so much that I 5 starred all the main songs (not the bonus extra songs) on expert. I had a sticker decal made just for my GH controller. When Activision took over the series with GH3, I admit I played it a lot but it wasn't nearly as fun as 2. The gameplay wasn't as tight and the new graphic direction was ugly. Boss battles were annoying rather than fun. The only reason I kept playing was the music and who can forget Dragonforce's Through the Fire and the Flames? Which I beat on expert by the way. Then Harmonix released Rockband and that was the end of GH for me. Despite not having played it in years and having long since moved onto Rockband, I still think fondly on the original games. Video game rock and roll is dead. Long live video game rock and roll.

Fight Study: Lead Leg Kickboxing Combinations

2011-02-10T21:32:00.001-07:00

Combination 1: Lead leg round kick, cross, lead hook/uppercut, cross, rear leg round kick, rear leg round kick

Combination 2: Lead leg round kick, lead leg round kick, cross, lead hook/uppercut, cross, rear leg round kick

Combination 3: Lead leg teep, lead leg round kick, cross, lead hook/uppercut, cross, rear leg round kick

Combination 4: Lead leg teep, lead leg round kick, cross, lead hook/uppercut, cross, rear leg round, thai clinch*, skip knee, skip knee, skip knee, push off exit clinch
* remember when initiating the clinch to swim one hand at a time, not both at the same time.

Things I need to work on:
Lean Back: I'm still leaning back when I throw my kicks, it's taking power away from my kicks and makes me easier to push over. I've also noticed that I'm leaning to the side when I throw my lead uppercut or hook, I'm trying to load up on it too much and it's slowing me down, takes power away from my punch and opens me up. It's all about body mechanics.

Cardio and Conditioning: Oh man, Coach Cross really knows how to push us. My back is already on fire and my hips were cramping up after class. I will need to do some stretching tonight. Piriformis stretches go!

Fight Study: Heavy Hands

2011-02-09T21:03:00.001-07:00

Boxing tonight. My punches are too light. There's no weight behind them. Coach told me I need to control my feet more. I settled down and sat down with my punches and could feel the difference.

The secret to punching power and boxing isn't in the muscles of the back, or the forearms and wrists. It all starts from the ground up. You use your lower body's kinectic chain, meaning your gastrocnemius (calf muscles), the hamstring and quadricep muscles, all the way up to the hips generate a force against the floor downward and backwards, propelling the body's momentum forward. That forward momentum is then transferred to the upper body kinectic chain and converted into momentum generated at the fist.

What I worry about it is being too heavy on my feet. I have a tendency of getting stuck and flat footed in boxing, which is why I try to utilize a more lighter footwork. Unfortunately it's affect my punching so I need to start over and concentrate on the fundamentals before I get fancy with my footwork.

Fight Study: The Front Kick Seen All Across the World (Anderson Silv v Belfort)

2011-02-05T23:53:00.001-07:00

Anderson Silva has received a lot of criticism over the last few fights. He's been criticized for his arrogance and his reluctance to finish fights and for that, the fans love to hate Silva. And yet, despite all the criticism, Silva has dominated each and every contender put in front of him. A near loss against Chael Sonnen however made Silva actually look vulnerable. Belfort was hyped as the fighter built to defeat Anderson Silva, with deadlier striking and wrestling ability than the champion.

And with one swift and forceful front kick to the jaw in the first round ended all that.

I love the front kick to the face. I've used it in my own kickboxing arsenal for a while now. What makes the front kick so effective is it's deceptive range and start up.

The Chambered Leg
Taekwondo and Karate fighters have been aware of this for quite some time but all their kicks come from a basic chambered position. Every kick in their arsenal starts from the chambered position, the leg bent and raised in the air. This allows the fighter to throw a side kick or a round house kick or a front kick all from the same chambered position. An incredibly important defensive ability is to read the minute details and movements of the body to determine what an opponent will attack with, so a fighter will watch their opponents shoulders which can telegraph a punch and a fighters hips can telegraph a kick. So if the initial motion and position of a kick is the same for every kick, it's difficult to read what kick is coming and where that kick will be aimed. at. In Muay Thai, you don't see the chambered leg in most of their kicks. Thai boxing generally doesn't utilize side kicks and their round house isn't chambered like Taekwondo round houses are. The teep or front kick is however thrown from a chambered position similar to its Karate and Taekwondo counter parts.

Rare Target
In Muay Thai, front kicks are generally thrown to the body. There's a few reasons for this. The front kick is usually used as a defensive tool to push your opponent back. If you want to forcibly move a person's back, you need to attack their center of mass. Usually if you front kick a guy in the head, it'll just snap their head back, not move them backwards. There is also another reason you rarely see front kicks to the face in Muay Thai. Traditionally in Thailand, to kick someone in the face is an act of disrespect. It's saying to your opponent, that they don't belong in the same ring with you and that they are outclassed. It has to do with the fact that the bottom of your feet that which you walk on become dirty and to place your dirty feet on your opponents face. Though generally most aren't aware of the historical connotations outside of Thailand.

Deceptive Range
The front kick is a very fast and deceptive kick. The hips drive the kick forward, propelling them. This also means that one can further extend the length of the kick by pushing their hip forward. This is why the kick's range is very deceptive. The natural reaction to a fast moving object coming towards your face is to flinch and pull your head back to try and avoid the kick. However, the head can only rear back so far, in most cases the foot will catch up with it and tonight, that's exactly what Silva's foot did to Belfort's face.

It's a shame the front kick to the face isn't used more often in MMA. Hell, it's a shame the front kick isn't used more in MMA period. But wow, what a stunning victory for Anderson Silva tonight.

Wake Up Alan (Alan Wake for Xbox 360)

2011-02-05T02:15:00.000-07:00

For about a week I've got access to an Xbox 360. Since I don't own an Xbox360 I haven't been able to play a bunch of Xbox games. To be honest there aren't really a lot of games I even want to play on the 360, I bought a PS3 for a reason (better suited my preference of video games). Anyway long story short, my buddy Nate suggested I play the game Alan Wake. Wake is a critically acclaimed psychological survival horror thriller. You play Alan Wake, a writer with a man crush on Stephen King, who gets tricked into staying at a haunted log cabin in the middle of a Twin Peak-esque town. An evil dark presence kidnaps your wife and holds her ransom, forcing you to write a new horror novel. Apparently this evil log cabin has the special ability to turn creative works of art into reality and the evil is seeking a novelist to write her an entrance to the real world. Along the way you encounter possessed town members engulfed in darkness and with your trusty flash light and revolver, you dispatch them as you head towards your goal of being reunited with your wife and preventing the evil from coming to reality.

The game was good and I do recommend playing it if you ever get the chance. It's a rather short game so it's a perfect rental. If you're looking for a video game with a great story, pick it up.

What the game does right is atmosphere. You spend a majority of the game wandering through a dark foggy forest in the middle of the night with only your flash light to light the way, in search of any lights in the distance to indicate your next destination.You also pick up collectible manuscripts to the novel Alan Wake wrote. It's interesting because in the game, the events of the manuscript are coming to reality. So you'll pick up a manuscript page about encountering a mad man with a chainsaw and you're anxiety shoots up in anticipation of whatever bad guy might be ready to ambush you around the corner with a chainsaw. There are also tvs and radios that you can encounter that flesh out the story and further enhance the atmosphere of the world. The tvs you encounter will show a short tv program called Night Springs, a neat parody/homage to the Twilight Zone. There are many allusions to Stephen King novels and themes and as I previously mentioned the town is a nod to the show Twin Peaks (as well as other little allusions). The game separates chapters in the game as Episodes, ending every episode with a Twin Peak-esque musical selection and at the start of every new episode you get a "Previously on Alan Wake" giving the game a very television drama feel like Lost or Twin Peaks. You can tell that the developers have an affection for the genre of suspenseful thrillers.

The storyline is also well written. Alan narrates the game through out, giving his insights and making the character a lot more personable. Barry's voice actor is somewhat irksome but he has a few genuinely funny moments. Because the game jumps ahead a week after the first act, you spend your time trying to figure out what happened to that missing week and the missing manuscript that you apparently finished writing. The game's story takes advantage of the interesting plot element of a fictional story becoming nonfiction in front of your eyes. For anyone who's played the game, I especially enjoyed the final scene of the Clicker episode, it's a very cool twist and the most memorable story element in the game for me.

The game however wasn't perfect in my opinion and while it's not necessarily a gripe, the actual gameplay is nothing impressive and functional at best. This is a problem because the majority of the game is gameplay, you traveling from one cutscene to the next to progress the great story. The biggest problem is the game's use of slow motion and bullet time. Seeing how the developers are the same as those who created the original Max Payne games, the first games that I'm aware of to incorporate bullet time in a video game, it doesn't surprise me that the effect exists in Alan Wake. The problem is it's misplaced and over used in Alan Wake. When a monster shows up on screen, the game will slow motion and pan to reveal the monster creeping up on you. So instead of monsters popping up behind you and scaring you, the game shows their location and gives you ample time to turn around and dispatch him, killing any and all possible anxiety and fear of having to watch your back as you travel in the dark. The game also slow motions when you kill the last enemy in a batch of enemies, signaling that you've killed all the enemies in the vicinity and you no longer have anything to worry about. Again, it kills the possibility of fear and the necessity of caution and any anxiety that may arise from not knowing what's around the next corner. The other time the game uses bullet time is when you dodge an enemy attack. What makes Resident Evil 4 and Dead Space scary despite being very action oriented survival horror games is the anxiety and panic that arises when enemies start to swarm you. In those games there is no easy dodge maneuver, if you get cornered you will be mauled by monsters and zombies very quickly, thus causing the fear of getting cornered or surrounded. There is also no slow motion so you have to think quickly while deadly monsters charge at you with promises of a gruesome death. In Alan Wake, the majority of encounters occur in the wide open spaces of the out doors, giving you plenty of room to back up and run away from your slow moving assailants. And even if you get surrounded, enemies telegraph their attacks so you can easily dodge them, initiate slow motion to slow down the action and give you another second to think, all while creating more space for you to reload and stun your enemies with your flash light. The game gets in its own way and kills any anxiety or fear or sense of panic that you experience in other survival horror games with it's bullet time. My friend disputes that the game isn't meant to a horror game but I disagree, there are certainly moments and events in the game that attempt to scare the gamer. If enemies were more threatening, the game might have succeeded.

There's also the fact that there is very little variety in the enemies themselves. There's a brute who will charge at you with a shovel or axe or chainsaw, a dual wielding hand axe carrier who will throw their axes at you, annoying poltergeist furniture and evil birds that will fling themselves at you and a fast moving brute that spazzes around you and waits for an opening. All can be dispatched of by shining your flash light on them and plugging them with ammunition. Speaking of which, there's also very little variation in weapons in the game. While it is more realistic that Alan isn't going to find an assault rifle in an isolated little north western town, every gun essentially functions the same with the only differences being ammo and stopping power. There's also no differentiation in where you shoot an enemy. There is no limb damage so there's no need to invest any skill in aiming. Again, you can argue that a writer who's never fired a gun before the events of the game isn't going to have the accuracy to fire off head shots, but that doesn't mean the gamer's skill should be ignored.

There's nothing broken about Alan Wakes gameplay, I just wasn't impressed by it and to be fair the gameplay isn't the selling point of the game, it's its thrilling storyline and for that I recommend playing the game. I just wished the gameplay was a little more enjoyable as I found my becoming bored with the mechanical like monotony of dispatching the "Taken" that I experienced as I hoped for the next checkpoint to yield a cut scene to further the plot.

Fight Study: Is Anderson Silva MMA's Muhammed Ali

2011-02-05T00:07:00.002-07:00

Is Anderson Silva MMA's Muhammed Ali? Now here me out before you call me blasphemous. I'm not saying Silva rivals Ali's social impact or even his long term impact on the sport. I'm looking at mostly personality and fighting styles. Some points to consider?

-Both fighters are tall and lanky with long limbs.
-Both fighters are known for their evasive footwork.
-Both fighters utilize their speed yet have knockout power in their hands.
-Both fighters are incredibly unorthodox, they don't seem to sit on their punches and yet can still deliver a knockout punch from an unusual angle that doesn't seem like it would generate a lot of force bio-mechanically.
-Expanding further on the unorthodox style of fighting, they both have fighting habits that are generally considered incorrect. Both Ali and Silva lean back to avoid punches and both fighters keep their hands low.
-Both fighters showboat in the ring, Ali with his famous Ali Shuffle and Silva's clowning around against Maia.

In terms of charisma and personality:
-Both fighters have been known to talk to their opponents during the fight. Ali would goad his opponents, yelling at Liston in their rematch to "get up bum!" as well as whispering in Foreman's ear "Is that all you got?." I don't think I need to remind everyone of Silva's in fight chatter against Maia.
-Both fighters gladly accept the role of heel. Ali admits that he imitated the professional wrestler Gorgeous George, who would anger the audience with his arrogance and cockiness. Ali also believed in theatrics. He once rented a tour bus with insults written across the side of the bus onto Sonny Liston's front yard just to get under Liston's skin so that he could get a title shot. Silva walks into a weigh ins with a mask.
-People also seem to love to hate and doubt both fighters chances at victory. Ali was never the favorite against Liston. A lot of people thought it was a dive on Liston's part. A lot of people thought Ali was going to be murdered in the ring by Foreman. When Ali converted to Islam, sports writers criticized Ali's boxing abilities, everything they had praised about him before became a negative attribute. Instead of being tactical in the ring, he was described as sneaky. Instead of being surgical and methodical, he was now boring and slow. His evasive footwork was no longer admired but instead scorned because now he was seen as running away. Sound familiar with Silva?

Now sure there are definitely differences, simply because of the differences between the two sports they inhabit. Silva's long term impact on the sport is also hard to judge at the current moment. I also doubt Silva will ever have a social impact like Ali did, but Ali never was aware of his social impact at the time and never set out to be a philanthropist and a spokesperson on social inequality.

*shrugs* I've been watching a lot of Ali documentaries lately and I always seem to notice the hate Silva receives. I think he's a great fighter and I always enjoy watching him fight. I noticed these similarities and thought I'd bring it up for thought.

Fight Study: Muay Thai Class October 21

2010-10-21T22:40:00.000-06:00

Two combinations tonight built off the jab.
Combination 1: Jab, cross, hook, hop step right/switch left kick

Combination 2: Fake jab, Rear leg front kick, hook cross, hop step right/switch left kick

Pendulum Step: I'm much more aware of the pendulum step after the switch left kick when I think about it but still relapse from time to time. It's still a little clumsy and not as quick and light on my feet as it could be but it's getting there.

Relax: I'm tensing up before I throw a punch. I'll need to either tape or shadow box in front of a mirror and check it out myself. I need to relax and concentrate on snapping the punches out, not muscling them out and tensing up.

Lower body Punching: I'm punching with my upper body too much and not generating power from the ground and the lower body. I need to drop my weight into my cross and pivot more on my lead hook.

Physical Therapy: Martial Art Injuries

2010-10-14T06:29:00.000-06:00

The morbidity of injury in martial arts is pretty high, higher than actually getting injured in a self defense situation (which many martial artists claim to train for). Soft tissue damage seems the most consistent injury in martial arts. At the beginner and amateur level, the most common injuries are sprains and strains, while at the veteran and professional level you see fractures and joint dysfunction. For today I'm going to discuss three common joint dysfunctions and the physical therapy stretches and exercises to treat them.

Rotator Cuff

What is it: The rotator cuff is a group of muscles, bones and tendons that make up the shoulder joint and rotate the arm inward or outwardly and stabilize the arm. The bones consist of the clavicle, scapula, and the humerus head. The muscles involved are the suprapinatus, infraspinatus, teres minor, and subscapularis (SITS).

The Injury: The most common injuries are bursitis, which is inflammation of the bursa (the gel sac that surrounds the head of the humerus at the glenohumeral joint), tendonitis, which is inflammation of the muscle tendons, and strains and tears. If tendonitis is left untreated, the muscle tendons weaken and become more susceptible to strain or tear. The most common muscle that strains is the suprapinatus, which runs under the acromium of the scapula and inserts on the greater tuberosity of the humerus. The injury I'll look at is a muscle strain or tear.

Diagnosis:

Stretches:

Walking Wall Stretch, Can stretch (external rotation), Towel stretch

Exercises:
Subscapularis

Infraspinatus

Supraspinatus

Patellar Tendinitis

What is it?: Commonly known as Jumper's knee or Sinding-Larsen-Johansen disease, is pain located on the anterior proximal origin of the patellar tendon on the patella.

The Injury: It is caused by overuse of the extensors muscles at the knee joint (the quadriceps femoris: rectus femoris, vastus medialis, vastus lateralis, vastus intermedius). Overuse leads to edema in the patellar tendon, which leads to further weakening of the tendon and increased tearing and degeneration of the tendon.

Diagnosis:

Stretches: Quadriceps stretches, standing, kneeling, prone variations

Exercises : The key is the strengthen the quadriceps muscle with a heavy emphasis on eccentric loading. Eccentric is when the muscle lengthens under tension, commonly known as the negative rep to many body builders. Studies suggest that eccentric exercise is the best tissue remodeling which is perfect for rehabilitation.

Eccentric squat on decline

Eccentric single leg raise

Step up

Achilles Tendinitis

What is it: The Achilles tendon is the joining of the gastrocnemius muscle and soleus muscle that attaches onto the calcaneus or the heel bone.

The injury: The tendon heals slowly as it is does not get very good blood supply, as such microtears in the the tendon can accumulate, inflammation occurs, scar tissue or cross fibers adhesion occurs, further increasing the likelihood of tears.

Diagnosis: An example of a test to check for a complete achilles tendon tear.

Stretches:

1. The gastrocnemius stretch; 2. The soleus strech, similar to 1. but with knees bent to deactivate the gastrocnemius.

Exercises:

Physical Therapy: Burning pain

2010-10-01T01:01:00.000-06:00

I have a headache and can't sleep. Thought I would write a little about what I learned today in PT.

An older patient came into the clinic claiming she experienced a burning sensation in her knee when climbing the stairs. Burning sensations generally fall into three categories: Lactic acid buildup (technically not an acid but that's another story), bone on bone grinding, or nerve pain.

When diagnosing, you never rule in diagnoses, you can only rule out. So you work through what a problem isn't instead of what it is.

It was not lactic acid build up because the pain is too centralized. Generally lactic acid build up creates a burning sensation in the muscle. Since the burning pain occurred only at the knee joint, we can rule out this diagnosis.

It was not nerve pain because again the pain was too centralized. Nerve pain can take any form of sensation but generally if it's a burning sensation it would be a form of radicular nerve pain, which means it the pain radiates from the spinal cord all along the nerve pathway. So the pain would go all along the leg, which was not the case with the patient today. Now the pain could also be a referred pain, where the pain is experienced at one location but originates from another. However, because the ankle and hip joints of the patient would relatively stable, we could rule this diagnosis out as well. Referred pain generally appears most commonly in the glenohumoral (shoulder) joint and deltoid tuberosity of the arm.

We concluded that the burning pain was likely caused by joint on joint grinding, essentially hypercompression of the quadriceps on the patella. As the patient climbs up the stairs, because she has decreased motion in her right leg, she can't fully extend that leg out when climbing the stairs, so as she steps to push her self up onto the next step the quadriceps are compensating for the lack of motion and thus compressing the joint more so than natural.

Fight Study

2010-09-23T22:02:00.000-06:00

First night back in a muay thai class in a long while. New coach, Pat Cross out of Roughhouse MMA. It was just me and one other guy tonight so it was practically a private lesson. Cross definitely knows his stuff and has some solid kicks. He was able to point out some bad habits of mine and give me some advice on what I need to work on right away.

Snap it out and pull it back

I'm a little lazy after my punches and kick land and I don't pull them back right away fast enough. I need to snap the punches out and pull them right back to my temple. When I kick, I need to land the kick straight back. I need to consciously think of my punches and kick as a full complete motion, throwing the punch out and pulling it back, not just throwing the punch to the target. Snap it out and pull it back.

Footwork after a kick

When I throw a kick, especially my lead left switch kick, I land with my feet right next to each other and not in my stance. I need to land into a side step, or land in a pendulum step (simultaneously replace my standing leg with my lead while shifting my standing back into it's rear position).

Halloween a Go Go!

2010-09-19T20:14:00.003-06:00

Halloween is coming up. When I was younger, Halloween was just an excuse to eat candy, which was exciting in itself back then. Now Halloween is an excuse to live out my childhood fantasies of pretending to be a superhero or a comic book character. It's silly but I get excited about dressing up. As is my tradition, I only dress up as comic book or video game superheroes that are usually pretty obscure and now it's time to decide which costume I'm going to be wearing this year. So here's a few ideas.
The Immortal Iron Fist

Danny Rand challenged the dragon Shou-Lao the Undying and won. He thrusts his hands into the brazier containing Shou-Lao's molten heart and from that point on, his hands became "like unto a thing of iron" becoming the next Iron Fist. Originally created by Marvel to cash in on the kung fu craze of the 70's, Iron Fist has seen a revival of late due to Marvel's Civil War and the subsequent New Avengers as well as the incredibly well done Immortal Iron Fist book of recent.

The Costume: This wouldn't be too difficult to pull off. A yellow kung fu sash is easy enough to order online and a yellow bandana can easily be ordered but because the bandana is also a mask it has to be larger than your average bandana. Again, I could probably just go to a fabric shop and make my own bandana. The biggest thing would be deciding how to go about the green outfit. Creepily enough, you can buy full suit spandex rather easily online, but that means I would be wearing spandex. The other route is to get a two piece of under armor/thermal type clothing.

Clark Kent/Superman

Mild mannered Clark Kent is the secret identity to the last son of Krypton, the greatest superhero of the DC universe: Superman.

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRcPtAKB2A1IwX3lLiRPDzQ6thFrVwK6nXUxhMVGkQ4Z0RE5Mo&t=1&usg=__Jb1rJBu7xP7tEhpBHDsto371K7w=

The Costume: This is my super lazy idea. Essentially me with some classes a business suit, and a superman t shirt underneath, that which I would reveal whenever asked who I am or when posing for pictures.

Asian Conan from Late Night with Conan O' Brien

Asian Conan fights to protect late night television, after all, he is with Team CoCo. Above all else, Asian Conan hates cynicism!

The Costume: This breaks my video game/comic book theme that I usually go with and as funny as Asian Conan was, it's really not my most favorite costume idea...but probably the funniest. Pretty easy to pull off too.

Evil ex from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

I loved this movie, so why not? If I do, I would probably go as Todd. I could be a Katanayagi twin but without a corresponding twin it would seem silly. Not to mention they weren't featured very much in the film. *Shrugs*

The Costume: Not very difficult, would either have to get a wig or dye my hair blonde. Would also need a hot date to be Envy Addams.

Terra from Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep

Terra is the tragic protagonist of the Kingdom Hearts birth by sleep video game for the psp. He is a strong keyblade wielder who wishes to become a keyblade master but struggles against his own darkness.

The Costume: Medium difficulty. My hair's not quite long enough for the side bangs but definitely long enough for the faux hawk. He pretty much wears an under armor shirt and some kendo hakama pants. Building/buying a keyblad would be tough, as would his shoulder pad though.

Ryu from Street Fighter

Ryu is the well known protagonist of the legendary fighting game series Street Fighter. With the release of Street Fighter IV and Super Street Fighter IV, Ryu is as popular as ever.

The Costume: This is my lazy costume. It's an easy costume to make and one I can make on the fly at the last minute if I can't get a costume together in time.

Captain America

Steve Rogers is the subject of an experimental Super Soldier serum that transforms his frail body into the perfect human specimen. He fights the Nazis of WWII along with his sidekick, Bucky Barnes. Not too long ago, Steve Rogers was assassinated at the end of Marvel's Civil War. Bucky Barnes, who had been kidnapped at the end of WWII and turned into a Russian assassin, The Winter Soldier, now dons the mantle of Captain America.

The Costume: I love Cap and I really dig Bucky's version a lot, it seems much more realistic than the completely blue costume of old. But this one might prove a little difficult. I can order a decent CA mask, the shield I can buy a round shield and paint over or even buy a CA shield (but I think those are expensive). I can get some black army boots probably at an army surplus store, as well as some black cargo pants easy enough. The trick part will come in the form of the top. One idea I can do is buy a black long sleeve shirt then buy a white shirt and some fabric paint or something. Not sure exactly yet.

Ken the Eagle from Gatchaman/G-Force/Battle of the Planets

Most people won't recognize this one since it's from a japanese cartoon in the 70s but recently the show has received some attention with the release of Tatsuneko vs. Capcom and the planned cgi film being made by Imagi studios (the guys that did Astroboy and the new TMNT). Ken the Eagle led a five man team of bird like ninjas who fought robots and evil aliens.

The Costume: I actually grew up watching reruns of Gatchaman in Korea and so this one has some special childhood nostalgia attached to it. This would usually be an impossible costume for me to put together because it is but then there is this:

http://www.milanoo.com/PVC-Gatchaman-Costume-with-White-Cape-p3141.html###

A premade costume is pretty lame but honestly I'm feeling a little lazy and apathetic this year. This costume is also made out of PVC, which I have no idea what it would be like to wear. It's shiny too, don't know about that. I would however have to make the helmet. I think if I bought a motorcycle helmet and just modify it then I think it would look close enough (the beak visor wouldn't be completely right). Apprehensions aside, this would be a crazy costume to pull off and it's something that's right up my alley as far as costumes go.

So there you have it, those are the costumes I have in mind. If there are any other costumes I'm open to suggestions. Would be interested to hear what my friends think.

Physical Therapy: Cervicogenic Headache

2010-09-07T11:49:00.001-06:00

Cervicogenic Headache

What is it?: A headache or cephalagia originating from the cervical spine (neck).

What causes it?: Tension in the cervical spine, whether it's from chronic overuse (neck flexion usually), a whiplash type of injury, arthritis in the facet joints of the vertebrae, or even intervertebral disc disease. Muscular trigger points in the shoulder blade (peri-scapular region) are also notably culpable. The pain is referred so it suggests CNS.

Where does it occur?: In the forefront or base (sub-occipital) of the skull

Treatment?: Cortisone injections can reduce the tension in the neck and shoulders, as well as x-ray guided facet joint blocks in the vertebrae. If the disc is degenerated then surgery is a possible option. Physical therapy options include manipulation and mobilization techniques (MET), ice and stimulation from a TENS unit. Postural exercises and neck flexions and extensions.

Physical Therapy: Congenital Talepes Equinovarus (CTEV)/Clubfoot

2010-08-31T12:12:00.000-06:00

Congenital Talepes Equinovarus

What is it?: Congenital Talepes Equinovarus or more commonly known as Clubfoot is a congenital disorder that affects normal structural positioning of the ankle or both ankles in infants. Infants with the disability will demonstrate an inversion at the talus and calcaneus joint, adduction of the talus and navicular bone, and equinus (or an upward bend) at the ankle joint. It occurs in males more so than females by a 2:1 ratio and if it occurs there's a 50% chance that it will be unilateral vs bilateral.

How does it occur?: There are several theories on the development of the disorder. Structural TEV can be attributed to a trisomy 18. Another common theory is that the deformity is caused by mechanical factors in the womb (mid trimester). There is also a theory that a primary plasma germ defect results in the talus bone being shortened and the anterior portion being rotated medially and plantarly.

How is it treated?: The Ponsetti method is the most popular method of correcting the deformity. Essentially a doctor or therapist will manipulate the feet towards the correct positioning and cast the feet in that new fixed position over the course of four weeks until the limb is properly aligned. Afterward, an achilles tenotomy, or division of the achilles tendon is performed to help lengthen the tendon and increase range of motion and flexibility of dorsi flexion and plantar flexion of the foot. A brace must then be worn for the next four years by the child to prevent possible relapses. This treatment claims an absurd success rate (95%). Invasive surgery is rarely necessary in the treatment of the deformity.

Physical Therapy: Myofascial Release Technique

2010-08-24T18:42:00.000-06:00

Myofascial Release Technique

What is it?: A physical therapy technique that targets the soft connective tissue (myofascia) of irritated and inflamed muscle groups accomplished by relaxing contracted muscles, increasing circulation, increasing venous and lymphatic drainage, and stimulating the stretch reflex of muscles and overlying fascia.

What does it treat?: Irritation of fascia or muscles results in local edema, when this edema becomes chronic the connective tissue thickens (fibrosis), which in turn causes more pain and swelling as well as a reflexive increase of muscle tension which completes the positive feedback loop of edema and somatic dysfunction. Ischemia, or restriction of the blood vessels is also a possible outcome if the edema is not treated.

How it's done: There are two common approaches to myofascial release: direct and indirect. The direct approach is essentially deep massage that directly attacks the restricted layers of myofascia and stretches them out. The indirect approach takes a more gentle and sustained stretching/massaging technique and applies it over time, stimulating blood flow and letting the fascia unwind itself.

Criticism: John Barnes who is one of the most outspoken members in the field sounds like the Ultimate Warrior during his promos and one of those motivational speakers. He talks about "Ancient Warrior" speaking through him and how everyone is unique and the challenges we face. Of course JFB-MFR as his particular extreme view of the field is called claims they can stretch out repressed memories in the myofascia, help the verbal and intellectual functioning of autistic children, contacting the dead (!?), and treating past trauma occurred while in the womb as a fetus (!?) among other outlandish claims. Moreover, there has yet to be very much scientific evidence to prove myofascial release therapy actually works.

Verdict: It's new science but it seems to work. Getting repeatable evidence in the field of physical therapy seems to be difficult. Barnes is kind of a nutcase though.

Physical Therapy: Muscle Energy Techniques (MET) and Craniosacral therapy

2010-08-17T00:53:00.000-06:00

Craniosacral therapy

What is it?: Craniosacral therapy is the alternative and holistic system that utilizes palpatation to "listen" (literally, some therapists claim to be able to hear the CSF flow with their hands) to the rhythmic pulse and tide of cerebral spinal fluid (CSF) throughout the brain and spine. Restrictions in the movement of the cranial sutures cause abnormalities in the CSF flow which in turn leads to disease.

What does it cure: Craniosacral therapy claims to ameliorate the following symptoms: headaches, migraines, neck and back pain, motor coordination and CNS difficulties, Temporamandibular joint (TMJ) dsyfunction, autism (!?), chronic fatigue, depression, attention deficit disorder (ADD), and many others.

How it works: Light palpations and massage of the cranium along cranial sutures to release restrictions in the in the CSF flow.

Verdict: Absolute nonsense. Anatomy 101 teaches that the cranial bones fuse together at the end of adolescence. While there is evidence that the CSF does exhibit a rhythm, no significant causal relationship has been proven between it and a person's health. The claims of listening to the CSF rhythm through gentle palpations border on the absurd, in one instance suggesting the ability to discuss with what one proponent of the treatment calls the "inner physician" which seems more akin to spiritual rather than scientific medicine. Studies have shown that measurements of CSF rhythmic rates are significantly inconsistent among therapists. Moreover, some of the dysfunctions that Craniosacral therapy claims to heal are spurious, autism for instance is still a mystery as far as causes and cures go. I suppose there may be some value in the massage techniques utilized in the system but not for the reasons Craniosacral osteopaths claim. There's always a possible psychological placebo affect that could occur as well. Otherwise, the therapy is completely sketchy. It is the physical therapy and osteopathy equivalent to psychology's phrenology.

Muscle Energy Techniques

What is it: Muscle Energy technique is a method of phsical therapy that utilizes joint manipulation and isometric contractions to address decreased range of motion and muscular hypertonicity caused by injury.

What does it cure: Joint pain, musclular hypertonicity, and decreased range of motion.

How does it work: MET is a direct and active therapy system, meaning it attacks the barriers of movement directly and require active participation on the part of the patient. The therapist manipulates the joints to the evaluate the extent of the patient's decreased range of motion, then places the joint at the barrier of movement and the patient participates in isometric contractions. The isometric conctractions take advantage of reflexive reciprocal inhibition, essentially when the antagonist of a joint is contracted, the agonist is inhibited and relaxed allowing further mobility of the impaired joint. The therapist then continues to further push the restricted movement until range of motion is recovered.

Verdict: MET is a functional and scientific approach to treating decreased range of motion in patients. The technique is similar to propioception neuromuscular facilitation (PNF) stretching.

Long Division

2010-08-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

"His head was a city of paper buildings
And the echoes that remained
Of old friends and lovers
Their features bleeding together in his brain
Once it started it's harder to tell them apart

He was always distracted
By the very mention of an open door
Because he had sworn not to be what he'd been before

To be a remain, remain, remain, remainder" - Long Division, Death Cab for Cutie

I never did feel comfortable in that white plastic folding chair. Its left arm rest had broken on one end and collapsed under the slightest weight, the back legs of the chair were positioned on an unsteady gravel pit that felt as if it would tip over with the slightest shift of backwards momentum. There was no cushion for the chair other than its hard plastic frame that which creaked with every nervous maneuver. I sat among strangers and makeshift friends, all aligned in a circumference in similar makeshift furniture. In the center stood a table, the top of which was obscured by a forest of empty brown beer bottles and cans. I had been welcomed openly into a tightly knit group of pleasant and jovial people despite my presence being foreign and anomalous. I had been given a window seat into the casual weekend night of a group of peers still residing in the college town I had not so long ago called my home. They offered me an invitation to the drinking, games and festivities but I politely declined, content to quietly watch from the sidelines. Or rather was I just too shy too interact? That plastic lawn chair became my fortress and from where I perched I viewed the drunken revelry, grinning in envious approval of my new friends bohemian like energy. I even mouthed the words to the songs they sung, that which secretly I knew most by heart. I sat back in that plastic chair, keeping my feet anchored to the ground, clasped my hands behind my head and stared into the darkness of the night sky. I had been accepted and yet I could not shake the feeling of disconnection, the sense of being out of place and out of touch with what was taking place in front of me. Why the hell was I so goddamn uncomfortable?

I had came up to visit a friend who was soon to be saying her goodbyes. Having known her for some time, it was regrettable that we were not closer friends. She was always someone I admired and her presence was always something I was conscious and aware of. Yet despite occasional run ins on campus we never really connected, somehow time just passed by and what seemed like introductions yesterday soon were to be farewell. An effort no matter how late was still an effort and when I reflect upon all the bridges burned behind me and all the faces I never had the opportunity to formally bid adieu, I was more than enthused to interrupt the boring hum drum grind that my life had become since college and revisit the city town once more to visit her and send her off once more.

Perhaps I shouldn't have gone back with her to meet her friends, maybe I should have said my goodbyes then and there. I was hesitant to go back when she invited me to stay and hang out, knowing full well how shy I can be in unfamiliar group settings. I had came to spend time with her before she left and for a few hours I had enjoyed her company for a Shakespearian play, that was more than I could ask for. Perhaps a finale at that point would have been more poignant and appropriately timed yet I didn't want to seem rude and turn down her offer, this was the girl who single handedly got me to attend math club in high school after all. Or maybe I just wanted to prolong the night for as long as possible, fully aware of the finite time I had available to me.

I never did feel comfortable in that white plastic folding chair but it was not the fault of the chair itself. My new acquaintances never put me in an awkward situation or did anything that would place me at unease. The scorching heat of the day had receded into a cool pleasant breeze and I was in delightful enough company. I mean no ill words of ungratefulness and now that I recollect, I was rather fortunate to have such an enjoyable night. And it was, it was genuinely a fun and entertaining reprieve from the life I had taken up since leaving college and reminded me of how much I missed and loved this college town. In fact I curse my own meekness and inability to overcome my introversion, how easily I was overwhelmed by the group atmosphere and wish I had volunteered more actively. So why was I so uncomfortable then? Why do I sound like I'm in denial and that I'm reassuring myself? Why did I feel like I was invisible, on the outside looking in?

It's a bittersweet epiphany to realize the life you're missing out on with the people you miss. Despite all the accommodations, something deep down inside me knew that I would never truly fit in with these people and that I would always feel uncomfortable sitting in the white plastic lawn chair. They were not my friends but hers and with an almost jealous longing I watched as she interacted with them with such ease. With my head in my hands I recalled the last time I had felt so relaxed around those I had called my closest friends. The memory seemed so old that the details and features seemed to bleed together in my brain. There was no way for me to participate because I was never truly there to begin with, I was instead lost in my own memories. These people were actors putting on a surreal play that recalled echoes of my own Saturday nights of my own past and I a passive audience. As the night dragged on and the fatigue set in, it became increasingly difficult to subdue and keep clandestine the swelling of conflicting emotions inside me. Joy mixed with bitter envy for what was and no longer is and the pervasive loneliness that such feelings yielded, I began even to hate this city that I had once considered a sanctuary. So many people in my life have moved on and here I was witnessing yet another friend leaving me, no longer would I likely run into her on campus as I no longer run into the many faces that have left me behind. I was disconnected from these people not by place but by time, for them they lived in the moment yet for me I remained in the past.

I will miss her as I miss all my friends that have passed me by. Sometimes it seems like you're never really ready to move on and say goodbye, until life has already passed you by.

Inception

2010-07-17T23:15:00.004-06:00

Ancient Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi once remarked that he had once dreamed he was a butterfly, flapping and flitting around happy as can be, completely oblivious to his identity as Zhuangzi and only aware of himself as a butterfly. Upon waking, Zhuangzi pontificated that he was unsure if he were a man dreaming he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming it was a human man. The paradox of dreams and reality has become a well known Chinese idiom that has greatly influenced the philosophies of Buddhism. It is this paradox that the film Inception so deftly explores. As a science fiction movie and one of the best since the original Matrix movie, there will be inevitable comparisons with the Matrix. Both films are visually stunning, challenge the narrative perceptions of reality and physics, and both will leave you with a lasting impression that will have you talking about the film after. Yet Inception is far more impressive than the Matrix and any film to come out in a long while, it is one of the best science fiction movies I've ever seen and one of the best films I've seen in a long while.

This blog post will not be a review but rather a discussion of the plot's mysteries. As such, this post will be rife with spoilers so if you have not seen the film I suggest not reading this. The movie lends itself to interpretation and as such I lend my thoughts.

**Spoilers Ahead**

***Spoilers***

Home is a Reality

Dom Cobb's goal for the entire film is to get back home to the United States so that he may live happily with his children once more. He takes a gamble with this last con job, to induce inception on Robert Fisher. The team succeeds and Saito upholds his end of the bargain, Dom Cobb is cleared to return to the United States and have his happy reunion with his family. The ending seems almost too good to be true and so Cobb lets his totem spin once more to assure himself and the audience know that he is indeed in reality. The final frames of the movie stares intently upon the spinning top yet fades to black moments before the top topples over. Dom Cobb did make it back to reality didn't he?

Most people believe that the top wobbles before the screen fades to black and assume that the top does fall (or would) and that Cobb is back in reality. This is the most prevalent theory that most audience members will come away with upon their initial viewing as it is probably the strongest supported interpretation.

So why have alternate theories popped up on the internet, why do people seem somewhat unsure about if Dom makes it back to reality or not? There are certainly several moments and lines of dialogue that draw suspicion on whether or not Dom's world is reality or not. The two most damning are the words that Mol (who is really a projection or a mirror of Dom's subconscious, which further reinforces Cobb's uncertainty of which reality is true) speaks to Dom in Limbo towards the end of the film, calling into uncertainty of what the audience had up til now assumed was reality. Was Dom's perceived reality of being the top notch extractor, being chased down and persecuted by the police and corporate thugs, all really just a dream? Furthermore, why not just show the top fall over? Obviously Nolan intended the ending to be ambiguous and as such since we do never seen the top fall the audience has no definitive answer to whether the world is reality or not.

Reality is just a Dream

Let's play with the idea that Dom's reality is actually just a dream, then how does one possibly go about supporting this theory? Right from the onset of the film, Nolan throws the audience off balance. Most audience members catch onto the ruse that Saito's palace party and Cobb and Arthur's James Bond-esque infiltration is actually a dream easily enough, but to expect that the layer above is actually a dream as well, the dream within a dream, that is something most audience members aren't expecting. What Nolan does is he's throwing the conventional out the window immediately. In the world of Inception, if it's possible for one to have a dream within a dream, or even a dream within a dream within a dream, then it's completely possible for yet another fourth layer to exist. Dom's reality could very well be yet another dream layer.

There are also certain lines spoken throughout that cast suspicion, I of course mentioned Mol's final dialogue but there are little lines such as when Dom goes to visit his father (played by Michael Caine)in Paris, who asks Dom "to come back to reality." Of course for most people, they will look at the top not falling down in the very last scene and possibly come to the reality is a dream theory. Yet they forget that Cobb while in this world spins his top to completion twice during the earlier moments of the movie (once in the hotel after getting off the train in Japan and once more after bringing Ariadne into the dream for the first time). So how does one explain Cobb's totem in the frame of this alternate theory?

The totem is unreliable

One possible explanation is that Dom's totem, the spinning top is unreliable from the very start. We are told to believe it represents a means to discern reality, yet we are also told that the totem must be unique to the owner. Cobb's totem isn't his own, it's actually Mol's. As such, is it possible that Cobb is able to unconsciously control the outcome of the top, that he is able to "project" his unconscious desire for reality upon the top. So in the first two instances when he spins the top, he wants to believe he's in the real world and the top falls over on its own in accordance. In the final instance, he stops paying attention to the top altogether, so perhaps in this instance the top is allowed to act as it is unrestricted by Cobb's influence. But wait you say, you can't actually control your projections and your subconscious, that's true, but as Fisher's second dream layer demonstrated, one's own subconscious can react differently and be altered. Perhaps the top defies the laws of physics and continues to spin. So if Cobb's reality is actually a dream then what purpose does it hold in terms of narration.

Double Inception

One interesting theory that is floating around is the idea that the true inception occurring in the film is not the inception placed on Fisher but one placed on Cobb himself. That someone (likely Miles and Ariadne) are actually pulling an inception on Cobb, planting the idea that Cobb must forgive himself or that he needs to come home to his children. In terms of motifs in the film, the ideas of reconciliation is shared both by Cobb and Fisher and in the end Cobb's redemption seems to take center stage. This would explain why Cobb's reality is actually a dream and why many of the characters in the film are somewhat one dimensional (since they are actually projections).

The strongest support of this is the character of Ariadne, who is an allusion to Greek mythology. In mythology, she is the daughter of Minos and helps Theseus through the labyrinth (the maze motif being so prevalent in the movie) with her red fleece that leads Theseus out of the maze. In Inception, Ariadne becomes the confidant of Cobb and helps lead him out of his own maze of dreams (also, she wears red prominently, which is an obvious tip off that the connection is intentional). The problem with this theory is that perhaps it might be reading too deep into the movie, and the theorist might be projecting and fabricating their own clues rather than analyzing what's in the film itself. So that brings us full circle to the original theory.

Personally I believe Cobb is in reality at the end of the movie, that reality is actual for Cobb. I think the totem does eventually topple, that Cobb's children did age, and that Saito, Arthur, and Eames as well as everyone in that world are genuine. The most important clue however is not the Cobb's totem, instead there is a totem for the audience that seems to define what layers are dreams and what layers are reality.

Wedding Band

Cobb's wedding band is the audience's totem. It's a very subtle clue that I was not aware during my first viewing and actually only learned of it after discussing it with a friend from work. When Cobb is in a dream state, he is wearing his wedding band however all other scenes where he is in what we assume to be reality, the wedding ring on his left hand is absent. This totem stays consistent through out the film as well, making it a reliable totem as far as I'm aware.

Of course director Nolan is completely aware of the wedding band and the ending is obviously meant to be ambiguous, this is clear by the fact that in the final sequence when Cobb is walking through the airport, his left hand is obscured from view preventing the audience from getting a clear definitive answer as to whether or not the world is reality. I think though that if there is a clear shot of Cobb's hand (which I doubt there is) that Cobb isn't wearing the ring as that would be consistent with earlier scenes of reality in the movie.

Reality is all relative

So does the top fall, is Cobb still in a dream or not? In a way, it really doesn't matter. He is a man so utterly lost that he really has no grip on what world is real and isn't. He's a man who in the first half of the movie, he's gripping a gun in one hand as he watches his totem spin, ready to kill himself the moment he suspects that he's in a dream. Yet in the final scene, he no longer cares about the top, he lets it spin and when he sees his children and realizes that they're more important, he walks away and is able to let go of his obsession.

Inception

The magic of Inception is like watching a magic trick unfold (and we all know how much Nolan likes magic tricks if his movie the Prestige is any indication). You are suspicious from the very beginning, you know things aren't as they seem and yet you can't quite piece it all together till the end. Even then, you're not sure if you saw through the trick or not because of the ambiguity of the ending. The ambiguity of the ending creates the shadow of doubt within the minds of the audience, that says that maybe the reality was just a dream, and just like in the movie, that doubt grows and becomes a cancer. The film encourages thought and encourages discussion and in that way, Nolan has achieved Inception in the minds of audiences.

Fight Analysis: The Overhand Right in MMA

2010-02-27T18:48:00.002-07:00

I have a friend at work who really follows the UFC and he's always bugging me to watch the fights so we can talk about them. I finally got around to it and we started talking about the Bader v. Jardine fight and the overhand right in MMA fights. Jardine was ahead on points and controlled the match until Bader desperately rushed in and forced an exchange and landed a lucky overhand right that turned Jardine off. There was certainly a bit of luck involved and it feels like the overhand right takes advantage of sloppy boxing in MMA more than anything. It got me thinking, why is the overhand right so effective in MMA. So here are my thoughts on the subject:

As an Effective Counter - The overhand right is an effective counter when thrown as a simultaneous counter and from a low angle. Slipping the jab to the inside (assuming no southpaws) and throwing the right over the their left can be an effective counter if your opponent is lazy about keeping their chin tucked or bring their hand back low. It's especially effective if the opponent is punching downward as a lot of panicked fighters have the bad habit of doing against an opponent who's ducked his way to the inside. Generally, good boxers keep the punch straight and tight, or if necessary they vertically hook the punch at the end but still keep their punch tight.

As an Effective Combination - The overhand right can also be used as an attack from below. You still need to slip to the inside and stay low but you first draw your opponent's attention with body blows then throw the overhand catching the opponent trying to punch downward. I would do this all the time and it's one of my favorite combination, I would slip the jab to the inside, throw a left hook to the body and then throw the overhand right.

In MMA - Unfortunately most MMA fighters have some sloppy boxing. It's a strange phenomenon, I'm sure lots of MMA fighters have competent boxing coaches (though I'm sure that's not always the case) and show proper technique in the gym. Yet a lot of MMA fighters get in the octagon or cage and slug it out. They swing their arms with wide arcs in their punches and they swim with their punches. (They drop their hands after they punch) Certainly fatigue factors in to an extent, tired fighters become complacent or too tired to maintain their technique. Still, boxers go twelve rounds with good technique and generally throw far more punches than MMA fighters do, there really is no excuse for MMA fighters. To be fair, a lot of MMA fighters start out as wrestlers who pick up boxing and its evident that their level of boxing is amateur at best and that's not to be faulted on lack of effort just lack of practice. Stubbornness is a possible factor as well, machismo seems to run rampant with a lot of MMA fighters and the pressure to perform and answer the blood lusting crowd with a knockout drives smart fighters to engage in stupid slug outs.

Sloppy Boxing as a Factor - When MMA fighters engage in those slug fests, they aren't throwing straight punches, they're swinging for the fences with wide swimming hooks which leaves them vulnerably open during punching. It's no wonder really to consider a punch landing when there are such gaping holes in the offensive defense of MMA fighters. So why is it the overhand that lands? It's instinctive I suppose, when a punch is coming at your head your natural reaction is to duck away. You're still punching and swinging though and as you're ducking away you're pulling one shoulder back and the other shoulder goes forward and it's only a matter of training that forward shoulder into a punch. The overhand can loop up and over the mess of arms and connect, thus the high success rate of the punch.

Countering the Overhand Right - The overhand right as it's often thrown in MMA is very wide arcing, rarely tight like a boxer's. Compared to straighter punches, it's actually a slow punch, don't get me wrong it still has a lot of acceleration behind that punch, but comparatively it's slow. As such it can be countered and guarded against. The most fundamental defensive technique is to tighten up your punching. No more swimming, no more wild arcing punches. No more crazy slug fests essentially. The second fundamental guard is to keep the chin tucked. As I mentioned first, an overhand right can be an instant counter to the jab so even a tight straight punch can be countered if timed correctly. The way you defend this is by keeping the chin tucked tight against the shoulder as the jab is extended to cut back on the possible damage and keep the chin protected. When countering the overhand right, use footwork, step away and circle off, get some room between you so that the overhand right whiffs. Then as you're stepping away, stick the jab in your opponents eye. Since your opponent is ducking and slipping he might be able to slip the first jab so double or even triple up on the jab. This is a particularly effective strategy for taller fighters with long reach. If backed up against the cage or if you prefer to try and stay in the pocket (risky) and fight on the inside, the trick is not to punch downwards as that'll leave you open. Instead get low and match the level of your opponent first. Or since it's MMA, set up a knee as your opponent is ducking away.

The overhand right can be somewhat deceptive due to the arcing nature of the punch. Yet I honestly believe that the effectiveness of the punch would be drastically reduced if more technical boxers existed in MMA. It's an effective punch don't get me wrong but its use in MMA is often so egregious that while exciting makes me cringe. There is certainly hope for striking in MMA, there are definitely fighters who understand how to use a jab but they seem few and far between on the UFC undercards.

Believe

2010-02-08T16:43:00.002-07:00

Can you be any more inspired after watching the Superbowl yesterday? It seems like everyone wanted the Saints win and why not? With the story built up around how the Saints are patrons of a city still recovering from tragedy and how that tragedy parallels with a recent tragedy, why wouldn't you want the Saints to win? Arguably more interesting than the feel good story behind the win was the actual game itself. I mean who starts the second half with an on side kick when you're only three points behind? Then the pick off return to pretty much end the game, magic.

You know the Who Dat chant of the Saints? Apparently there has been some difficulty in trying to own the copyright to the chant. The chant has quite a history with the south. It even has a history of being the personal chant of the old WWE professional wrestler Junkyard Dog, a New Orleans favorite and wrestling legend.

The NFL sure did use Arcade Fire's Wake Up a lot. They may as well just contract them to perform for the half time show next year but let's face it, no one would recognize them beyond the first few bars of Wake Up anyway.

Speaking of the half time show, geez, the Who looked old. I love the Who's music but this was not their finest hour by any means. It seemed like Townshend's guitar cut out at certain times and Daltrey's voice was nothing like it used to be. Sure Won't be fooled again is a perfect finale but Baba O Reilley so early in the set? Compare the Who to Springsteen's knee sliding crotch slam into a camera last year, or Paul McCartney's performance or even U2's tribute to the troops and tell me that you'll actually remember this performance?

Ya know who would be an awesome halftime show performer? Bon Jovi. They have a selection of greatest hits (let's face it, Livin on a Prayer would be their finale like it always is), they have new material, and they aren't so old that they can't still rock.

Or maybe they should just give it to Taylor Swift, since she's apparently the greatest musical artist of our time. *Sarcasm*

Oh, Superbowl commercials this year were kind of forgettable, although the Google commercial was my favorite. Nothing extravagant just very simple and artistic and strangely emotionally moving. If you haven't seen it yet, I've posted the ad below.

Nate's home! But I haven't been able to see him yet because I've been sick with one of the worst colds I've ever had. He was on the news and everything.

http://www.krdo.com/global/story.asp?s=11946752

There's the link to the news video. My favorite part is Nate's reaction to the limo. ("This is...nice?") I wonder if we could get some free pizzas from Little Cesars after this? You'll notice that I'm missing in the video, that's because I was curled up in the fetal position trying to cough my lungs out.

Bronchitis sucks.

If a body catch a body comin' through the rye

2010-01-29T21:05:00.002-07:00

J. D. Salinger is dead. I overheard the news on the television while eating dinner the other day. Not that it's shocking or surprising, the man passed away at the ripe age of 91. Still, it's like hearing about an old friend you hadn't heard mentioned or heard from in a long while, it takes by surprise for a moment, a delayed tinge of sadness.

I've gotten into the habit of documenting my daily actions. Inspired and more so annoyed by how much time I'm wasting away and how unproductive I've become as of late, I've decided that writing things down will help me schedule my time more efficiently. I have come to notice I spend a lot of time playing video games and sitting on the computer at my desk, watching tv or what not. Damn PS3 and it's easy to turn on via button on the controller.

Twitter is overkill. I rarely read any of the posts of the people that I follow. Some people really fancy themselves a lot. I can't decide which is more sad, the people who stalk these celebrities enough to actually care and read all these twitter posts or the celebrities and people twittering about every mundane situation in their life. The over saturation of lucidity probably helped send Salinger to his grave.

I'm seeing Brand New in concert tomorrow night in Denver. It will be incredible. I was supposed to see these guys in October but sickness in the band caused the concert to be postponed. Better late than never, especially considering there's rumors that this could be their last album.

I burned my back with an icepack. You're only supposed to keep them on for 20 minutes at a time or you can experience some frost nip. I didn't notice because I was watching a B-movie martial arts movie called Ninja, that and the fact that I probably had burned the nerves on my back. I have a nice blister back there and a round bruise. *Shrugs* Live and learn.

This time around, I actually owe money in taxes. Surprising considering I'm a bum that only works part time. Obama's stimulus plan also factored in. The irony of paying back the government because of a government stimulus is not lost upon me.

Chinese New Year falls on the same day as Valentines Day this year. I have plans for neither.

Who the hell is the Situation and what the hell is Jersey Shore?

This most recent season of Scrubs is different but a lot better than I expected. Usually when you have a "new class" type of spin off show, the show fails because it loses the characters that really matter. Certainly the show isn't the same without the Janitor, JD, Elliot, or Ted, but for Dr. Cox, Turk, Kelso and Denise to be the only returning characters and be able to hold the show together just goes to show how great secondary characters are in Scrubs. The new characters aren't horrible either: Lucy is supposed to be the new narrator but she's not quite as strong of a character as Braff's JD, still her mix of neurotic Elliot and random JD-ness is funny, Cole was obnoxious for the first half of the season but has gotten funnier and his stupidity channels the Todd one liner hilarity. Drew is the best addition to the cast in my opinion, as the prized student of dr. cox and the boyfriend of Denise, he actually ends up getting the most air time it seems thanks to his interaction and dynamic with the two other hilarious characters. I've always liked Denise as well and she continues to be funny. It's a shame that the ratings haven't been too great so I guess ABC is trying to burn through the season (it's almost over if I'm not mistaken, 3 or 4 more episodes to go I think?), it's not quite the old Scrubs but it's not such a train wreck as I had originally thought it might be.

Nate is coming home soon. Yay!! Man, can't believe it's been a year already. Sure did miss that guy.

2010

2010-01-07T23:22:00.003-07:00

I think I want to enlist in the military.

That was dramatic right? Actually, it's been something I've always considered. Lately I've been in such a rut. Whenever I get in ruts, I need some sort of drastic change to get me motivated and moving again. The military would certainly be it. I'm not terribly unhappy or anything, I'm just not going anywhere and I'm not the most patient of persons. I need a real job, new experiences, and possibly a new location...and the military would force me to do it. I feel like it would really drive me and focus me to chase after my full potential.

Ugh, I think it's just a really slow week for me (which it has been).

Fight Study: Machida v. Shogun Rua; UFC 104 (10/24/09)

2009-10-27T23:09:00.003-06:00

Shogun won.

Now that that's out of the way, let's look over this fight a little more closely.

"Karate is back"

Machida's reign as Light Heavyweight Champion is built a lot on his "allusiveness" (you mean "elusiveness" UFC programming directors) and his accuracy. He keeps his distance, then jumps in with some strikes and body kicks. Most of his fights go the distance, a lot of fans think he's boring. Machida credits his victories and skill to Karate. If anything, he should credit his flaws on Karate.

Dancing around the ring is not unique to Karate, if anything it's been a proven method of fighting since the advent of modern boxing. It is true that Karate and most traditional martial art (TMA) styles tend to stay in a longer range in their combat. Boxers and kickboxers will usually stand just outside of the boxing range. Karate and TMA guys will stand outside of kicking range, as such, a large part of their arsenal is to "jump in" to overcome this distance rapidly and fire off a shot. Since most TMA competitions are scored like glorified games of tag, a lot of TMA guys are good at backing off and avoiding contact. When it comes to boxing, the way you fight a dancing boxer is to cut the ring off and corner him against the ropes. In the much larger octagon, there's a lot more space for Machida to run, making it a lot harder for fighters to cut the ring off and punish Machida. It's a great strategy and surprises me as to why there aren't more fleet footed fighters in the UFC, likely some machismo mentality MMA fighters seem to have about slugging and banging in the middle of the ring as opposed to fighting a "boring" but smarter fight.

What Karate guys aren't good at is keeping their hands up. With certain exceptions, (Kyokushin Karate for instance) most Karate guys drop their hands. They also don't realize the importance of keeping their chin tucked, if anything, they are taught to keep their heads up to avoid getting tagged on the top of the head with an axe kick or the like. Machida keeps his hands low and when he throws punches he has the bad habit of dropping them after wards. His back pedaling and push off are usually enough to cover for his mistakes but slipping and countering could be the punch that knocks Machida out.

The Karate stance is also susceptible to low kicks. Since they stand with their body to one side, they keep their feet in line as opposed to the square stance of kickboxers. There's a reason why kickboxers keep their stance so square, it's so they can pick off and block low kicks shin to shin. The Karate stance is not optimal to block low kicks, with the legs and body facing the side and not forward, the leg has to rotate further outward to block the low kick.

Most TMA and Karate styles don't kick to the legs. In fact, Machida is more well known for his body kicks than his low kicks, which isn't surprising considering his karate background. The legs usually aren't a scoring target in most Karate competitions (again, with the exception of Kyokushin). This makes Machida predictable with his kicks, usually his speed allows him to get away with throwing a kick and getting out, yet predictable timing is predictable timing none the less. Check out Nate Marquardt's victory over Damian Maia at UFC 102 for proof.

To beat the Champ

So to sum up, Machida's defeat lies in cornering and cutting off the ring, timing his rush in attacks and countering to his body or his legs to further cut off his mobility, slipping and taking advantage of his high chin and lazy hands.

Shogun did nearly all that and still could not "win" in the eyes of the judges. Granted, the ruling has come into question and has brought the fight a great deal of controversy.

To Machida's credit, the fight is a lot closer than fans have been crying about. No round with the exception of the last round is clearly dominated by one fighter. (Shogun) The fourth round arguably goes to Shogun though not incredibly decisive by any means. The first three rounds is the trouble, they are very very close. For every strike Machida would throw, Shogun would return in kind, usually to Machida's legs. By the fifth round, Machida was heavy on his feet and couldn't muster much of a counter offensive to Shogun's devastating leg kicks. Shogun threw more strikes, landed more strikes, forced the pace and kept the offensive and had the only clearly dominating round in the fight. So what went wrong?

Judges decision

So what happened? The judges sure surprised the hell out of everyone, including Machida and his corner. The Judges scorecards revealed that all but one judge scored the first three rounds to Machida. All of them scored the final round in Shogun's favor at the least. The other two Judges scored the fourth to Shogun as well. So the first three rounds are the rounds in question. Truth be told, they were just too close to call. If you look at the math and say, okay, Machida won those first three rounds to Shogun's final two, then yes, Machida won by decision.

The problem with scorecards are that they don't take into account the tide of the match, nor do they allow "even" rounds. Let's say the first three rounds could be scored as even rounds. The only clear dominating round then goes to Shogun. Shogun was winning the fight at this point and had this rate continued and had there been more rounds in the match, Shogun would theoretically win. But that's not how MMA or boxing works and defeating fighters who rely on point wins is a fight against time. Point fighters win the battle by winning proxy battles, a significant round is meaningless then unless the fighter can finish off the fight in that significant round.

A possible explanation for Machida's taking of the first three rounds is the perception of low kicks by the judges. As far as I'm aware, there is no clarification on the weight of strikes, there is no rule that officially declares punches to the head scored higher than leg kicks, so the decision is up to the judges discretion. Can a leg kick finish a fight? Yes; however a leg kick will unlikely cause a flash or instant knockout. A punch can finish a fight instantly, the leg kick needs building up. In boxing, body punches are the same way, they are "money in the bank," an investment to take away a boxer's long term fighting ability. They are less likely to cause a knockdown but that doesn't necessarily mean they are scored any less. So when Machida throws a kick to the body of Shogun and Shogun counters with a leg kick, a possible theory is that the judges scored Machida's body kick more value than Shogun's low kicks.

Another possible explanation is who controlled what little grappling there was in the match. Shogun would counter a knee by shooting in for a takedown but Machida would defend all of Shogun's attempts. (3 or 4 in total I believe) This ends up scoring a point for Machida instead of shogun.

One could also make the argument that even though Shogun was the one pressing forward, Machida was the one initiating contact, Machida was the one firing first. Perhaps the judges interpreted this as offensive aggression, despite Machida's constant backwards footwork. Most would argue that Machida's retreating would constitute as defensive aggression, which the rule set officially declare as inferior to offensive striking. Also, since Machida is back pedaling while getting hit by Shogun, perhaps the judges argued that Shogun's strikes didn't have as much weight behind them and weren't as significant as Machida's. Though to be honest I hardly buy this.

Honestly the match was very close, I still think Shogun won the fight, pressed the pace, gave as good as he got and then some, and had the only dominating round in the match. It wasn't quite the robbery everyone claimed, it was a lot closer in scoring than people are giving Machida credit.

Yet one thing remains rightfully clear, Machida's image of Karate invincibility has all but dissolved at this point thanks to Shogun. Can every fighter have similar success as Shogun did against Machida? Not likely. Can Machida overcome his faults, yes, but part of the problem lies in his so called strength. As I pointed out, his sloppy habits are the faults of Karate. There is a reason why TMA were so easily beaten in the early octagon days. There's a reason why MMA fighters are pretty generic now in their fighting styles. Certainly part of Machida's fame is his distinct Karate flavor and I would like to see him overcome his faults without compromising his Karate lineage but that will be difficult. The hands and chin can be ameliorated but years of TMA can ingrain bad habits. The stance however has no true counter measure to low kicks. The only means of defending a low kick in a karate stance is footwork really, to step back and away and let the kick miss completely. Unfortunately, the way Shogun countered left little time for Machida to regain his balance fast enough and step out of the way, and as the match continued and the leg kicks accumulated, Machida's reflexes had been worn down to the point that footwork was impossible. Kyokushin Karate is the only Karate I'm aware of that trains with leg kicks specifically, of course Kyokushin does so by compromising the traditional karate stance for a more square stance, similar to kickboxers.

The rematch is set to be as immediate as possible, thankfully. So we'll be seeing Shogun v Machida 2 by either late December or January if possible. Good news for true fight fans, this was a fun fight to watch.

Fight Study: Mayweather vs Marquez (9-19-09)

2009-09-23T00:47:00.002-06:00

Just finished watching the Mayweather comeback. It's not the most exciting fight but if you want a textbook example of great boxing defense, then look no further than Mayweather. To be fair, Marquez isn't the best offensive fighter, he's actually more of a counter puncher. Unfortunately, Mayweather is a bad match up for Marquez's style. Counter punching relies on having an aggressive opponent and being faster than him, both things Marquez did not have in Mayweather. Let's recall what made Mayweather shine in the match.

A left hand that can rule the world

If you want to see how to use the jab effectively in a boxing match, watch this fight. He absolutely controls the fight and the distance with his jab and with his speed, his jab continued to land in Marquez's face. Not that Marquez's hands were particularly low, but it looked like Mayweather had an open lane to Marquez's nose the entire time. This is deceptive, it's not that Marquez was open, he was just slow to react and couldn't parry the jab the entire night. Mayweather would throw the jab offensively but more importantly he would throw it defensively to keep Marquez at bay and when Marquez did close the distance, Mayweather would make him pay with a quick right cross following his jab.

Mayweather with legs astride, steps his left foot forward to throw the jab, keeping his right foot back like an anchor. Then he snaps the jab out and steps his left back to his stance, safely out of range of retaliation. It's that rear right foot that lets him pull back without back pedaling, it's the deep forward step that lets him reach his target from out of range. Up until now I have been throwing my jab mostly from the shoulder, sure I step forward with my left but I had been doing so as a formality without truly realizing how to apply it. I need to take a deeper step w/ probing jabs.

Shoulder roll

The shoulder roll style of defense is pretty tricky to utilize but a great defense and one Mayweather essentially has mastered. His right's always up protecting his face, his left shoulder is raised to block his chin, his left arm covers his body and if need be his left elbow raises to block any incoming rights to the head. When his back would touch the ropes, which didn't happen enough to Marquez's likings, he would cover up in a more traditional ear muffs style of block w/ his elbows tucked in tight. Try as Marquez might, he had very little success of landing any meaningful punches to Mayweather's chin and body. He certainly connected but nearly all glanced off Mayweather's defense. My own defense is more of a peek-a-boo style so the shoulder roll isn't really my style but there are times when I'll slip into it after certain attacks or if I happen to drop my left after an attack and can't bring it up fast enough to block a counter. I do however have a bad habit of not keeping my elbows tucked in tight enough and could learn a thing from Mayweather.

Turning the opponent

In boxing, there's a saying that you want to turn your opponent. That when you step around your opponent, you cut an angle and make him have to turn to face you again. Often, Mayweather would land a counter right when Marquez tried to sneak in with his own left, then react fast enough to Marquez's incoming right and duck right under the punch, cut the angle, and turn around to his back. Generally you don't want to step to your opponent's right because you're in danger of stepping into his power hand. (assuming all orthodox stances) However sometimes when you're in punching range or if your opponent is coming towards you and you don't have enough time to react you have to do what you can. Being able to react and duck that right like Mayweather did and turn, that's talent. I myself like to counter punch in boxing range, which I've come to realize requires great reaction speed to point blank punches. It's something I'll have to keep practicing.

It'd be interesting to see what would happen if Pacquiao and Mayweather fought. Everybody wants it, it's just politics and money preventing the fight. The two top contenders for the pound for pound title, the king of offense versus the master of defense, it'd be a hell of a fight. Honestly I'm not sure how you can beat Mayweather, his defense and speed is phenomenal, but maybe Pacquiao's own speed and power is the answer.

Who was that masked man?

2009-09-21T02:51:00.008-06:00

I love Halloween. Actually, that's a lie. I love chocolate and candy but I'm indifferent to scary/spooky/gorey/gross/haunted and every other adjective associated with the so called holiday. Honestly, I really just love dressing up in a costume and on Halloween I can justify my secret love affair with cosplaying without people looking at me like I'm an absolute freak. Cosplay is short for costume play, it's where super fans (nerds) of comics/anime/movies/videogames/science fiction show their affection for their favorite comics/animes/movies/videogames/science fictions by dressing up as their favorite characters. A lot of "hardcore" cosplayers will construct their costumes from scratch, the skills and patience which I lack. These cosplayers tend to gather at convention shows and congregate with other cosplayers and fans. Goofy posing for pictures ensues. I've been to one anime convention, I was there to watch Spencer and Tai play Smash Bros at a game tournament, the nerdness was overwhelming.

There's good cosplay

and then there's so absolutely god awful that your face melt like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Still the dedication some fans have to be able to create their own costumes is admirable (if not, obsessive and borderline creepy) and there's something cool about a really well done costume. Dressing up like your favorite super hero can be a lot of fun, hero worship is endearing to me and so every year when Halloween rolls around I really contemplate and plan out what I want to dress up as eagerly.

This year I've narrowed it down to about three choices. They are as follows:

Little Mac from Punch Out!

Pretty easy costume really. Some green shorts, a black under shirt, and some boxing gloves. The boxing gloves are the hardest aspect, since they're green and all. I could spend the money on some real green boxing gloves, which I can also get long term use out of w/ my actual boxing, or I could just buy some cheap ones and a can of spray paint. I have fond child hood memories of the original Punch Out game on the ol' Nintendo and with the new "remake" that came out for the Wii this year, this is a very viable costume. It is kind of too easy though, what with me actually being a boxer and all and only the video game savvy will be able to distinguish the subtlety of being Little Mac and not just a generic "boxing" costume.

The Spirit

As far as comic book super hero's go, none are as stylish as Will Eisner's the Spirit. Sure the movie came out late last year and sort of flopped but I loved Frank Miller's slick movie. The costume wouldn't be too difficult to construct either, the hardest piece being the signature black trench coat. Sadly there aren't too many cheap trench coats around so the coat could be costly, but I did happen to find a red trench for fairly cheap for my Dante costume last year so it's plausible. Plus, who doesn't love the opportunity to wear a fedora?

Kato from the Green Hornet

This is a costume I've been wanting to try for a while now but never could figure out how to get the materials cheaply enough. Kato is another comic book hero that is very simple and stylish in design, hailing from a similar era as that of Will Eisner's the Spirit. Of course, Kato was brought to life by the one and only Bruce Lee. For a while now I've toyed with the costume idea, the chauffeur's cap is easy enough to order online but buying the coat is rather difficult as I could not find a cheap alternative to the pricey jackets online. Recently though I read on a website that a chef's jacket could play as a cheap alternative and sure enough I can order online a black chef's jacket that'll help me look the part. Along with a domino mask, now fairly easy to find thanks to Kill Bill's crazy 88s, and some black foam nunchucks, this costume is now a very viable possibility.

I also considered a costume inspired by the movies Watchmen or GI Joe. However, Rorschach is likely going to be a very popular costume this year and a quality looking Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow, while it would be fun to dress up as a ninja again something I haven't done since elementary school, would require a lot more ingenuity and money.

I had some time to kill this weekend and was in the near vicinity of a Halloween store so I moseyed in and took a gander at what they had to offer. A lot of hats, a lot of prop weapons, some rubber masks, and packaged ensemble costumes, most of which were priced ridiculously in the 60 dollar range. They're complete quick costumes for the lazy and uninspired but I guess there aren't really a lot of places you can pick up a chicken suit. As I walked through the adult costumes I noticed something about adult male costumes and adult female costumes. Adult male costumes for the most part tend to be perverse gag/joke costumes. The hot dog vendor, or pickle vendor, or dick in the box, or some other play on the dick in the box sketch form SNL. At least there are some character costumes you can buy. Yet ladies have it worse, everything they have to choose from look like stripper outfits. Even their character costumes are "sexified." I suppose that's to be expected when Playboy starts selling sexy Halloween costumes. Now I'm not complaining that ladies seem to like dressing up in sexy outfits that on any other night would pass for lingerie. I'm pretty sure Mean Girls made a good observation about this same phenomenon. I just thought it peculiar that the preference for Halloween costumes and the intentions behind them are so different from my own. Some people seem to want to get lucky on Halloween. I just want to dress up as a super hero. Man, I'm a dork.

Lessons Learned - Matt and Kim

2009-09-12T21:10:00.003-06:00

Have you seen the Mojito Bacadari commercial that's been playing lately? This one I mean:

It's a pretty cool commercial and the song is super catchy. That song is Daylight by Matt and Kim and I saw them live for the second time this year last Tuesday.

I was in Fort Collins one night earlier this year seeing my friend Amy's band Post Paradise perform at the Aggie. I was hanging out w/ the FoCo crew and sipping on my beer when this crazy catchy song comes on, followed by more frenetic and catchy music. I was really digging the band but they were completely foreign to me so I literally walked up to the DJ and asked the guy who the band was playing. He had it on shuffle and didn't even know himself (some DJ) but it turned out to be Matt and Kim. I made a mental note and enjoyed the night.

Practically the next day I see a flyer in the Psychology building for a concert, Cut Copy feat. Matt and Kim. I figured what the hell and picked up some tickets.

These guys were soooooo much fun to see live. Matt and Kim are just up there having such fun on stage that their joy really transmits and infects the audience; it's impossible not to have fun with them playing as far as I'm concerned. I mean they do crazy antics on stage like walk on the crowd, posing and pointing to the sky, and jumping around while playing and the fans are clapping and singing and jumping like crazy. I was only saddened that they were the opening act and could only play half a set list. Not to take anything away from Cut Copy though, they turned out to be really good live as well. After the show I actually got the chance to talk to Kim and it was pretty cool, I got her to sign a copy of their cd and she told me that they were coming back in September and I told them I would be there.

And I was. And it was unbelievable.

What's cool is that as I was coming to the bluebird, I was wearing my Matt and Kim t shirt I had bought from when they opened for Cut Copy, and I'm walking towards the theater and I see this guy approaching from the opposite direction. He notices my shirt and points at me in recognition and I recognize the guy as well. It's Matt! From Matt and Kim! And I shook his hand and told him I was excited for the show. Haha. I got a lot of feedback on my Grand t shirt, maybe Matt and Kim should consider re-selling that shirt again.

Inside the venue I staked out a spot up in the pit and waited w/ the help of a Heineken. I probably ended up waiting an hour or so for the show but I much rather arrive early than fight for a spot when arriving late. There was this girl w/ this guy hanging out at the front of the stage also and this girl had this long thick brown hair and she would run her fingers through it and flip it over to one side and tease it every now and then and every time she played with her hair, I wanted to pin her against the wall and devour her. If there was ever any doubt, I know now, I really have a thing for voluptuous hair.

As the pit and theater filled in, finally the opening act came on stage. First it was two dj's that were spinning and laying down some great dance beats. The crowd though wasn't really into it all that much from where I could tell, which is lame because how can you come to a concert and not dance? Didn't bother me, I was having fun dancing and the beautiful blonde next to me that was also dancing away sure didn't hurt.

Then Amanda Blank came on and really impressed. Here's a lady who can rhyme, has dance flavored pop beats, and also can sing. She reminded me of the Ting Ting's Katie White, if, you know, she were an dark haired American from Philly who rapped about naughty things.

I really dug her and picked up her cd and even got to get her to autograph it after the show, she was cool and I've been trying to pass her music onto my friends. Seriously, "Might Like you Better" has been stuck in my head since Tuesday.

Then the roadies came out to rearrange the stage and the ladies next to me where inquisitively asking if one of the roadies was Matt. I just smiled quietly to myself having known that I had recognized and met Matt just outside the venue before the show. T.I.'s "Bring em Out" came on and some of the fans that I recognized had also been at the Cut Copy show started to get excited along w/ me, knowing that Matt and Kim came out to that song the last time they played.

As frenetic as their album is, they are a million times crazier on stage. They play everything as fast as they can and as loud as they can. What was really cool was that this time around, the audience was there for Matt and Kim and so they were really into it this time around. Lyrics were sung, hands were thrown in the air, there was clapping and jumping and Denver Colorado went crazy!

*Right after this, they played and "retired" their rendition of Final Countdown. Haha!

They also played Lessons Learned live, which is my favorite song and one I was sad they didn't play when they opened for Cut Copy. If you haven't seen it, check out their music video for the song. It's NOT SAFE FOR WORK mind you but it's a simple and cool concept of saying to hell with everything, thus symbolized by them going streaking in the middle of times square in the dead cold of February.

When they opened for Cut Copy, they closed with Silver Tiles (posted above). This time, they closed with Daylight!

After the show they dived into the crowd and danced their way all the way to the back where they signed t shirts and cds and posed for pictures a good full hour after the show had ended. Usually main acts don't really do that but Matt and Kim were cool enough to stick around. I got to talk w/ them briefly, Matt actually remembered me from before the show even!

All in all, I love the Bluebird, it's such a nice venue. Moreover, I love Matt and Kim! They put on such an amazing concert and they're just so much fun live and I highly recommend seeing them if given the opportunity. What's more, I get to go back to the Bluebird tomorrow and do it all over again with Gaslight Anthem. Haha. I love live music.

*Thanks to Youtube user jodiesconcerts for uploading the vids of the concert!

Ready to rumble

2009-08-04T08:28:00.002-06:00

One of the reasons I loved Boulder so much was how athletically conscious the city was, which meant great opportunities for exercise and fitness. I remember when I lived within walking distance of the campus, I went to the gym every day during the summer. I took good advantage of that campus's rec center.

I also had a great opportunity to study Muay Thai under K-1 and MMA fighter Duane Ludwig and the equally awesome Tyler Toner. For being taught out of a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu school, I was fortunate to take in some quality Muay Thai instruction.

When I first came back to the Springs, I knew that I needed to do two things. Find a gym and find a boxing gym. My mom had gotten a membership to a 24 hour fitness a few months back and has really thrown herself into improving her fitness and so signing up for a gym membership was easy enough as 24 hour proved to provide everything I would really need in a weight room. Not to mention it's open 24 hours which fits my odd hours perfectly. I haven't been going every day, since I'm still adjusting to work, but I'm definitely getting back into things and starting to go more consistantly.

The second task proved to be a bit more difficult. There tends to be three types of schools that offer muay thai: 1. The Karate/Taekwondo school that offers "kickboxing" to attract customers and pursuade critics that they can teach "practical" martial arts that work on the mythical "streetz" or cardio kickboxing to attract soccer moms. 2. The MMA school that is cashing in on the sucess of MMA by offering a buffet selection of different aspects of MMA (bjj/muay thai/boxing/wrestling/etc). and 3. A traditional yet legitimate boxing gym. The occurences of these gyms occur in popularity in the same order, there being more Karate schools than Boxing gyms. MMA schools can offer decent Muay Thai instruction but not always, in fact Easton BJJ (the place I trained in Boulder) is probably an exception more than the rule.

I checked out a few MMA schools since boxing gyms are few and a Karate-fied watered down Muay Thai was not what I was looking for. The first gym I checked out was Pikes Peak Combat Sports. Fairly spacious place, offering a wide variety of training from cardio kickboxing to wrestling to krav maga, the buffet style of school that also offered cross fit training. What's nice is that there's a flat fee for the gym and students can take any and all classes they want to take. That's nice and all and it would be neat to pick up wrestling and jiu jitsu all in one place but I'm not focused on learning that stuff currently. I stuck around for their Muay Thai class, which started late because the guys were still rolling around doing BJJ, which is irritating. It's okay for the guys that stay all day and train since they're not in a hurry (which is what the students in the class that day were) but if I'm there to train seriously for Muay Thai and I'm coming there just for the Thai boxing, I'd be annoyed by the late start. The students wore fingerless MMA gloves, which isn't very practical for boxing and also reinforces that Muay Thai for the sake of MMA mentality. There was also a lot of goofing around. Certainly a relaxed and loose atmosphere is great but training should be serious and focused, instead I saw one guy strike goofy ninja poses and whenever they messed up they'd take a break from the training drill and go mess around on some nearby gymnastic rings before coming back to the training drill. If I were training with someone like that, I'd be pissed off for that guy wasting my time. I think the manager must have sensed that I was bored or unimpressed because he reassured me that the guys I was watching were still fairly new. To me they definitely looked like wrestlers trying to kickbox so I figured they had to be new. I guess I came on the day their veteran guys were out of town or something. I stayed a little while longer for their "Bag Circuit" class which turned out to be nothing more than a cardio kickboxing class. I left unimpressed and disappointed.

I met a fighter from the Fight Factory at 24 hour fitness and asked him about the gym. He said some great things but when I asked him about Muay Thai he said they don't really offer it. I guess they're an MMA only gym.

I wanted to but didn't get the chance to check out Rough House MMA. Heard good things about it and it seems like a legitimate MMA school. They only offer MMA twice a week though and I was starting to get fed up with not kicking something so I went with what I had originally figured would be my best bet for advancing my kickboxing.

I checked out a boxing gym called Boxe Francaise Sports. Originally a Savate gym, the gym has the feel of a genuine boxing gym. It's headed up by Ali Rezgui, who's apparently headed up boxing gyms and competed for French National teams. His website has competition pictures and videos of 8 year old kids (as well as adult fighters of course) that have better boxing and footwork than what I've seen from some adult amateur MMA fighters. I went in to his gym (which is modest but at least has heavy bags and a miniture ring, all the proper necessities) and met the guy and got the chance to talk to him. When I told him I was training under Duane Ludwig he nodded in recognition and told me he knew Duane and had actually coached him when he was little. That surprised and impressed the hell out of me and I was ready to sign up for a membership right then and there. He instead suggested I come in tomorrow and bring my gear and train and see how I like it. Today I'll be taking him up on that offer and I'm hoping I can impress him and make a good first impression.

I've been excited about it all morning and can't stop shadow boxing in anticipation.

Courage

2009-08-02T17:50:00.002-06:00

After an epic struggle with html, coding, and photoshop, I present the new layout. I'm still disappointed with the loss of the art that comprised the old layout, especially since the banner was made up of original sketches of mine and such but I put some effort into the new banner on this one and I think it came out alright considering my amateur photoshopping talent. It's still a pretty simple layout, 2 columns, about three colors but I've learned that a layout can be overwhelming and overkill and so I like the simple and practical look of it. It's a modification of blogger's own rounders 4 layout, which on reflection probably wasn't the easiest of the layouts to choose to modify but oh well. I did decide to widen and adjust the widths of the layout to create some more reading space but that proved to be a lot more trouble than expected. You'll notice that I was able to keep the corners on my sidebar and footer. These were surprisingly tricky as rounders uses images to simulate corners and that meant adjusting those images to adjust the widths. I'm certainly not fluent in photoshop and css/html so it took quite a bit of trial and error and internet reading but the result is what you see now. Oh, I also mean to put up a horizontal navigation bar below the banner so I can create subdivisions on my site...but that'll wait.

So with all new phases in my life comes a blog theme reboot. This time, my current "it" word is "용기" pronounced "Yong gi" meaning "Courage." It's pretty self explanatory and fitting now that I've entered the brave new world of "real life." It's also something I've always lacked in my life and I've realized that the strength I've always been envious of and searched for has always been courage. My admiration is demonstrated in the banner's art. The original picture (sans the filtered photoshop effect) is of the boxing match between korean boxer Kim Duk Koo and champion Ray Mancini. Severly overmatched, Kim entered the ring as a challenger. The night before the fight he had scribbled "Live or die" (contrary to popular misconception "Kill or be killed") on his hotel room mirror. Kim fought Mancini in the sweltering heat of Las Vegas only to tragically fall in the 14th round. He fell into a coma shortly after and died. Gruesome but I've always fancied tragic heroes. Yet it's not Kim's death that I idolize but the courage it took to go in that ring and lay his life on the line, the metaphor made real with Kim's own death. That mentality as a challenger, that courage is what I adore and respect.

Where did the background go?

2009-07-07T21:01:00.002-06:00

It seems like it's a ritual for me to reinvent this blog's design every other year or so. I guess I figure if I rebuilt it in some way shape or form I would be more motivated to post entries on it. It is also true that I just like to reinvent myself and if this blog is to be believed as an extension of me then, by the transitive property of that analogy, reinvent the blog. For once though, the redesign and overhaul of this blog is actually necessary. Some time ago, the host site for my pictures and graphics must have went down, out of business, or disappeared in the bermuda triangle of the internet. As such, there is no longer any color when visiting this blog and any posssible reader will only find black text on a white background. Upsetting that is...

So, I'm going to have to force myself and take some time to mess around with html again. The more difficult aspect will be creating new artwork for the banner since I lost most of my art and graphics from the move I made from one laptop to the other. So that's a real pain...

I guess I'll deal with that later...for nowzies, I should get some sleep so I can hit the gym tomorrow. I always feel more productive when I actually wake up early...which is something I haven't been doing much of as of late.

No more foolin around...

2009-04-02T06:02:00.003-06:00

Spring break was a bust. Nowhere near as productive as I had intended it to be. Essentially ended up back at home playing computer games all night. Finished Supreme Commander and a substantial portion of the GDI campaign in Command & Conquer 3. Can't speak highly enough about Supreme Commander as an RTS game. Spent a lot of time with the family. Missed out on a blizzard that overtook Boulder. Did get some anatomy studying in. Didn't get anything else done. Ended break with an all nighter at a videogame tournament that also cohosted an anime convention. First time seeing so many people cosplay in person. Weird. Played a lot of Street Fighter 4. My Chun Li's an amateur.

Watched The Wrestler. Loved it. Tragic protagonist. Macho sport. Marissa Tomei as a stripper. I'll have to pick it up on DVD when it comes out.

Just watched JCVD. Loved it. Jean Claude Van Damme's best acting film (not that that's saying anything.) A meta film. Incredibly intimate. Makes you wonder how much of the film is him acting and him being himself. Perhaps a bit of both. Perhaps that's why he's so amazing in the film.

Boa released an American English album. It's limited in terms of its availability but its apparently at some best buys and definitely on Amazon.com. It's the first Boa album I've listened to in a while and it's actually rather good. I think the music can compete with a lot of the other pop r&b stuff that other American artists put out, if only the exposure was there.

April is packed. Nate's coming to visit which is great but unfortunately he comes at an inopportune time. Means I'll be trying to divide my time between Boulder and Colorado Springs most likely. Last month of school. I've got three lab practicals. Three essays. Actually most of my classes don't have finals, so instead of all my final exams coming in May, everything instead falls during this month. I've got like four concerts I'm going to which I'm also excited for. I've got to figure out what I'm doing after college. Possibly find a place to live, otherwise I'm heading back to Colorado Springs to move back home, which I'm not excited for. If I can find a full time job or an internship I'd have more reason to stay but neither opportunities are present at the moment. And at the end of the month, there's talk of a kickboxing "smoker," so somewhere in all that mess I have to find time to train for my first amateur fight.

Most of the time I'm just tired. I'd rather be sleeping but I guess I don't have much of a choice. I have an incredibly busy month full of work and play. I should be more grateful. Either way, no more fooling around...

Spring Break Day 1 Saturday

2009-03-22T03:09:00.002-06:00

Slow start but that's okay, first day, it was nice to sleep in and enjoy catching up on sleep. Was woken up by a text message from the girl I met at the Cut Copy show, we played phone tag for a little bit then I got up and decided to clean up around the apartment. In the afternoon I finally decided to go and hit the gym, ran for about half an hour and then hit the bags for another hour, working on combinations ending with multiple kicks. Ran into Jarret on the way there, him on his way to play some campus golf. Stopped by Target afterwards, bought some milk and ceiling hooks. Also wanted to buy some fruit juice but decided against it. Ever since I had my blood tested for my Nutrition class and realized how high my blood glucose level is and that I might have diabetes or at the very least insulin resistance that will lead to diabetes, I've been on a health trip. So instead of fruit juice (which I can drink through so quickly) and bought some crystal light, yeah that zero calorie no sugar powered stuff you add to water to make it taste like juice. Actually the stuff isn't that bad. I bought grape, strawberry orange banana, and strawberry lemonade. Came home, finally put up my red paper lantern lights in my living room so I have these sweet red lighting now in my apartment. Watched Korea thump Venezuela in the Baseball Classics and then headed out to hang out w/ Jarret, Rich and Reggie. Saw Cindy, Brad, and Koppel at the Walrus for a brief bit of time. Cindy was trashed. So was Jarret. Came back and just hung out, watching Hamlet 2 (I'll have to rewatch it in its entirety later) and shooting the breeze. I must have just sat there and talked with Reggie for a good 30 minutes just talking. They're all going to Vegas which will be pretty crazy for them. Came home around 3 and mixed me a strawberry concoction and put on some Muppets Tonight to watch. Dennis Quad guest starring and Gonzo's doing a musical cover of Billy Idol's Dancing with Myself.

Tomorrow I need to get some writing done.

Spring Break

2009-03-21T12:19:00.002-06:00

Things I want to get done over the break:

clean up around the apartment
jog everyday, box every day
finish reading life of pi
Write another writing paper
Research and write my rough draft paper for Computational Cognitive Neuroscience
Study anatomy
Get diabetes checked out

Reflective Essay first draft

2009-02-09T00:08:00.002-07:00

So here's the first draft of my reflective essay I have to write for my upper division writing course. My AC adapter for my laptop died around the time I was getting to the conclusion so my paper's finally isn't very developed. Oh well, it's only a first draft so no big deal.

Shadow Boxing

William Chandler

For a moment, everything is still, as if a single instant had been perfectly plucked from the stream of time. In this moment, awareness of location, time, and even identity are empty and I am seduced by the silence.

Two dark shadows obscure my vision above my eyes, while two parallel columns dim my vision to the side. These foreign obstructions float too close to my face to make out yet seem familiar to me somehow. This vague framework boxes out my peripheral vision. There is only the space between that remains. During this moment, I am a meditating monk, entranced by the nothingness presented in front of me. Yet something nags at me, attempts to lure me and break my trance. There is a strange aura emanating from outside of my shelter, an intimidating pressure that heats the air around me and bears down on me. Despite its hostility I find myself anxiously awaiting its arrival. What could it be? It is still distant however and so the thought leaves me just as easily as it came.

The moment lasts only a breath. I hear my heart beat, feel my chest elevate and fall, experience the rush of air inspiring through my nostrils, and observe the space in front of me. There is a solace in the silence, a momentary respite. For this brief moment, I feel safe.

Thoomb!

My head trembles and my knees recoil to absorb the impact and just like that I am forcibly ripped from the moment and slammed back into reality. My senses return to me as well as my awareness of my current situation. I am boxing. My black boxing gloves are up in a heavy defensive guard like binoculars, my forearms and elbows tucked in, my chin sunken into my chest, my eyes peering through the bottom of my top eyelids, my back hunched forward, my knees slightly bent, my weight distributed over my back leg and my heels raised off the floor. Oh yeah, and there is a guy in front of me trying to knock my head off.

Thoomb! Thoomb! Thoomb!

Three more heavy hooks crash against my gloved fortress walls. The concussions shake my head and arms but I remain firm.

“Don’t get stuck! Use your feet!”

Dammit! I’m stuck! I gotta move! My coach’s voice only echoes what my mind already knows but for some reason my body fails to comprehend. Is it the fatigue? No, I’m not at my physical limit just yet. Is it the pain? No, I’m wearing headgear and gloves, and my body is pumping out adrenaline. My mind races. What the hell am I doing? Move damn it! Get out of there! Yet the pressure is too thick to move in. Gloved fists continue to rain down on me and I feel my guard weakening as punches begin to sneak past my padded sentries. Left? Right? My 16 oz. gloves feel enormous and cumbersome all of a sudden. With my peripheral vision sacrificed for protection, I stand feeling blind and vulnerable. Protection from what? I can’t see the punches coming at all. I can’t see anything! A hard uppercut connects underneath my rib cage. My arms lower reflexively from the jolt. A throbbing pain knots my stomach and I am forced to grit my teeth to keep myself from spitting out my mouth guard. Dammit! Hands up! Can’t reveal my chin! I raise my arms back up and resume my defense but a sense of futility overwhelms me. I am merely biding my time, praying the end will come, either in the form of the round buzzer or a sharp cross to the face. What the hell am I doing here!? I must be crazy! My mind panics, my body tenses and I feel my strength leave me with each blow. I don’t feel safe. There is no safety here. This was a mistake. I am powerless hiding behind these gloves. Behind these gloves, I am weak.

* * * *

I was a pretty quiet kid growing up. I was shy, clean cut, obedient, and bespeckled. Cursed with my father’s family’s horrendous eye sight, I wore large round eye glasses. My hair cut in a bowl with my bangs parted to one side. I looked like a Korean love child of Harry Potter and Kermit the frog, although I remember once an optimistic age when I walked around with perfect vision and a fashionable McGuyver hairstyle, short ponytail in the back and all. Somehow the addition of glasses transformed me from the super cool McGuyver to ordinary Clark Kent, without the cape and blue and red tights. Thus, my path became paved for me the day my vision left me.

I always admired the strong, tempered silence of my father and, whether consciously or unconsciously I do not know, followed in his footsteps in regards to demeanor. But I was first and foremost a “momma’s boy.” My mother always told me how she wanted a daughter, and had I been born without the Y sex chromosome I would be Samantha Chandler rather than William. This didn’t stop her from using me as an excuse to play dress up though and she continues to this day to try and influence my attire whenever she can. I was her only child and as such was greatly doted upon, as is the case with Korean mothers and only children. Yet being the only child in Asian cultures means carrying the heavy burden of expectations of the family name. Whether these expectations are real or implicit, they become ingrained in the children regardless of their parents’ intentions. It seems that in Asian families, parental love is something earned than freely given.

I remember a large indoor gymnasium. I believe that there was actually room for two basketball courts within this building but perhaps that is my memory exaggerating my small stature. I remember the orange hardwood floor looking especially shiny under yellow fluorescent lights. Standing off in the distance, occupying the court opposite of me were funny looking people all standing in neat lines and rows in uncomfortable looking wide stances wearing white pajamas. A man stood in the front mirroring this bed ready army. He would shout and a quick shift in his arms would follow. Then the funny pajama people would mimic the same movement and shout back. The yells resonated within the large auditorium till it reached my ears. My friend’s mother asked if I wanted to join them, my friend already out there in the mass of white pajamas looking completely awkward in his movements but earnest in his effort. I just stood quietly and observed through goggled eyes, clinging tightly to my mother’s arm.

There was one thing that motivated me out of my timid nature. It was not the incredible physique and the god like speed of Bruce Lee or the fast mouth and hands of Muhammad Ali. It was not the intricate and humorous choreography of Jackie Chan or the swaying power of Mike Tyson. I had never heard of the names Masato or Buakaw por Pramuk, or of Manny Pacquiao or Shane Mosely. I knew nothing of “Hitmen,” “Flying Dutchmen,” “Black Mambas,” or “Counts of Monte Fisto.” It was not the intriguing combination of philosophy and violence or the physical mixture of speed and power. I never knew my Korean uncle had learned Taekwondo and that my Korean grandfather was a 6^th degree black belt who had taught Taekwondo at one point. Though I would come to appreciate and learn of all of the prior they meant nothing to a diminutive six year old boy. Instead, what excited me were four green anthropomorphic reptilian heroes in half shells bestowed with what their cartoon’s theme song described as “turtle power.” With the encouragement of my ninja turtles’ action figures, I would throw on a green backpack and swing around plastic swords and daggers and fight off invisible ninjas. I would kick and punch wildly in unbridled passion at imaginary opponents and my mother would scream at me to stop unsettling dust. More than half a decade later, I am still kicking and punching, though now with more disciplined technique, at imaginary opponents and my mom is still yelling at me to stop disturbing dust.

I must have begged my mom a thousand times to let me learn Karate. It was too dangerous she would exclaim, in her eyes I was too fragile and delicate for anything rough and physical. When my mom finally yielded to my pleas to take lessons and I finally was presented the opportunity and invitation to join in, I did nothing to prove my mother wrong. All I could do was stand there, frozen in place, feeling small and insignificant. I felt oppressed by the atmosphere within that orange gymnasium. Self doubt overtook me. I was just a little Piglet, so tiny and meek. There’s no way I’m going out there! I can’t do that! I’d just embarrass myself. I felt like I wasn’t worthy enough to be there with those pajama wearing martial artists. Maybe if I came back in a few years after training in solitude on a mountain somewhere like every other legendary Karate warrior does then I might be worthy of standing in the back where I could do no harm bothering any one with my poor technique. But as it were then, I was just not good enough to be there. So I stood there with my iron grasp of my mother’s arm, burying my head in her sleeve like a scared turtle hiding in its shell.

Fifteen years later, ten years worth of martial arts training; now wearing contacts though still sporting a similar hairdo, it feels as if I’ve squandered my life. What have I been doing all these years? I ask myself behind my gloved guard. Pinned down by enemy fire, I can’t help but to recall that shy meager little boy, who could do nothing but to barricade himself in his concealed state of weakness. Nothing could be more frustrating.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

The electronic bell warns of the conclusion to the round. Only thirty seconds remain. My left leg is bruised and knotted after receiving numerous hard low kicks. Looks like I’ll be sore for a few days. My arms feel like rubber. The very act of holding my gloves up has become a difficult chore in itself. My jaw lazily hangs open in a useless attempt to suck in more air. I’m just asking to get my jaw broken. With time fleeting I know I have to make something out of this round. I rally my morale one last time. Thirty seconds! Gotta finish strong! Gotta move forward! Gotta attack!

However, the victory had long been decided, the doubt long planted in my mind and the damage already done. For try as I might, I cannot. Or maybe I can but have given up. Go! My mind screams but my body is deaf. Or perhaps my body is listening but my mind is mute. The psychological fatigue weighs heavier than any physical exhaustion. I’m too tired. It’s over. I’ve lost. Just let the clock run out and go home. What’s the point in fighting anymore?

“Are you just going to sleep your life away?”

I ignore my mother’s callous baiting. I don’t care to get into a shouting match with her today. I don’t care to do anything really. I just want to wallow in my own self pity and be miserable and withdraw completely from the world underneath this blanket. I want to be swallowed up by these bed sheets. I wish I could make the world outside just disappear and everything and everyone to just go away. Maybe I will. I hear carbon monoxide poisoning’s a rather painless way to go. I’d be sure to remember to bring a pillow.

I twist the key and pull down the mailbox’s door and grab its contents with one hand. Bills. Bills. Coupons. Wait a sec…There it was. The result of four years worth of studies, late nights full with essays and homework, interviews, recommendations, examinations, tests, and every other hurdle that could possibly be thrown at me. A simple piece of white paper folded neatly into three sections so that it could fit within the confines of a single 4 and 1/8” by 9 and 1/2” white letter envelope. It seemed unfathomable; how a person’s entire future fit neatly inside an envelope defied the very laws of nature and the universe alike. I greedily tear at the package from the side and pull out the letter that would dictate my destiny. I scan the typed lettering, taking note of official signs and emblems, it was even signed. I embrace myself and begin to read.

Out of the twenty six letters that make up the English language and the millions of words that exist within its vocabulary and the infinite number of possible combinations, never have five words hurt me so.

“I regret to inform you…”

My eyes dart frantically to take in the rest of the letter, desperately searching for some sign that a mistake had been made. Blah blah blah, thousands apply, only hundreds accepted. I read the letter over and over and over again, wishing somehow that the typed font on the page would somehow rearrange themselves or alter themselves in some pleasing way. It was not to be. Those first five words told me everything I needed to know from that cold and impersonal letter.

In my brief career as a kick boxer, I have shaken off kicks to the head, knees to the groin, my legs swept from under me, walked on blistered feet, had my neck snapped back by a stiff jab, my eye blackened by uppercuts, my brain rattled by hooks, and my cheeks puffed up by right crosses. “Boxers don’t feel pain quite the way we do,” as American author Joyce Carol Oates once proclaimed, “pain is something other than pain.” Psychological pain is a far more deleterious damage than any physical blow can deal. Despair is a dark demon of depression, a shadow, which buries itself in the heart and sinks its claws deep. This pain lingers, siphons away at the confidence and the courage essential to live. This depression manifests itself in the form of a broken heart, a failing academic grade, a poor athletic performance, and all other disappointments, gaining strength with each personal defeat. It is a pain that is visceral and real but unlike pain experienced on a daily basis. It is a pain that the spirit has only so much of a tolerance for before it is totally broken.

I throw my back wearily against the wall and sink to the matted floor. I have the round off. I take a moment to recollect my thoughts, feeling a drop of sweat fall from the tip of my nose and splatter on the ground. I try to catch my breath, knowing full well I would do better to stand up and elevate my arms overhead but I am too beaten to rise. I tear my gloves off and unhook the chin strap on my headgear in resignation. All I can think of is my inability. All I can see are my personal shortcomings: my lack of cardio, my lack of speed, my lack of strength, how I couldn’t block this kick or cover up and can’t see that punch. I am disgusted with my own pathetic existence. I feel defeated, not by the opponent in front of me but by the shadow residing in my own mind and heart, the demon of doubt, the voice that reminds me of those five words that stabbed my courage so long ago and their true meaning.

“I regret to inform you…” You just aren’t good enough.

“Don’t get stuck! Use your feet!”

I bury my head into my opponent’s chest, unloading a left hook to the liver. I recoil from the punch and dip to my left, loading up on my next strike. With all my strength I swing my arm upward, aiming for my opponent chin. He sways back and the uppercut slices through the air. He throws a right cross and long left hook as he steps back. I cover up. Swaying my upper body to avoid the blows the punches graze the top of my head, thudding on impact but doing no serious damage. I recover my composure and take in the new distance between us, the perilous bridge I have crossed countless times before and one I know I will have to cross once more to reach my destination yet again.

Boxing is an odd sport, one many find brutal and pointless. When asked why I do it, why I would volunteer myself for physical and mental abuse, why I would dedicate myself to a deliberate science dedicated to injury, I find myself grasping for words. I am unable and ineloquent at describing my passion because the very sport defies any logical explanation. It is barbaric and somewhat pointless. Joyce Carol Oates describes it best when she asserts that “the punishment – to the body, the brain, the spirit – a man must endure to become even a moderately good boxer is inconceivable to most of us whose idea of personal risk is largely ego-related or emotional.” Joyce Carol Oates would even go so far as to deny boxing as a sport because “there is nothing fundamentally playful about it; nothing that seems to belong to daylight, to pleasure.” It is a constant and inescapable cycle of suffering. The act of stepping into a vulnerable range, trading blows, and then stepping away, only to create a distance to be overcome once more so that the cycle may continue all over again. Training for fights is a battery of repetition, drilling techniques and hitting punching bags and mitts over and over till the techniques are ingrained into the muscles’ memory. Winning a fight means momentary celebration before returning to the gym to put in more work on the heavy bags and focus mitts once more in preparation for the next fight. The monotony of training is rarely fun, often difficult to get motivated for. Loosing a fight makes getting motivated to train again all that much harder.

So why fight? Why keep training? Why keep suffering? Why do I, as well as thousands, continue to punish themselves in dedication to a sport that seems intent on breaking its participants. I often wonder how many fighters have been broken along the way…

More importantly, how? How do you get up after your courage has been dragged through the bedrocks of dejection till your heart is a color of dolor and beats despondently? Where do you find the strength?

I step forward. The jab greets me but I evade it with a quick slip to the right. Another jab follows, I parry it with my glove. Jab, cross. Slip to the right, weave to the left, I avoid the combination. I fire back with my own. Jab jab! I step back to avoid the possible counter. I circle to my right, keeping my head rhythmically swaying. The jab comes. I slip to the outside. My opponents shin crashes down on my left quadriceps muscle. Check the kicks! I fire back with my own combination: right cross, left hook. My opponent covers up and steps to the side at an angle and fires a right uppercut under my ribs before stepping away. Dammit! Stuck again! I step back and take a moment to ward off my frustration.

I step forward again. Another jab. I slip to my right again. The jab comes once more. This time I step forward with my slip, grazing my cheek along the path of the punch and forcing my way inside. I’m in! I deliver a right cross over the top followed by a left hook. The punches land on the gloves of my opponents guard. He steps back to avoid the onslaught. I’m not finished yet! I step in hard and whip my leg into his body, the shin slamming into his ribcage. My opponent reels. The gloves lower.

And there it was! An opening! Like a glorious glimpse of some heavenly promised land, there stood the exposed cheek of my opponent. Time stood still once more. There was no more fatigue, no more self doubt, no more weakness or suffering. These empty feelings left me as I stood in observance of what was not just an opening but a window into enlightenment.

My head shook violently. A chopping right cross spun my head forcefully and the opening was gone, the moment dissipating. I stagger back and regain my composure. I bring my gloves up to arms once more.

Truthfully, I don’t know. I have no idea how a fighter gets up in the 8^th and 10^th round after being cut and knocked down to the canvas. Nor do I really even understand how I turned away from my suicidal depression. There was no training montage I undertook accompanied by cheesy inspirational 80’s music that pulled me through. I’m not even quite sure exactly what I seek to gain from boxing at all or if what I seek is something attainable at all. Strength is as impermanent as weakness. I can only imagine that the boxer continues to fight despite being knocked down because he’s searching for something. Although he may be bruised, beaten, and exhausted both physically and mentally, he knows that these empty feelings will pass. He may not believe it in the presence of the discouraging and defeated mind but he knows it, somehow deep down that there is still that chance to find that brief moment where he can shine and burn as brightly as he can. That brief moment that signifies the culmination of all his training, all his suffering, the moment that symbolizes his totality of being. Perhaps, it is the will to continue, to search for that moment in the face of suffering, the true meaning of courage.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

I remove my mouthguard. I stand up, throw my arms in the air above my head and pace around a little to try and catch my breath. I concentrate on my breathing. “You want to call it a day?” my coach asks. I look at my coach and then my sparring partner. His eyes meet mine full with determination. I match his fierce eyes with my own. I insert my mouthguard back into my maw and answer my coach’s question.

“One more round.”

Fight Study: Badr Hari

2009-02-07T02:35:00.003-07:00

New post series to go along with my training reflections. Gonna study and write down my analysis of fights and fighters, to see what good fighters do. Tonight I'll review a few of K1 kickboxer, Badr Hari's bouts. When possible I'll link the fights since you can find a lot of fights on youtube these days.

Badr Hari vs Alexey Ignashov

He counters punches with kicks. When he blocks punches in the heavy guard or punches to get inside, he steps forward and transitions quickly to a clinch and knee. Hari's also always circling, just walking steps to his right. Following up the lead leg teep with hands, I should do this next time. I often will throw a teep that's just short of my opponent, so step down with the leg and follow through with either another kick or a right cross left hook combo. Wow, Ignashov wins the fight with a counter right cross to the body. I don't think I've ever seen a knee be countered like that before. Hari threw the knee from too far away without setting it up. So this is the potential danger of attacking with a naked knee from mid to long range. So throw the knee only to counter punches or if you're in close range or after setting it up and getting your opponent blocking

Badr Hari vs Aziz Khattou

Badr and good fighters are always moving, they're always walking in their stance. They never stay stationary at all. Badr just walks down Aziz and imposes his knees on Aziz the entire fight. Aziz needed to pump his jab or keep Hari away with teeps, he needed to throw something instead of just backing up or letting Hari walk into him. I need to not be like Aziz and stand my ground or side step, or throw a kick, or a teep or pump the jab. Don't let the opponent just walk in, make them think otherwise. If they just walk in on you they don't fear you or respect you, make them respect you.

Badr Hari vs Domagoj

Wow, blink and you miss it. Uhm...Who throws a left hook after a left leg kick? Seems like an unnatural combination. Domagoj's only fault is that he throws his hook a little wide letting Hari counter him with a left straight. Yeah, Hari knocked him out with a left straight. Granted it looks like Hari is actually dazed by Domagoj's hook, Hari kept his hands a little low but it's mostly that he turned his face into the punch rather than didn't protect himself. Next?

Badr Hari vs Doug Hinney

Hari loves to counter punches with kicks. I should get into this habit. Vinney throws a nice combo I could use, lead low kick right hook to the body left hook to the head. Then Vinney proceeds to get knocked out. He dropped his hands when throwing the leg kick. Badr anticipates the kicks and steps forward and throws a chopping right.

Badr Hari vs Errol Zimmerman

Hari throws a 1, 2 body that I've used before as well. It's a great combination but I gotta figure out something to continue it with. A left hook or uppercut would feel natural but considering the cross is pretty extended when it connects I'd have to leap forward with the hook or uppercut. A round kick from either leg would work though. Oddly enough, it feels like the right round following the cross feels better. I'll have to test it some more. Lol, Kimbo slice commentating, wow, that's incredibly random. Hari throws a nice cross hook then side steps. This is the type of footwork I need to pull off with my boxing combinations. Zimmerman throws a sick jumping round kick, misses but it looks cool. Wow, right crosses exploding! Zimmerman floors Badr with a short hook overhand right. Looks like Badr tried to slip the hook and counter back with a right uppercut, only thing is that Badr gets lazy and drops his hands when he slipped, taking the overhand right completely on the chin. Then Badr and Zimmerman trade right crosses. Both fighters have their hands down, Hari was just more accurate with the cross than Zimmerman the second time around. Hari sways back to avoid a high kick and sweeps the standing leg of Zimmerman. Hari's got a good stiff jab that's keeping Zimmerman at bay. But he doesn't rest on his jab, he jabs, then moves around to reposition himself in the ring. That was interesting, Hari blows Zimmerman's guard away with a right teep to the head. I'll have to try that if my opponent covers up. Right teep to the face, left round to the head. Zimmerman needs to attack from angles more, he's just walking straight in with no effort in moving his head. Slip in and work the body or try to bait the jab and come over with a right. Or cover up and step in hard and fast to clinch and throw a knee. Zimmerman's just walking in and stalking Hari, which would work on an opponent who backs up but Hari's not intimidated and throws when Zimmerman walks in. Hari's lazy hands when he throws punches bothers me. Zimmerman's hooks are too wide, the straight beats the wide hook and Badr gets the KO.

Conclusions: Hari's got some lazy hands when he throws punches. He counters boxing with kicks well though. He circles and walks in his stance, rarely standing still. When he has his heavy guard up he transitions quickly to a clinch and knees. Hari keeps opponents at bay with stiff jabs and right roundhouse kicks and then moves away.

Acute shortness of breath

2009-02-05T16:51:00.003-07:00

She wore an orange shirt today and that ornate earing I remember her wearing the first day I had met her. She looked pretty. As we passed by she stuck her tongue out at me in a goofy way that made me laugh. I walked with her a little bit after the exam and asked her plans for the night. I decided to take a shot and without thinking sat down, maybe instinctively steadying myself for any possible disappointment that might be coming my way. I asked her if she'd like to get some dinner sometime. She told me she had a boyfriend. She quickly followed it up with a genuine interest in hanging out but by that time it felt like the wind in my sails had already dissipated. I told her that'd be cool, that it was no big deal, I don't think I did a very convincing job, and we said we'd see each other next tuesday and we went our separate ways.

Usually when I get rejected by a girl I get incredibly depressed for weeks on end. I'm at a point in my life where I'm either so used to the rejection or that I've come to understand that failure isn't the end of the world. That I should feel disappointed but not cling onto the emotion and suffer because of it. I've been listening to a lot of Buddhist lectures lately and I think that has helped me.

Yet I can't help but feel a little bummed out. Which has me thinking how weird that is. Logically I'm no worse off than I was before. I suppose I did make a fool of myself but I do that all the time. I've been lonely for a good majority of my life when it comes to a female love interest so you'd think that the human heart would become accustomed to it.

But you still feel somewhat vulnerable opening yourself up like that, getting your hopes up somewhat and let down even if it is a gentle fall.

I guess it's important to know that I'm not invulnerable and that I'm human and that I have feelings and that cute girls in orange still make me nervous. Oh well, let it go and move on like the inspiration and expiration of a breath.

Training: Sparring Reflection 1/31/09

2009-01-31T15:34:00.004-07:00

Another Saturday another sparring session. 3rd time sparring. Still the smallest guy there but I have to stop griping about it and just get used to it.

Work the body then the head

I'm getting better at slipping the punch and getting inside. I was getting in on some punches and was able to get inside to land a few body punches. Now I need to work on landing a few punches to the body and then throw up top. Hooks to the body then uppercut to the head, or overhand to the head. Work the body then when I have their attention downstairs and their guard lowered, go high and kill the head.

Don't get stuck on the inside

This is still my biggest problem. If I get in, I need to move into a clinch, or step off to the side. Or if they get in and catch me covering up, I need to move. I can't just stand there and let them hit me like a sand bag. I'm trying to move my head which is fine but if I'm covered up and can't see the punches coming then it's worthless because I don't know what I'm trying to counter. I need to move to the side and fire back from an angle.

Stop covering up

A heavy guard is fine but I cover up way too much. I need to catch more jabs and cover up on just one side if I need to. Don't just throw up both hands whenever any combination comes at me because then I can't see and I get stuck.

Block that low kick

Ate way to many low kicks. At the very least if I eat one, throw a cross back. Make them pay for the kick. I try to evade the kick too often and they chase me down and nail me, so block that low kick more.

Don't forget about the hands

My boxing looked better today when we did just boxing. However, when we sparred with hands and kicks, I was overthinking the kicks and forgetting about the punches. I was settling into boxing range perfectly but was too focused on kicks. When I did throw a punch or two, I was landing them, I needed to throw them more.

Stop over thinking

Stop over thinking. Yes my opponent is taller but I can't let that bother me. I'm letting my mind conquer me. I'm too intimidated, too pressured, and that's sapping my cardio. Stay relaxed. Don't give up ground so easily. Fight like your back is against the wall. Let the combinations flow naturally. My body knows what to do. I just have to have the courage to get over such self doubt.

Training: Sparring Reflection

2009-01-24T15:23:00.003-07:00

Didn't have to work last night so I drove down to Denver to do some sparring for kickboxing. (my second time) Pretty poor performance on my part considering. There's still a large disconnect between training on pads and sparring. My thoughts:

Boxing a taller boxer

Boxing Travis is always difficult because he's got a great jab and about five inches on me in arm length. So he beats me to the jab by out reaching me. I did a decent job of slipping his jab on the outside but I need to work more on transitioning from a slip on the outside to a slip to move inside. Either slip outside and throw a left straight while slipping, or slip and throw a jab to the body. I can try and cut off his jab with a parry but I need to step in hard for that since he likes to fake the jab and throw a hook around the parry hand (so move forward to catch the jab and not just move the arm forward to parry the jab). Still, I think I should stick to slipping to move inside.

Distance

Again, I'm a shorter fighter than most of the guys I spar with so distance is everything. I need to work on overcoming the distance a lot more. I'm pretty good with leg kicks, I need to utilize them more when I'm on the outside but also, I need to use them and follow them up with punches, use the kick to move inside. I tend to be a counter fighter, I wait for an attack to come and react, if I'm going to do that, I need to slip and move inside and follow with punches to the body. Or I need to dash in with a weaving motion to close the distance fast enough and cut through any punches that might come. I was getting countered with kicks a lot when I tried to work my way in with a jab today. I need to stop throwing useless jabs from far away, it leaves me open too much and telegraphs my attempt to move in. Work off angles more. Move to the side and then move in so I'm catching an opponent from an angle. I move straight in and out too much. Move in from an angle and throw jabs more when I'm going to actually connect with a jab. Or Walk in with a heavy guard and step in for those knees. I'm staying stuck when I throw punching combinations. Move with those punches so I can stick to an opponent. Or if I sense them moving out, throw a kick but don't wait till they're out of range to throw. Throw it when they're moving away and I should catch them regardless.

Lateral movement

To reiterate, move in from angles. Get in the habit of taking a step sideways when standing still. Walk around a little more. Move out when I've thrown a combination. I do it when I train with pads, now don't get lazy when sparring.

Kick more

I can almost go a whole 3 minute round just throwing kicks at a pad so I should be throwing 500 more kicks in sparring than I really am. Work the leg kick. A lot of people have trouble blocking it. Keep working it if it works. Don't get inpatient with it. It's like body punching, it's money invested in a bank. Work the leg kick. Work in double kicks. Counter punches with kicks. If they come in let them meet a hard kick that'll make them reconsider. Teep to the face, they rarely expect it. Follow up a teep with a kick. Just kick more. It's also gonna help equalize the distance with taller opponents.

Don't get stuck on the inside

When an opponent gets in on me or I get in on them and we're locked in close range and I cover up, I need to weave when guarding, step out, or stick those arms out and throw some knees. Just don't stand there like a damn heavy bag and absorb punches. Throw back, I'm not afraid of getting hit, I'm just being lazy. Work.

Step back firing

Ideally, I'd like to move laterally more. This is a bad habit of mine from Taekwondo. When an opponent creeps in with small steps, I step back to maintain the distance. Just throw a damn kick. Or a cross hook. Or if I'm going to step back (maybe if they step in deep) step back firing. Cross hook leg kick.

Courage!

I'm a good fighter. Believe it more! Act confident. Relax and be comfortable. This is probably just going to take time but I need to get out of my head when I fight. Don't overthink what he might do next. Relax and stay loose and react. Better yet, be more offensive, be more aggressive, press the action more. The tendency of the counter fighter is to feel like the opponent is pushing the pace and the action. Take control of the fight. I am better than I let on, fire more, work harder, don't fear the shadow of my opponent. Don't be intimidated. Don't stand there and stare at my opponent, move around, nag him with leg kicks. It's almost like I'm too technical for my own good, that I freeze up when it's not controlled like it is with pad work. Rough it out more. Take Duane's advice and get some! Courage!

Well, as evident, there's a lot I have to work on. I am frustrated but the good thing is that where as before I might be frustrated and disheartened, I'm eager to get back in there and work harder and get better and overcome that frustration. I'm eager to keep fighting and that's exactly the mentality I want to have, the road I want to be on as a fighter.

Demons

2008-12-09T06:48:00.005-07:00

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, demons that come in the shape and form of major depression, insecurity, frustration, my hypercriticalness, lack of self confidence, lack of self appreciation, lack of appreciation, selfishness, loneliness, self isolation, bitterness, sleep deprivation, dependency, and desperation.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, demons that torment me, crush me, throw me down, keep me down, and kick me while I'm down, burns me, beats me, cuts me and consumes me.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul, that have ruined my smile, my health, my fight, my strength, my career, my academics, my confidence, my ambition, my courage, my relationships, my old friendships, my new friendships, my identity, and nearly my life.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul that I refuse to admit exist and try to ignore with medications, pills, sleep, humor, exercise, scotch, porn, tv, videogames, music, concerts, haircuts, isolation, absence, and false courageous words.

I have demons living inside my heart and soul that I have struggled to live with and can no longer allow to go on with free reign. I have come to arms to do battle on so many occasions only to fall back into step and relapse. I have watched it wreck my life, my relationships and spoil my happiness and I have tried to fight it but I seem to be only putting up a pretense of a defense in attempts to deny my own weakness and defeat. I can't let this continue, I need to find real courage and strength once more and live my life again and if that means I have to get help then I need to do that, if that means I have to make a list of everything I hate and want to see change and actually make those changes happen then that's what I need to do. If it means I have to take a pill everyday and see a professional every week or so then that's what I need to do. If it means I have to stop, step back, and reconsider who I am and what I'm doing here then that's what I need to do. If it means forgiving myself for mistakes and guilts and imperfections and coming to terms with my flaws but not letting them dominate me like they do now then that's what I have to do. If it means not waiting for someone to save me but saving myself though not by myself then that's what I need to do.

If I'm going to do battle with these demons and win then I have to believe in myself that I have such a courage to change; I can't rely on someone else for that courage, I have to be the change and I have to believe in myself before others are going to believe in me. The courage has to come from within me. It has to start from within me.

Thanks...

2008-11-27T22:54:00.005-07:00

I'm thankful for my friends...My best friend who's about to ship out to Iraq in a month or so. My best friend who wants nothing to do with me anymore. My best friend who's in love with an obsessively dependent convict who lives halfway across the country. I'm thankful for my friends who keep me at bay, never return my phone calls and never invite me until last minute. I'm thankful for my friends who put up with my bitching and whining and the friends who tried but couldn't take anymore. I'm thankful for my friends who just want to be acquaintances or who never seem to have time for me, which I can't blame but continue to place me on the shelf to collect dust rather than throw me out because they are to polite for their own good. I'm thankful that girls I meet only want to be just friends or have nothing to do with me at all.

I'm thankful for my social ineptitude, my awkwardness, and my lack of self confidence. I'm thankful for my obnoxiousness and my I'm thankful that I don't even know who I am and for friends who's best piece of advice is to just "be yourself." I'm thankful for feeling small, ignored and overlooked, like I'm a part of the background. I'm thankful for my repressed anger, bitterness, self loathing pity.

I'm thankful for a home, which I can always return to due to proximity despite the fact that there's nothing to do and no one to hang around with. I'm thankful that my room's always here waiting for me and even seems to have a reservation for me at the end of the school year that I'm not too excited for. I'm thankful for a home to wear out my welcome with.

I'm thankful for my parents, who are always supportive and try their best despite missing their mark with birthday presents. I'm thankful for my dad who will do anything to facilitate me and help me out in any way possible despite the fact that I don't tell him anything that's going on with my life because I don't tell anyone what's going on with me because that's who I am and thus has no idea how to help me, what I'm into, and what I really want. I'm thankful for my mom despite the fact that her hypercritical nature has probably ruined me for a good portion of my life and always reminds me why I hate staying too long at home. She has the best intentions and for that I'm thankful for though.

I'm thankful for my health despite the fact that I've been suffering from an allergic skin reaction that has resulted in itchy welts forming and spreading on my legs, back and abdomin almost every day. I'm thankful for seemingly always feeling tired. I'm thankful that I feel myself getting sick again with a respiratory flu. I'm thankful for this depression that breaks me down mentally and keeps me from functioning on a daily basis.

I'm thankful for kickboxing and exercise, activities that I have a passion for and provide me with a sense of happiness and euphoria that I rarely feel but as of late haven't had time to do due to work, school, and sickness.

I'm thankful for work, that's physical, pays well, and full of wonderful and entertaining people to call coworkers or teammembers as target insists, despite the fact that the hours leave me exhausted the morning after.

I'm thankful for my education and school, that will keep me in chains of debt years after I've probably lost all recollection of any material I've learned, for professors who are god awfully boring in their presentation of the material and make learning an absolute chore. I'm thankful for a poor gpa and having to struggle through every physiology class I've taken, while sleeping through every other subject. I'm thankful for paying for classes that genuinely make me want to stay home and sleep in as a more productive alternative. I'm thankful for graduating just so I can continue working at a Target, with no prospects, no ambition, likely back in my parents home all over again.

I'm thankful that four years have gone by so quickly that I'm realizing what a terrible waste I've made of the time.

I'm thankful for being so jaded and tired and numb that all I can seemingly see anymore is the bad, the negative, and I'm letting it all out because I'm thankful that I just don't care anymore.

November 25th

2008-11-25T21:23:00.004-07:00

So yeah, it's my birthday. I want to thank everybody who wished me a happy birthday and a great day and everything. I appreciate it, I do really.

Though to be honest, I'm just not really in the celebratory mood. Having a birthday that falls around Thanksgiving means that there's never any of my friends to celebrate with. Can't celebrate before thanksgiving break because everybody's busy with projects and midterms, can't celebrate during because everybody's gone home for the holiday, can't celebrate after because finals are coming up that or most people just don't realize I even had a birthday over the break. My parents try to encourage me to enjoy it and celebrate it with friends and try to throw a party but to me, birthdays are always kind of lonely.

Today was really not all that different. My parents came up to visit and we had lunch, that was nice. The only other celebratory thing I did was drink by myself the night before, not that I didn't try to get a hold of some people...but in the end I only had Johnny Walker to keep me company and he's a poor audience.

And now, I'm heading off to work. Yeah, I'm going to work on my birthday. Not that it really matters, the truth is, I kind of expected this. Today is just like any other day...

To me, today's just another Tuesday...just with more cake.

Regular hours

2008-10-23T03:38:00.003-06:00

I'm starting to miss them. The problem with irregular hours is that you really have to shift your schedule around and stick to it. I'm not doing that. I'm going to school in the morning to the afternoon, kickboxing in the afternoon, work at night, I'm taking naps and getting sleep in whenever I can a few hours at a time and then I'm left awake in the middle of the night...like now.

Just finished watching the Bernard Hopkins and Kelly Pavlik fight. I like both fighters but it was a surprising fight. There will probably be excuses, Pavlik's elbow wasn't all that great, Pavlik over trained, Pavlik wasn't used to moving up a weight class to figh Bhop, regardless of all that Pavlik didn't look like himself that night, didn't throw his championship winning jabs and just didn't look like he was there to fight. Bernard Hopkins however was masterful in the ring and looked like he was fighting in his prime. The Executioner was fighting backwards the entire time but he would slip or step back then step forward with the counters. Cross hook, jab cross uppercut. His footwork was a lesson in boxing that I was definitely taking notes on. Slip on the fringe of the punch, if caught on the inside duck and move away. Push off with the back foot moving forward to answer with three quick shots then move out. It's everything I've been trying to learn and perfect in kickboxing and it was demonstrated to perfection in that fight.

Probably should get some studying in, something productive while I'm up, I have an exam coming up next week and I've been remiss in attending class due to my recent comatose state over the past week.

Existentialism in front of a computer monitor

2008-10-20T14:40:00.003-06:00

We've been dabbling with psychoanalytic therapies in my critical thinking psychology class. We're going over existentialism, it's technically the first time I've actually dealt with the subject material formally. To my surprise I find a lot of existentialism makes sense to me and it really seems to click for me. I'm highly intrigued and I'm interested in reading some more on the subject material. I think it's philosophical proximity to Buddhism is certainly a factor for my interest and understanding.

Anyway we have to write journal entries for the class reflecting on our lives in association with material we discuss in class. I usually write mine up an hour before class, assuming I feel like writing and don't have a bout of writer's block. Anyway I enjoyed the subject enough that I figured I'd post up my musings on the subject. Enjoy.

Will Chandler
Psych Crit Thinking Self Help, Therapy
Journal Oct 20/08

Existentialism makes sense to me and I find myself intrigued and drawn to the theory. It seems like the concept is depressing at first glance, when you hear phrases like “god is dead,” “humans are essentially alone in the world,” and that “death is inevitable” you don’t exactly think of rainbows and lollypops and unicorns. There is a cognitive understanding of how existentialism works. You realize these noble truths and from such epiphanies come anxiety, coping and coming to term with such anxiety is then a freeing end game where you become responsible for your own actions and the freedom experience by living in the moment. Yet it feels like to truly experience and understand it and to live purposely seems like an entirely different and difficult beast. It’s one thing to intellectualize the concept but to internalize it.
Are there extremes to existentialism? If existentialism draws the conclusion that death is inevitable would there not be different interpretations of what to make about such a conclusion. Nietche is often attributed for starting the nihilistic movement, if death is inevitable would it be reasonable then to conclude that everything is meaningless and become overwhelmingly apathetic or depressed from such a conclusion? Or what about the other extreme, could you become incredibly hedonistic, to the point where responsibilities and burden are insignificant and trivial. Is there a correct way to existentialism and a wrong way? Certainly one would assume so and that extremes are rarely ever good in any situation. If everything is meaningless it is thus our responsibility to find meaning. Yet, how is that possible if everything’s meaningless? I feel like I could talk in circles for days about existentialism and not do anything productive other than muse or brood depending on the extreme. Though I suppose that would defeat the purpose of existentialism altogether wouldn’t it?.
I’ve always been taught that anything is possible if you put in the work and effort. It absolutely bugs me to believe that things aren’t in my control and that I can’t determine the outcome, to me I can always do better, work harder, try harder, there is no perfect outcome I’m comfortable with. So when I fail or falter I’m pretty shattered by the outcome. I isolate and I’ve always considered such isolations a replacement for suicide or death since I usually spend my isolation entombed in my coffin of a bed “sleeping away my life.” That’s what my mother would say, or yell rather to be more precise. I apologize way too much. I feel responsible for everything and in a way, one that I’ve never thought of before, that’s quite narcissistic and egotistical of me. I cling onto people, I’m a very dependent personality type, I’m always following people around, following friends around, I’m the straight guy to the comedian. I don’t mind it, I like it, I know why I like it, it makes me feel like I’m meaningful to these people and that gives me meaning. Yet an existentialist would say that’s incorrect. That such meaning is false. A Buddhist would argue that such attachment will only lead to suffering. I need to be able to find meaning and purpose in myself, I shouldn’t prop myself with other people as crutches for my ego. Of course, this brings me back to my earlier statement, easier said than done. Thus my depression and anxiety comes from my fear that I can’t find meaning in myself and that I can’t cope being alone.
One thing that bothers me about existentialism is the idea that there are no psychological disorders. Existentialism makes sense to me but I don’t believe in the idea that you can just be happy by just being happy. (Yes I just realized that I’ve gone over the 2 page limit but I don’t care, I feel I need to write about this) Certainly I think there’s a great deal that mentality, especially a positive mentality can go a long way. I’ve heard of therapy techniques from India or somewhere where people wake up and they sit in a big group and instead of doing yoga they just laugh. Laugh for the heck of it and it apparently reduces stress and such. I think though that there is a ceiling to how much a don’t worry be happy mentality can achieve, I feel like biological factors are not considered at all by existentialism. The reason I started using antidepressants was because I was perfectly healthy physically, I was doing well socially, academically and what not and yet I was still unhappy when I had no logical reason to be. Perhaps the existentialist would argue that there was an another underlying problem that was causing my unhappiness and anxiety. So pop some pills and for whatever reason I feel like I can cope and I feel better. I stop taking pills and I experience light headedness and relapse of my old symptoms of depression ( sleep induced isolation). I think biological factors are real. Or maybe not and maybe the concept of believing I have a chemical imbalance and swallowing a pill in itself was some psychological placebo effect that truly affected my outcome. Maybe the intuitive nature I possess can’t let go of the scientific boundaries and borders and structures and are in conflict with my existentialistic rebirth.

Laugh my way through hurricanes and fires

2008-09-11T11:09:00.002-06:00

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my busiest days, in that I have three classes (the most I have on one day) and then usually work later that night. Three classes aren't that bad, it's my senior year so my credit load is actually quite light considering my usual 16 or 18 credit semester. It's only that my day starts at 8 in the morning and then I work nights so it's a long day. The morning wouldn't be so bad if my 8 o clock class (US Race and Ethnics) wasn't such a bore. The subject material sounded like something I'd be interested in but the professor delivery of the lectures is nothing short of jejune.

Oh well, after classes today I'll be heading to Fort Collins to go see Cloud Cult live at the Aggie Theater and probably hang out/drink w/ Kristina, Tai, and the gang. Even Spencer's coming up to Foco to see the concert with me. It's gonna be awesome. Shame Nate's in Germany, he'd of loved to seen them live. I'll be sure to get him a shirt though.

My friend Alex walked into Exercise Phys with the sickest t shirt today. It was this white t shirt with a chinese lion illustrated on the side, which is just the sort of art style I want a tattoo of. So now I'm trying to find some T&C Surf t shirts with the same or similar design.

I was rear ended two weeks ago. Yeah, it sucked as much as it sounds. It happened on 28th and Arapahoe, in the left turn lane. I rolled up to the line when the light turned yellow and stopped, only to be jolted a moment later by the suv behind me rolling into me. The impact whiplashed me slightly and I had a headache in the back of my head for the rest of the day, which only resurfaced yesterday at kickboxing so I may need to get it checked out. Other than that, no one was hurt, the guy was a real gentleman and exchanged information with me and filed a claim with his insurance and I'm in the process of getting repairs squared away. Oh well.

I finally got fed up with my air mattress, so I bought a new one. It was a nice one too, queen sized, double high. I slept on it for about a week before my mom decided (for me) that an air mattress wasn't good enough and that she wanted to buy me a bed for my apartment. So now I have this full size bed dead center in my bedroom, taking up most of the room's capacity. I wasn't too keen on the lack of space it left me at first but it is a comfortable bed with lots of drawers and space under neath it and what not. Thanks mom!

How does a blind person know when to cross the street?

I've had the strangest desire to go karaoking lately, dancing too. Hmmm, well at least Rockband 2 comes out this weekend, so I can get my karaoke on hopefully soon.

Okay, last class of the day, anatomy lab, which is probably the class I enjoy the most. So gotta wrap this up and get going. Who's got two thumbs and is going to see Cloud Cult tonight?

This guy!

The early bird needs a nap

2008-08-27T07:17:00.003-06:00

As usual, my circadian rhythm is all out of whack. I yawn as I type this and yet none of my attempts at napping so far have yielded successful sleep. My sleep schedule as of now is pretty much I sleep when I'm physically tired enough that I fall asleep, not the healthiest of routines. I'd like to think my night work schedule isn't at fault but I'm suspect that it's a likely culpurit. Granted, I did work 40 hours last week, seeing how it was back to school week and Target's peak in terms of sales. Oh the joy of living in a college town.

It surely doesn't help that I'm in dire need of a new air mattress as the one I currently sleep on has lost all ability to retain air in it and has accrued the nasty habit of deflating overnight. Literally overnight the act of sleeping turns to sinking.

So, some random thoughts while I wait to drop dead from exhaustion.

Strawberry Soda for some reason just isn't that tasty. Everyone knows I have a love affair with any and all edible foods that are strawberry flavored or what not. Yet for some reason, the deliciousness of strawberries do not transfer when placed in liquid form. It is puzzling and yet for whatever reason I've had less than stellar impressions of strawberry teas and strawberry soda. Yet this is not the case with other fruits such as oranges and grape. Oh no, those flavors are a whole different ball game. Then again, when combined with bananas or kiwi, liquid strawberry flavoring seems to work. Truly one of life's great mysteries...

For someone who's as dexterous and agile as I am, I sure have difficulty drinking and walking at the same time.

It's crazy how many of my friends I've ran into during the first two days of school. It's a nice feeling that reminds me that I'm not so lonely as I make myself out to be at times.

I don't know why but Kaye isn't answering her phone, I'm worried if she's alright. That and I just want to talk to her in general. She owes me a vacation after all.

I am addicted to Facebook. It's somewhat sad really how much time I've spent on it recently. I'm not sure what's more depressing about it, the time I spend waiting for some action from my friends or the time I spend playing all the silly facebook games that I've become addicted to in recent weeks. But man, building up my own wrestler and superhero is like crack for me for some reason.

Cloud Cult is coming to Colorado. A band that Nate got me hooked on. Quite awesome, kind of Postal Service-y in terms of sound I guess? They're playing a show in Fort Collins in like two weeks, which is a lot sooner than I was thinking it'd be. I intend to go of course, shame Nate's in Germany, he'd of loved to have seen them live. I know Spencer's trying to go but I'm not sure how he'll be able to pull that off since it's on a Thursday night and he likely has school the following Friday. I wonder who else would like to go, not too many of my friends know of them but considering tickets are only like 8 dollars it'd be a cool gig to see none the less. Maybe I could get that cute neighbor of Kristina's to come w/ me. Hmmm....

My eyes hurt...I wish sleep was optional.

Finally bit the bullet and got internet and cable hooked up in my apartment. The good news means that I don't have to rely on hijacking the weak wireless signals of my neighbors any more. The bad news is that I pay for it now and that my computer's harddrive space has been completely depleted with porn, videogames, movies, and music...but mostly porn.

Downloaded some Batman comics, spurred on by the Dark Knight. Just finished Batman Nine Lives, an elseworlds comic (which is DC's fancy way of saying reimagination or alternate universe or noncanon) that transports Batman and his rogues gallery and reinterprets them in a noir genre to amazing effect actually. Good read.

Lastest VGCats comic is hilarious (even if it's technically a guest comic). "I showed her my metal gear. It is solid." Classic.

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is just about the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Vending machines refuse to give you back your two dollars, especially when they're sold out of the strawberry kiwi minute maid you originally wanted and have to settle for lipton's diet green tea, which in itself wasn't too bad.

I'm tired.

Xenophobic Ignorance

2008-01-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning, had to pick up my dad from a 7/11. The car had broken down while he was out getting his Sunday paper. Freak technical malfunction with the car's alarm system. As I'm sitting in my car watching the car get towed, an old gentleman who walked out of the store approached my dad and thought exchanged a few words with my dad, seemed like he was making a joke or something. When we got back, Dad mentioned the dialogue in an irritated tone. Apparently, this guy had made some smart ass remark along the lines of "That's what you get for buying a foreign car" in reference to my family Toyota Camry being towed away.

I don't know what this guy's history is or where the source or generation his discriminatory attitude came from, and I assume he meant no intended insult and was just trying (failing) to be humorous. None the less, I felt really incensed when I heard this. I almost blurted out what I was thinking right in front of my parents (which was along the lines of "what racist bullsh...") and I was downright offended. It's odd, I take pride in my heritage but usually I don't get angered by stuff like that (I'm not quick to anger at all), I'm not overly sensitive about political correctness, yet I feel like if I had been outside and standing alongside my dad at the time and had overheard this, I might have chewed this geezer out. Honestly, I can't see any situation where making such an ignorant statement to a stranger is in good taste.

(I know I haven't had a proper post for the last couple of months, I'll try and ameliorate that soon enough, and this is certainly not a positive way to start of a new year of posting, I just felt really compelled to write about this.)

Morning Air

2007-09-19T05:40:00.000-06:00

So after a night of carousing with Elliott and Cat and Hayden, which involved a Strawberry Cheesecake spoonbender at Good Times and a late night Circuit City run, I was feeling pretty tired (from the previous night's lack of sleep). So when I got back home, I essentially crashed, while originally hoping it'd be a quick 3 hour respite at best, I ended up waking some 7 hours later or so around 4 in the morning. So I figured I'd get up, finish some studying and homework and do something I've been meaning to do and get into the habit of for the longest time. Go for a brisk morning jog!

So I threw on my hoodie, clipped on my Ipod shuffle, and pressed play queuing up an infectiously catchy Japanese techno pop tune from the band Supercar and started on my lap around the Boulder streets. Jogging on concrete isn't spectacularly great for the knees so I may reconsider a different route later on, but it feels great to work up a good sweat in the morning and breathe in that fresh air and get the blood and heart pumping. Love it.

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Pursuit of strength

2007-09-07T21:49:00.000-06:00

It felt good to wear the Taekwondo dobok again. The light white fabric with the Adidas black trim. The feeling of folding that black belt once more with my name sewn in in Hangul. It felt good to get back into that horse riding stance and throw that punch while barking out a scream from my diaphragm. It felt good to wipe the sweat off my brow with the sleeve. It felt good to step forward and throw that turning kick, the mechanics of which have been so ingrained into the memory of my body's muscles. It felt good to be back doing Taekwondo.

...But it didn't feel so good the next morning.

Haha. So I knew coming into Muay Thai that the scheduling would be rough on me. Essentially on Mondays and Wednesdays, I have to have dinner by 5, leave around 6, train Muay Thai from 6:30 to 7:30 for an hour, drive back to the apartment and walk (up Folsom hill) to the CU Rec Center where I then spend two hours doing Taekwondo. The first hour being traditional techniques and training and the second hour being sparring. It's interesting change going from Muay Thai to TKD, in terms of style of training even to training attire. It's a little nuts though, I'm pretty exhausted by the second hour of TKD and so I'm going to be slow and sloppy while sparring which probably isn't a good idea but at least it'll help with my conditioning and force me to train while in an exhausted mentality/status. My fight at Collegiate was a serious indication of my lack of cardio and inability to fight while tired.

All in all, my deltoids and upper body are fatigued from Muay Thai and my hamstrings and legs are fatigued from TKD but I love it because I love what I do.

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School Spirit

2007-09-03T23:39:00.000-06:00

So this is what my school schedule looks like this semester:

Monday
10-10:50 Religions of East Asia
11-11:50 Modern/Contemporary Lit
1-1:50 Neurophysiology
2-2:50 Behavioral Genetics
6:30-7:30 Muay Thai
8-10 Taekwondo

Tuesday
8-10 Neurophysiology Lab
11-12:15 Human Anatomy

Wednesday
11-11:50 Modern/Contemporary Lit
1-1:50 Neurophysiology
2-2:50 Behavioral Genetics
6:30-7:30 Muay Thai
8-10 Taekwondo

Thursday
11-12:15 Human Anatomy

Friday
8-8:50 Religions of East Asia Recitation
10-10:50 Religions of East Asia
11-11:50 Modern/Contemporary Lit
1-1:50 Neurophysiology
2-2:50 Behavioral Genetics
5:30-6:30 Muay Thai

It's interesting that for the first time I don't have all 8 o clock classes, which is surprisingly nice to be able to sleep in a little considering my usual late night habits. It's not by design, I usually prefer morning classes since I'm strangely more chipper in the morning and have a tendency to crash during the afternoon actually (I'm a habitual napper) but I'm finding that I enjoy this schedule so far. Yet with school and martial arts, I'm keeping myself really busy and occupied during the day. I also tend to do most of my studying and homework on campus, so I'm rarely in my apartment with the exception of sleep and dining needs and considering that I'm at odds with my roommate, I don't mind it one bit. The internet is faster on campus anyway and if I need to print documents I can sneak into the Psychology computer lab. As far as classes go, so far a lot of my work load has been reading. Religions of East Asia is nice in that it only meets on Mondays and Fridays and it's a subject topic that interests me, so I don't mind the reading for that class. Modern Lit is a lot of consistent reading but because it's novels, I find the reading a lot more enjoyable and find myself preferring to catch up on my Lit reading first instead of taking care of my other assigned reading from my other classes. The writing work load hasn't been too stressful, though I have a paper and project due next week so I'll likely have myself an enjoyable, and by "enjoyable" I mean sedulous, weekend of writing and video editing (my project being a video project). Neurophysiology is likely going to be my hardest course but one I need to ace since my physiology gpa is in the dumps and really needs a bolstering. The majority of the students in the class are seniors which has me scratching my head as to why I'm taking it currently but I'm in there with Cat so at least I've got someone to cling to while I thrash violently in the academic sea trying to stay afloat. Behavioral Genetics is difficult to gauge and will come down to how the professor's exams are like. And anatomy will also be difficult but I'm banking on my previous high school experience to help me out in that class, though granted the college course is much more in depth in comparison to the days with Gigliotti. It's insane how quickly the work load overcomes you in college, you finish off one assigned reading or homework only to have a megabajillion more things to get done, but I'm doing fairly well so far staying ahead or on par with the lectures and readings and am determined to succeed this semester. To top everything off, the hours of martial arts training each day (I'm going to try and train on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well) keeps me busy, but it's a fun busy and it's activity that I'm actually always looking forward to, an "active rest" if you will, and it helps alleviates stress I suppose. But it's super late (I don't have class till 11 tomorrow but the exhaustion the muscles behind my eyes are experiencing is signaling me to get some respite) so I'm keeping this entry somewhat short. Time to walk back home and get some sleep.

Or maybe I'll stay up and go jogging at 5 instead...?

No, I should probably get some sleep. haha

The rest of summer

2007-08-26T22:06:00.000-06:00

I'm not quite sure if I'm excited or somewhat remorseful. This summer has been such a mixed bag, part of me wishes I could of spent my summer better, made better choices, and not be in the place where I am now. In the meanwhile this other part of me is just excited to say goodbye to the summer and get on with my life and with school and with training and while I'm somewhat genuinely excited for all that, a good portion of that excitement stems from the fact that I'll have something going on in my life again. I really rarely ever have much going on in my life, even more so after the bridge burnings that occurred over the summer. So to recount and say goodbye to the rest of the summer.

Jubilation

I started hanging out with Elliott and Cat a lot lately. They amuse me in that they live together and act like an old boring married couple. I've known Elliott faintly in high school but only in the last year have I really gotten to know him much better. Cat I met last year as well seeing how she had classes with me both semesters and saved my skin numerous times in chemistry class. They're both great fun and have become great friends to me. So I had come back from hanging out with Nate and it was around the 4th of July and they had invited me over for a fondue night. I thought it was later so I arrived late and missed most of the fondue sadly...but we went and saw the fireworks at the stadium on campus and that almost made up for the fact that I didn't get to stuff myself with chocolate covered strawberries. We then drove around to find a secluded park to fire off some firecrackers and mini fireworks which was more fun. Then we drove back and I karaoke with Elliott on the drive home and impressed everyone with my encyclopedic knowledge of songs and song lyrics. On another occasion we saw the Transformers movie and it transcended awesome. I mean, come on, it's a movie about giant robots in disguise. haha.

The Boys are Back in Town

As I trod down the asphalt hill that led from the rec center back towards my apartment, I ran, or rather more appropriately, I was run into by old friend Dan Bjugstad. We small talked and exchanged numbers and to my surprise a week or so later he messaged me inviting me to a huge birthday party he was hosting. At the party, I reconnected with high school chums Brett Eicher and John Henry and their friend Sam and his sister Rachel and high school acquaintance Tana and a bunch of other drunk people who I didn't know. There was merriment, a police bust, walking, rain, and late night breakfast at Denny's. Since then, I've gotten together with them to hang out and play Clue, visit Walmart late at night, more Denny's, and see movies (the Simpsons Movie to be exact). I'm looking forward to hanging out with them more regularly.

Shakespeare in the sun

My friendship with Deena is this unique and tentative complex entity of on and off again friendship. I had been trying to convince her to hang out and visit me in Boulder and was able to finally do so by enticing her to an evening theatrical performance of Shakespeare's Midsummer Nights Dream as part of CU's annual Shakespeare festival. It was by far the most culturally diverse rendition of the play I had ever seen, not that it really mattered and what was very neat was that the play was performed outside in this almost Greek like theater (with stone benches and all). The sun was out for the first two acts and it was pretty hot that day though. We even saw Elliott and Cat, Brett and Rachel. Introduced her to the greasy but local pizza favorite that is Cosmos. We walked around campus and talked. It was good to see her again and look forward to seeing her again, though most likely that won't be till another year or so. That's sorta how our friendship works, this ebb and flow of long distance friendship (regardless of the fact that the distance is only less than two hours away), long periods of awkwardness interspersed with periods of forgiveness and renewed comfort in conversation and laughter.

Small world

While I was back home for a weekend or so, my family and I went to blockbuster one night looking for a movie to rent. While we didn't find anything rent worthy, I happened upon an old friend I hadn't seen since high school. Crouching in one of the aisle checking out a movie, I noticed and instantly recognized Jamie Leftler. The guy hasn't changed much at all it seems. It's crazy running into him because he was a guy I joked around a lot with since middle school as well. We'd play hacky sack during lunch in high school and he was one of the first friends I met in Colorado. For some reason, I didn't see him at graduation and I hadn't heard from him at all since. He told me he was attending business school at PPCC and working full time and how he really didn't know what he wanted to do in college. I gave him my number and told him to come hang out in boulder some time. haha, it always strikes me as crazy when I come across an old friend. Small world.

Getting back on the mats...

I was remiss in my martial arts training over the last year and it really didn't contribute to my success as I had hoped it would, if anything it made me realize how essential a physically active lifestyle and martial arts especially was necessary to me. Training and fighting is a way to work out stress and distract me from worries, not to mention I absolutely enjoy it and it gives me something to strive for. It's vital in my life. Anyway, Muay Thai kickboxing is a martial art I've always wanted to try out. Coming from a Taekwondo background, I was fascinated in learning another martial art that also emphasized kicking, not to mention I had heard that the conditioning of Muay Thai fighters is some of the best in the world. I took a class offered by the CU Rec center, which was a good introduction to the art but it was essentially a class of conditioning and bag work. We would never spar or do much more than bag work. Not that that's a bad thing but I was ready to take my training up a notch. So this year, I looked around and tried to find a boxing or kickboxing gym to train at. I settled on Easton's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, which is conveniently close by. It's a BJJ school first and foremost and the Muay Thai program there is new and seems to have been added by demand from the BJJ students, since it looks like a lot of the students started as BJJ students there. Fortunately the program is being headed up by UFC veteran and K1 champion Duane "Bang" Ludwig. So, I took a free class/orientation class at the school Wednesday. I wasn't the only one there that day either, also taking the orientation was this beautiful girl about my age. I forced myself not to be shy and introduced myself and learned her name was Lauren and that she had done a some training in Durango back home. I even teamed up with her for pad work during the class and I have to admit that I was really impressed with her ability; she had a hell of a kick. I decided to sign up (not because of Lauren but because of the training opportunity, honest!) and will be training there for the next six months. I'm psyched and excited and looking forward to it all. My goal is to have an amateur fight by the end of the school year if possible.

Olympic Taekwondo

One of the advantages of living in Colorado Springs is the fact that there's an Olympic Training Center in town. Every now and then, they'll hold events for olympic qualifiers and such and I had gotten the chance a few years back to see the Olympic Taekwondo team qualifiers. With the Olympics nearing, it was time once again for the TKD Olympic team qualifiers and for two days I got the opportunity to observe Olympic level Taekwondo competition first hand. I got to see two time gold medalist Steven Lopez fight and saw silver medalist Nia Abdullah fight along with many other equally competitive Taekwondo fighters fight. It was absolutely incredibly; I had never seen the crowd (made up of other TKD fighters and team mates) get so into a TKD tournament and couldn't help myself from getting into the matches with my own cheers and jeers from time to time. It was an absolute blast to get to see such great Taekwondo first hand and it really got me pumped and excited for the TKD club to start up again and so I can start competing and fighting again. I love this sport, it is a real passion for me and seeing high level competition sets a goal for me to strive for. I want to be a great fighter like those guys, it's something to train for.

Well, the fight continues...

Babies Hug Bullets Hide

2007-08-15T00:19:00.000-06:00

A year ago, Nate embarked on a journey to Germany to serve his country. It's been an odd experience trying to fill in the gap that Nate's absence has left in my life, almost futile really. Even though we talk all the time online, and that I had plenty of personal and academic distractions, and even I'd still would have only seen him every so often had he still attended Fort Collins and not enlisted as he fatefully had; it's a noticeable absence to try to get used to. Nate has such a magnanimous personality, he really does steal the spotlight, which is a contrast to my more quiet and introverted demeanor. It's fun being around Nate; he has such energy that he effuses and infects everybody around him and I feed off of that. He's one of the few people who I feel completely comfortable around and can be wacky and goofy and silly around. It's great fun.

It's somewhat difficult to describe and recount what all we did. It was a few months back after all and we did do a lot of just generic hanging out where not a lot happened but still enjoyable fun. So rather than describe hours of us just talking and joking and trying to figure out what we should do, I'll string together some pics and make some random comments. Lame pic post a go go!

Here's Nate and I laughing after a hilarious joke. There were many moments where we just joked around. The title of this post is an inside reference to when we were watching Children of Men. He often would sing Umbrella by Rhianna. There were bouts of gay chicken between him and Tai often. I remarked about a beautiful girl on tv about how I would "stab her with my penis" and I was literally in tears with laughter over Nate's late night story about the "Twist and Shout." He has the video of me just laughing for 5 minutes straight to prove it too.

Myself and Spencer, under the instruction of Nate's to look "awkward and uncomfortable". Spence played Ian in the horrible amateur student film of the same name for anyone who attended the Doherty Film Festivals and remembers that horrendous film. He also kind of look like an Asian John Mayer.

Lol. Nate has apparently adopted Spence as his "protege." Nate obviously treats him well. I also find it funny how he gives Spencer relationship advice considering Spence is at an age where relationships are a shallow faux imitation (he's 15) and because Nate is a very bitter angry man in regards to every girl he's dated. Granted, I'm not in any better position..haha

This was an interesting story. Nate, Matt, and I were treated to dinner at a sports bar thanks to Michelle (Nate's mother) and her friend. I ordered a western burger, which was quite delicious might I add, and secretly wanted to play darts. Matt and Nate went to the jukebox to pick some tunes to play when this small bald guy wearing tight jeans with requisite oversized cowboy belt buckle and a tucked in t-shirt walks over to Nate to question him if he was with the "ladies" he was sitting with. Man that must have been awkward, having some creep walk up to you to with the intentions of trying to get lucky with your mom. We walked home afterwards for funsies talking and joking around.

Tai and I on one of our many late night rendezvous to the local Village Inn and or Denny's. There's a couple more pics of us at VI. It seems like the most exciting things to do in Colorado Springs past 9-11 is go to Walmart (which we also did often) or VI for strawberry milkshakes and strawberry pie.

Lol. *Shrugs* I should use this for a profile pic sometime.

There was plenty of Guitar Hero played. Though Nate, even though he owns the game himself, refused to play because he was embarassed about not being good enough or some other bull. Spence is 15 and actually plays rel guitar and he's probably the only person I've met who's as good as if not better than me at the game. He's beaten Jordan, which I still have yet to do (nor do I really want to do to be honest) but I have more experience with the game (considering he doesn't own it though and only plays the game at his friends, somewhat an unfair handicap I guess) so I still beat him on most songs we played. None the less, I do bow down and give mad props to thee.

I don't know why or who I kept calling or who kept calling me but for whatever reasons I kept getting phone calls when I hung out with Nate, which is bizarre considering how rare I get phone calls ever. It's pretty rude I admit and it bugs me when people do it to me, so sorry buddy but really, what the hell? *Shrugs*

Another night at the VI. Haha, I made some crazy weird faces. This was another fun night and this pic cracks me up. The waitress was pretty cool, her name was Heidi and Nate mentioned my previous history with girls named Heidi and I playing along offered to tattoo her name on my chest. Man I'm crazy around Nate. haha

Leaving the Inn...Probably to head off to walmart or something.

All during the vacation I kept nagging about what we should do activity wise since I'm just one of those types of people that has to be active and doing things, which is the exact opposite of Nate's wing it philosophy. One of the things we brainstormed was to go bowling and thus we went bowling.

Haha, Spence and Nate bowling at the same time in the same lane! Quite a fancy, till the pins locked up and the managers warned us not to do it again or they'd kick us out. Still, made for a great photo op!

A bunch of asian guys standing around a white car...soooo Initial D!

Chillin'

Haha, Tai kept stealing Nate's hat. There he is with it on sleeping away.

This was a great pic. Us all sharing a beer. Nate had a night where he invited a bunch of friends over and they bought up a lot of liquor. I had a few coke and rums and wanted to drink more but the guys invited (Derek Klinge, Chris Eggleston, Dustin and some other friends) were friggin power alcoholics and had most of the liquor drank in the first 30 minutes. They didn't know how to pace themsevles at all. *sigh* Oh well. Dustin was drunk off his ass and just kept rambling incoherantly and Derek was soooo annoying, he wouldn't shut up at all and talked the entire night in a haughty music snob manner, so usual Derek Klinge for anyone who's ever met him. Eh, still fun. Not to mention I freaked out Nate when I called him and told him I was wandering around lost on some street when in reality I was with Tai getting Guitar Hero. haha, oops.

Haha, last night of Nate's time in the springs, we decided to go to VI and on the way there we found a shopping cart and so we all took turns pushing and riding the cart on our way there. haha oh we must of woke up the entire neighborhood with that rumbling cart.

Walking back after having the last strawberry milkshake and midnight breakfast with Nate.

And that pretty much sums up and concludes my misadventures with Nate, my Rosencrantz to my Guildenstern. There was much merriment to be had and much breakfast and milkshakes drank and many times was Scrubs quoted. Some other things I forgot to mention that occured was how Nate bought me Odin Sphere on an impulse after I told him how awesome I had heard the game to be, which was very generous of him. The game's beautiful, well written, and fun but guiltily I haven't gotten very far in the game due to the fact that it's such a smart game that it requires you to think through and micromanage your items and equipment so much that I rarely have the time or the desire to play it and often have opted for inferior and more mindless games like Dynasty Warriors. This is the same reason why I can't get past the first 4 or 5 chapters in Disgaea, even though I love that game and praise it highly as well. Oh Atlus, you are quickly becoming my next favorite publisher with your quirky anime inspired sprite based games. We also saw Knocked Up, which was pretty good though i wouldn't say as funny as 40 Year Old Virgin. I guess it was a little hard to relate to the female protagonist going through pregnancy since I lack those functioning set of genitalia. Still had it's funny moments though.

Before I knew it, two weeks had passed and it was time to say goodbye once more. I offered to drive Nate to the airport and Tai and Spence tagged along so that we could all say goodbye to Nate there. On the drive home Tai and Spence kept banging on the back of my chair and pretending like they had broken something and I pretended to act irrate when really I just didn't want to say too much and reveal myself choking up from having said goodbye.

Fun times buddy. I'll miss ya and can't wait to hear and see ya once more!

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Arguments in a Cable Car

2007-08-02T04:10:00.000-06:00

June was an interesting month filled with both highs and lows that rendered me victim to a gamut of emotions. If it were a Chinese dish, it'd be the sweet and sour pork (or chicken if poultry be your choosing). Specifically June is punctuated by two major events of polar opposite emotions, one of which being of great joy and the other of great frustration. I have concluded thus to separate my recollection of June into two posts since it'd seem really unfair to allow the negativity of one event to spill into the other. Not to mention both events are significant (in terms of recordings of my life I suppose) to warrant their own posts and they occur conveniently in succession anyway. First the sour; which has left me with a slight bitter taste even now but one that has been for the most part washed down with time. That or I've merely become compliant with the whole situation. *shrugs* To be completely truthful, I'd much rather not write about the subject and just move on since that's essentially what I've done what with it being a month later and all, but I suppose it's important enough to record.

"Let's rearrange, I wish you were a stranger I could disengage, Just say that we agree and then never change, Soften a bit until we all just get along, But that's disregard, Find another friend and you discard, As you lose the argument in a cable car, Hanging above as the canyon comes between" Over My Head (Cable Car) by the Fray

It's a curious matter how much alcohol changes people. Everybody has a reaction to it, some more drastic than others. Some get stupid and retarded, some become chill and sedated. The loss of one's personal inhibitions can reveal details and verisimilitudes of a person that you've never seen before, utterly transforming an acquaintance or a friend you knew into a complete stranger and in a single night a bridge can come crashing down in a fiery blaze.

Mike doesn't drink too often. Mike being my roommate and friend from high school. Mike doesn't drink too often, not as much as some of my other friends; however, when Mike does drink, he gets wasted, absolutely hammered and shit faced. He's an absolute mess when drunk and on more than one occasion I've had to take care and babysit his intoxicated self; I didn't mind because I considered him a friend and that's what you expect of friends. On one night he was solely responsible for throwing up in his room and apparently in his kitchen leaving behind a foul stench that would linger for a good month or so.

Mike has this character he does sometimes, he exaggerates his blackness. That is to say, his inner "ghetto" comes out to quote Nate. It used to be comedic fodder and the satirical usage of racial stereotypes was what we built our friendship on originally. Truthfully though, it gets old after a while and the random outburst of the word "nigga" as it pierces the apartment air would only inspire a smirk and a shaking of one's head at best and a yawn or roll of the eyes at worse. Everything and anything that happens is racism against him because of his color rather than any real fault of his. His occasional usage of "chink" in reference to me would silently offend me.

It's easy to tell when Mike's drunk, he's quite obvious really. He talks in a loud and shouting voice, likely oblivious of his volume. It was around ten and him and Dave had come back from a party perhaps and he turned the tv on and started talking about a boxing fight that had occurred that night. I had missed the match since I had been taking a nap but I humored him anyway with conversation. They left soon after and went down to the neighbor's for some more revelry and I returned to a conversation online with Kaye whom I hadn't heard from in a while. An hour or so pasted and it was getting late and I started wondering about Mike so I head over there to see what my friends are up to. The gang's all there playing beer pong but I notice Mike is not present. I ask Cory where he's at out of curiosity and discover that he's missing and that they don't even know where he's at. So I start giving him a couple calls on his cell and he finally calls and he's absolutely incoherent on the phone; he doesn't even know where he's at. He's at some party somewhere is all he knows. So I go back to talk to Cory and Dave, who had gotten a hold of him in the meanwhile as well and convince Cory to help me go retrieve his drunk ass from the party he had managed to find his way back to and that which just so happened to be across the street in the apartment building next door. We go there only to find him talking up some girl which isn't too surprising and convince him he needs to return with us and go to bed because he's wasted and should get some sleep. He sweet talks his way and bargains for a few more minutes and we're finally able to get him to come with us with help from the lady who he was talking up, her obviously sensing the same thing we were. So we wrangle him up and bring him to his room and we set him down to sleep. After that's all done Cory heads back and I decide to pick up my copy of Catch 22 and read a little in the living room just in case if Mike wakes up and needs any assistance. Sure enough, not too much longer Mike comes stumbling out of his room shirtless like he's a ninja creeping his way towards the door and he doesn't even seem to see me at first...and this is where all the fun began.

Allow me to reiterate that Mike was well drunk hours ago and had probably kept drinking since and now he was creeping out the door with no shirt or shoes on with only his jean pants on. I put my book down and get up to ask him what he thinks he's doing and stop him halfway out the door. He starts trying to bargain and plead with me that he'll be right back and just wants to go talk to some girl real quick, after much debate and difficulty on his part, I decide to let him go thinking that the girl he's referring to is next door with Cory, Jarret, and Dave and all them and that that'd be fine and then he'd go to sleep. So I let him go but watch him as he makes a b line to the exit door to the right and I jump into action to get in between him and the door becoming fully aware of his intentions to return to the party. I become more stern with him asking him what he thinks he's doing and tell him that he's not going across the street to some random party drunk and half naked. He keeps trying to talk his way around me and force his way past me.

And that's when the bridge caught fire.

I pushed back. He kept trying to force his way past me and had shouldered me into the door so with no where left to go I tried to stave him off with my arms. It was an innocent enough push, not a hard tough guy push that starts fights, I was merely trying to get some room and keep him back, but start a fight it did. He exploded. His intoxication making him irritable and belligerent and right before my eyes he became Denzel Washington in Training Day, thinking he was black King Kong all of a sudden. Yet I was not going to let him go out in the middle of the night drunk off his ass to some stranger's party so we're standing there arguing with each other, which escalates to us yelling at each other in the middle of the hallway to eventually a shoving match. He pushes me through the door into the staircase and he almost even pushes me down the stairs all the while yelling in my face how he's better than me and so I push his drunk ass into the wall and somewhere in the altercation he decides to slap my glasses off my face.

And that was the last straw. If I were a violent person, if I were someone who couldn't keep my cool and was quick to start fights, had an ego and was looking for trouble, I would of struck him back in retaliation. But that's not who I am, for as strong as I pass myself off to be, I'm not, I'm rather weak and I abhor conflict. I avoid it like the plague and do my best to evade trouble as much as possible to be honest. Not to mention I had no interest in fighting my friend. So I backed down, I picked up my glasses and I went back inside. Mike sensing I was upset (how when he was so drunk puzzles me, let alone why he'd still care after attempting to throw me down a flight of stairs) followed me in attempting to talk to me and settle me down, only to result in us arguing again and more yelling and more of him talking shit and talking to me like he was so much better than I was, stuttering and stumbling through his words mind you, which all led back to more grappling till finally I yelled at him to fucking go and do whatever the hell he wanted to do and so he did, slamming the door behind him. I gave Cory a text message telling him to look after Mike and I decided to pack up my clothes and toiletry for the trip back to the Springs. (Something I had planned for a while since Nate was coming back, not to be mistaken as a reaction to my conflict with Mike) I was fed up. This wasn't the first time I had got into an argument with Mike but this was the most severe and as such I was fed up with him. I was also fed up about a lot of other things such as the price of living and attending Boulder. I was sick and fed up with being there.

"But that's how it's got to be; It's coming down to nothing more than apathy; I'd rather run the other way than stay and see; The smoke and who's still standing when it clears" Over my Head (Cable Car) by the Fray

So I got online and started looking at what it would take to transfer to UCCS. I was really serious too, I looked at what requirements were necessary for me to drop out of CU and then what paperwork was needed to transfer into UCCS. Whether or not UCCS had my major, and they did or at least they had an Exercise and Sports Physiology specialization, and if my credits would transfer. I also sent an email to the manager of the apartments asking if there was a way to get out of my renewed lease. I didn't want to be there in that apartment and in Boulder anymore.

I sat in bed for a while thinking things through. It was radical and spontaneous but that's how I am at times when I get fed up or bored with something, I make drastic changes. I weighed the ups and downs and at the time the ups of transferring were beating the downs every time. I did however make some good new friends up here but I was willing to make those friendships casualties. I wouldn't be able to take TKD anymore since there's no club at UCCS, and I had been planning to return all sophomore year but I told myself I could always find instruction in the Springs at a real dojang. I figured I could live back home again and lessen the financial burden placed on my parents and myself considerably by attending a college in the Springs and if worse comes to worse and I get fed up with my mother, I could always move out and find an apartment that would likely still be economically cheaper than what I pay now in Boulder. All the while through my window and the hallway window to the apartment adjacent, I could hear Mike yelling and making a scene in a stand off with the guy I assume holding the party and Cory, who had gone to fetch Mike for the second time that night. I took note as Cory gave up and left Mike to his own devices acknowledges Cory's as far more wiser than me for not putting up with Mike's in his current temperance.

Sometime next day, after I had arrived back home, Mike sent me some text message about some apology he posted up on facebook. I never bothered to read it. After I had hung out with Nate, I returned back to Boulder for the month of July. It is now the first of August and I have yet to speak a single word to Mike and have only encountered him on few occasions. I lock my door now when I leave and I keep to myself in my room now mostly. I also looked around some apartments in Boulder, having decided to stay in Boulder when I realized that I felt more attached to the college atmosphere than I initially had believed but was unsuccessful in finding an apartment that was considerably cheap enough, close enough, or furnished enough, in comparison to my already expensive apartment to warrant the hassle of moving out...though I now regret my decision to try and "stick it out" for a year and not go through the hassle to move into a marginally cheaper but independent single room studio apartment.

Don't misinterpret, I'm not mad or upset or angry at Mike. I also realize that he was wildly drunk and unaware of his actions, but alcohol doesn't transform you into a monster, it merely reveals the dark heart inside and I was disgusted with what I saw of Mike's. It's not a matter of if I forgive him or if I'll ever forgive him. I don't hold any grudge or personal vendetta. I'm just done. The bridge is burned and I have no interest in rebuilding. If he ever raises his hand to strike me again, I won't be holding back my fists for the sake of friendship. He's no longer my friend as far as I'm concerned. Just a roommate I have to put up with for another year.

But whatever, that's that! I've moved on and this blog post is the final act and observation as far as I'm concerned. My friend Mike no longer lives in the room across from me, there's just a stranger who happens to share the rent and kitchen who I don't know and have no interest in interacting with at all.

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Heads up!

2007-07-11T05:02:00.000-06:00

"Find a penny, pick it up, and all day you'll have good luck."

It's 4 in the morning and I'm walking home from campus after having spent the night locked in the Psychology building leeching off of the wireless internet on campus. It's a pleasant enough morning, a slight breeze but not too cold and these sorts of nightly campus raids have become quite common for me since the end of the semester. As I'm pacing towards home I notice a penny on the ground under my stride. I think nothing of it initially, only to stop a few paces later for a brief moment as if to contemplate and take delight in the humor of the situation. I turn back to pick the penny up only to find not one penny but two, faced up.

Silly, but maybe it's a good omen.

Now to keep up the momentum and go out for my morning jog.

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Just Coffee...

2007-06-08T22:42:00.000-06:00

"I wish I could change, I wish I could change; I wish I could stop sayin the same old things; I wish I could be, who you want me to be; I wish I could stop being the same old me." Complicated by Robin Thicke

I really need to get to sleep and two pills of Simply Sleep downed with some water should cure my usual restlessness tonight, hopefully with out the morning symptom of feeling like you've been run over by a semi truck that I've read some sleep medicines result in. I have an appointment tomorrow w/ a friend that I cannot miss, it's just coffee but conversing with D has got me contemplating and so I'm up to spill my guts.

I never intend to so fully screw myself up and sabotage my personal relationships with personal catastrophic meltdowns. If anything I'm always striving for the opposite and yet it's my extra effort that more times than not provides me with the unwanted result. I know a lot of times I'm just "too much" too fast too soon. I don't mean to be and I don't want to be and I've been aware of what I do for the longest time and yet I still seem to be doomed to repeat my mistakes, each time the same story but different girl.

"There's no way, there's no way, there's no way; I can get back that girl; cause I'm too complicated; she's not complicated; but I'm too complicated" Complicated by Robin Thicke

I've always prided myself on my determination and dedication. To live passionately with no regrets, fully forward and focused. I've always modeled myself after the philosophy that any mountain or challenge can be overcome with enough effort and to never accept failure; failure meant a minor setback caused by not trying hard enough to be ameliorated with more effort. It's bullheaded but it's who I am and this fighting spirit is evident in all manners of tasks that I do whether it's training, studying, or even playing videogames. And as such, it carries over into my mentality of winning the girl. Except I've come to realize that more times than not, that's not how it works or at least it doesn't seem to work for me. People give advice to just "relax and be yourself" when the irony is that that is "myself" and who I am. I don't know how to relax, or take it easy, or to go with the flow or any other taoist like cliche sayings. I want to be, I'm trying to be (there's an irony for ya) and I'm getting better at accepting things and letting things go...
I try too hard for girls to like me and it works against me...subtilty has never been my strongest attribute.

We shape and interpret the world through our experiences...With all the romantic movies and fantastical musicals I've seen maybe my interpretation of romance and love is too overproduced and unrealistic. It seems that only in a movie can a guy get shot down on the first try, only to keep pestering the girl and slowly win her heart through the course of an hour and thirty minutes and in the end the guy gets the girl. In real life, the guy gets called a pervert stalker and gets slapped with a restraining order (a hyperbole). Yet a hopeless romantic with a sleeveless heart I am with a tragic flaw.

It seems that when it comes to relationships, a lot of my friends all have their downfalls. Kaye with her overdependence (something I also share), Nate with his fear of committment, and other friends I've known to be unable to settle with one person or are too jaded from a past relationship or whatever. Maybe I imagine myself as some tragic figure standing out in the rain in a trenchcoat alone because of my own selfishness and inability. Maybe I can't change who I am and overcome this flaw and will always be looking in on a good life I'm doomed never to find.

There was somthing Deena said before she signed off, about maybe then I'll just have to find someone who likes my overextended doting. Though maybe that's part of the problem. That I expect too much by expecting to meet some amazing girl who will balance me out and keep me in check. That I just haven't found a durable girl for my overflowing affection.

After thinking about it though, I think the truth lies, like with many things, somewhere in the middle. I probably do need a girl who appreciates and understands me and my zealous temperment but I need to pull back on the effort to find that girl and not be so much sometimes. It's like I'm aware of how great of a guy I am (as all the girls continue to tell me, whether they mean it or are just being polite) but because of that I try too hard to advertise myself and by doing so I come across as too desperate or overbearing. Now that I think about it, I suppose it all stems from an insecurity of forever being alone, in that if I don't try, maybe nobody will ever take the time to uncover the diamond in the rough that I am (and fitting with my earlier schema, I would then thus "fail" by not trying hard enough). I'm getting better I suppose and penning my thoughts is a good first step in organizing my cognitive disonance.

Well, I need to get some sleep, composing this has taken longer than expected. I'm overthinking this way too much anyway...It's just coffee.

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Shadow Boxing...

2007-06-02T02:12:00.000-06:00

It's been a little while since I've last posted. It's now the summer (a month in actually) and the stressors of Chemistry and my other spring courses are now behind me. I was able to pull straight B's, which is both simultaneously an impressive surprise and disapointment to myself. Pleasant in that I was able to somehow manage such a grade in Chemistry. Depressing in that I had at least two courses in which I felt should have had A's in, my only conclusion is that my grade was borderline and I fell just short of suceeding like so often in my life and in that way I suppose it's really not all that astounded. Or perhaps I am letting my pessimistic temperment fufill its self prophecy.

I've never been fond of summer. It's not that I don't appreciate the academic respite, nor the warm and sunny days. Yet it is the massive onslaught of boredom and lethargy that has me shaking my fists in frustration. Allow me to elaborate.

The majority of my friends at Boulder have returned home for their breaks, my roommates included and so for the good lot of my first month of summer I spent alone in this apartment. My roommates have since come back and things have been a little more livelier than before but one of my greatest frustrations with my apartment kin is that we're all very closeted people. John's usually in his room playing Halo or doing whatever; Mike is the same, and Dave is usually locked up in his room as well playing World of Warcraft or something on his computer and if he leaves the apartment he's out with his friend Francis. The only time the living room is ever used or occupied is the rare ocassion when guests are over and meal times when the kitchen is used to whip up a quick snack to bring back to their room. They all have their own stashes of food in their rooms also, John and Mike both owning mini fridges and Dave w/ an assortment of chips and snacks, so to cut down on their necessity to withdraw from whatever they're preocuppied with. I admit I'm not much better but in my defense I attribute my hermitness as a reflex to the situation. Often I travel over to my neighbors apartment room for social needs since they're almost always hanging out or chilling in the living room; the absolute antithesis of our apartment of four closed doors.

So why not go back to home, back to the Springs? Simply put, there's not much left for me in the Springs anymore. Most of my closest friends are probably busy or moved on, my best friend isn't even in the country anymore as he's serving his duty overseas on an army post in Germany, and Mrs. Batchelder my mentor figure has moved onto another school so there's less reason to go visit Doherty and bother old teachers. (not to mention no one to do it w/) There is home and my parents though and I don't mean to make it sound like I don't appreciate or love them. I do, I love my parents, I do miss them from time to time and have a desire to spend more time with them, and miss playing with my adorable reluctantly crossdressing puppy dog Peanut, but spending too much time with them gets boring after a while. I mean, my father is at work for most of the day leaving me alone with my mother (and Peanut) and after a while she can really drive me crazy; moreover, they go to bed at 8, leaving me to fend for myself and find something to do in a city that pretty much shuts down after 10, usually resorting to sitting myself in front of the computer w/ nothing to do but browse the internet with my home's slow connection. At least in Boulder I have a decent internet speed and access to a gym so that I can be somewhat productive.

Not to mention, my best friend Kaye has been so incredibly busy that I rarely see her online anymore (which was my method of communication with her, what with her living in Washington and all) and she hasn't even had time to return my calls. I know she's busy and that she's probably doing alright, I just miss her and my usual conversations with her is all.

I don't have a job. I know I need one. I know I need money and can't expect my father to pay for loans and rent for me. I just really dislike dealing with money (or rather the lack of it), it's one of the most stressful things to me. In a Freudian explanation, I blame my mother for it. She was always so stringent and negative whenever money was discussed (such as how much things cost or how much I or my father makes) and while it's made me frugal, it's also made me associate stress with money and condition myself to shutdown, withdraw, and shirk away from dealing with it. I'm slowly trying to motivate myself to look around but I know I'm not putting my whole self into it. Contributing to my apathy is my self doubt. Many of the job postings I'm looking at or finding has me doubting myself and my abilities. Even the process of writing a resume has me considering my lack of job experience and feeling unqualified and disqualified from being hired anywhere.

Since I don't have a job nor am I taking summer courses, I don't have any appointments or necessary reasons to get up in the morning. As such I'm staying up late doing nothing but getting sick of myself playing videogames and waking up late usually around noon. I hate...I HATE...how screwed up my circadian rhythm is. I despise waking up late. It's the worse way to set the tone for the day because it feels like I've wasted half of it already. What's more is that I've adjusted to this wacked out sleeping habit that even my attempts at sleeping early and getting more rest are futile.

You'd think that I'd just appreciate the time off and the break and enjoy my laziness, but I don't think I would know how to relax if my life depended on it. I don't ever want to rest or stop for a single second when I consider all the things I've to do or could be doing. I know that I can't sit around playing videogames all day. Honestly, I get sick of doing nothing but playing videogames all day (unless it's a new and engrossing videogame), I get sick of not being productive. So knowing early off that I wasn't going to be completely unproductive, I've forced myself to visit the recreational center on campus almost daily. Hitting the weights and working on my cardio in order to catch up and make up for the missed year of martial arts to be honest, it's really starting to show off and I feel like my endurance is improving and my physique is more defined and muscular. Deena believes that I can call myself "lazy" while doing so much phsyical fitness but I still feel like I'm being remiss in my responsibilities. There's this zen that can be achieved through exercise or something physical. Where you're mind blanks out, the pain is slightly numbed and suddenly bearable, and your body's motions become almost automatic. You're not worried about money or relationships or sleep, only on the present moment and the action being performed and I guess I've been abusing this state of mind as an excuse and an escape from my troubles and acountability. As I was running my mile I was also running from my responsibilities.

All this has left me in a shaken and downtrodden state. I have unanswered emails from Mrs. Batchelder, not because I don't want to talk to her but because I'm ashamed to talk to her in my current state. It's got to the point where I'm absolutely lost in self doubt. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like the person I see. I ask myself if I'm the friend that I think I am or that I'm the son that I think I want to be but most of all I ask myself how can I even call myself a man with the way I've been. I'm in such a pitiful state that I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. While my peers are going to other countries, getting internships and jobs, meeting new people, seeing new places and experiences new things, I've locked myself in my room lamenting about the past and how pathetic I've become and sleeping my life away. The string of failures I've experienced since my senior year of highschool (my unacceptance to the military academies and my falling out with Deena) and my less than stellar college career so far (lackluster grades, unacceptance for the Dal Ward internship, my poor performance at Collegiate Nationals, my unacceptance for volunteering with the CU Crisis Helpline) have left me feeling inferior and disapointed. I don't know if it's the major depression I suffered from highschool reocurring or if maybe it never went away and that I've been trying to deal with it all along.

"Pull my fist from my mouth; I beat myself for a quarter century; Remind, remind, that it's bigger than me; Disolve, disolve, into evergreens." Take your Medicine by Cloud Cult

Right on cue like the inevitable superhero to save the day, I've finally gotten sick of being sick of myself and have taken the first steps to ameliorate my situation. My best friend Nate is coming home to visit and I won't allow myself to be in such a sorry state for his sake. Deena's making an effort to reconnect the bridge that's fallen between us and for her sake I need to pull myself together. For Mrs. Batchelder, who I promise I'll email back when school starts once more. For my parents and for my friends but most importantly for myself. I'm continuing w/ my daily exercise and workouts, I'm keeping myself busy with my studies to learn Korean, I'm trying to work on a resume and searching around for a job, I bought some sleep aid pills for my insomnia, I'm taking my first steps back to recovery. As I posted earlier in the year, I know this isn't going to be easy but I just have to suck it up and take my medicine. Today's a perfectly good day and there's no reason for me not to face it head on.

"You can take it in stride, Or you can take it right between the eyes; Suck up, suck up, And take your medicine; It's a good day, it's a good day, To face the hard things" - Take your Medicine by Cloud Cult

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Academic Engagement

2007-05-07T18:52:00.000-06:00

I always get anxious before an exam, now is no exception as the steadily approaching Chemistry final encroaches. I have spent the last day, night, morning and day studying and there is a point where one can no longer continue studying the same problems over and over in a fruitless attempt to change one's fate. It is too late at this point, a point where no amount of effort will yield any likely long term success in terms of academic memory recollection when needed in the clutch. All there is now is the waiting and as one such Heartbreaker declared, it does seem like the "hardest part." So like a boxer in the locker room warming up and waiting for his match to begin, shadowing and staying light on his feet in an effort to stay loose; I wait, ready and resolved to go forth and wage academic warfare against the legions of buffer and common ion solubility problems. At this point, a frantic dash to review and regurgitate concepts and theorems would be more hazardous than helpful, contributing only worry than comfort. No regrets, no more worrying, this exam is just one more mountain to climb and I'm as ready as I'm going to be. There's nothing left to do but to just take the exam now and have confidence in my academic testing abilities.

Restless Warrior

2007-05-02T04:01:00.000-06:00

As I begin to type this, it is just now 4 o clock in the morning. I am sitting in a dimly lit computer lab in the basement of the Muenzinger Psychology building, having transfered here (surprising myself as the facility is usually closed down after hours) after the Norlin Library closed at 2. Prior to that I had spent two hours at the recreational center slash gym, the first dedicated to weight machines in weight room and the second devoted to shadow boxing a heavy bag. Most likely when I finish this post I'll head back to the apartment (a fifteen minute walk) only to throw on a hoodie and head out for my morning roadwork (a boxing term used to describe jogging) at half past 5. I suppose the fact that with the exception of sleeping in this morning and a few hours nap this afternoon that I took today (at the cost of attending my biopsychology lecture and the final twenty minutes of a decent game of Football being played between Chelsea and Liverpool on the television) my Sunday night/Monday morning was essentially the same late night escapade adds to the severity of my of recent insomnia. Though it could be argued that had I been at home I wouldn't have been nearly as productive and still likely just as sleepless for when I describe my insomnia as recent, I truly mean my chronic insomnia as of this semester it seems. Allow me to expatiate.

I've always struggled with my insomnia, most likely due to my numerous all nighters I would pull in highschool to finish homework and write papers and what not. I would come home exhausted and fall asleep instantly for a good three hours. (when I was able to, when I started working at the East Library however the actual physical activity of shelving books was enough to keep me awake though still tired) Ironically, for freshman year of college, insomnia wasn't all that big of an issue for me. Perhaps it was because I had a roommate and that I wanted to respect his own attempt to sleep by not staying up too late, (though I did pull ocassional all nighters for finals a few times but never the frequency that I would in highschool) or that my course work wasn't too difficult, (I still had 8 o clock morning classes and a few "challenging" classes but Freshman year is generally considered the easiest course wise) and possibly because of my excitement for the new college environment had lead me to be very active with Taekwondo and Muay Thai kicboxing and other extra curicular activities. Whatever the reason, I slept well and soundly. Corey (my rooommate) once proclaimed that if there were an Olympics for sleeping, I would easily win a gold medal. Considering all the stories I'd wake up to about loud drunk kids passing by the halls late at night, (that I was apparently not aware of and slept through) I am inclined to believe him. Or atleast I would back then. Lately though, this year has not yielded the same sort of sleep.

I suppose for all the reasons I listed for my heavy and deep sleep I no longer abided by this school year. I had my own room in a shared apartment so I had no obligations of waking anyone by staying up, my coursework this year has been especially difficult due to chemistry, (a course I've always struggled to comprehend and excel at) and social stress concurred throughout the year. (more on this later) Perhaps the biggest culprit however in my restlessness seems to be the decision that I made at the start of the semester to quit Taekwondo and Muay Thai and all other martial arts and supposedly focus more so on my academics. With the school year coming to a close, I realize now how much of a mistake that was.

It's not that I'm not tired when the clock strikes twelve and the lights go off, often my eyes are physically exhausted and heavy. I honestly and earnestly do try to listen for the sirens of sleep and to rest my eyelids but lately it seems that as I lay in my bed cuddling a giant body pillow (a sleeping habit since childhood) with three blankets messily wrapped around me, my mind defies to quiet itself. I will lay with my eyes closed and my body completely still and yet in my mind I am actively working on my Taekwondo footwork. I visualize myself advancing forward with one step, maybe one step and a change step, retreating backwards, sidestepping to the side, then I visualize myself throwing kicks, fast kicks, rear leg roundhouse counters, combination kicks, and spin hook kicks to the head. All the while as I shadowbox in my own mind my body starts to visualize along with it and once in a while I'll refuse to listen to my eyes and my own body's fatigue and thrust out a fist straight in the air as if I were punching a heavy bag. Then having upset what previous efforts I had made at falling asleep, I reshuffle myself or reposition myself onto my side or other my other side in whatever yoga like means of comfort I can achieve to restart the process of falling asleep...Only in some cases to repeat the procedure all over again a numerous amount of times before finally giving up and deciding to just stay up for the rest of the morning. And so is my plight that has plagued me for a plethora of previous nights.

It only makes me realize how much I miss it...How much I miss fighting...How intergral martial arts really is to my identity, to my being, to my very soul. And even though I've made tremendous efforts in recent month to start working out regularly at the rec center it seems the damage has already been done and that sound sleep will not be achievable till I have time to actively force myself to correct my circadian cycle once more. Well, it's almost time for me to head back and do my roadwork. Time for another long day but I suppose the battles never really over for fighters like myself.

...but the fighter still remains

2007-01-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

"In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade, and he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him till he cried out, in his anger and his shame, I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains"
-The Boxer; Simon & Garfunkel

Anyone who has ever known me for any duration of time will know that from time to time I will alter something about myself and more often then not it is dramatic. Whether it be something physical as a new crazy hairstyle or whether it be something mental as some new life philosophy, every now and then there is some new effort I put forth to try and remodel, remake, and improve myself or my perception.

So it is a new year and as such it is almost obligatory that I have a renewed sense of purpose in life. For quite a while I have been delaying the redesign and relaunch of my blog. I had noticed that my old blog with all the different links, falling java leaves, streaming music, everything was just getting out of hand. I wanted to simplify things, emphasize my art, and make a basic and clean redesign that emphasizes the writing, the blog itself. A back to basics philosophy in redesign. After months of struggling to tame the tangled mess of html, I gave up more or less. Except til just recently when I figured writing in my blog more often could be a good new years resolution of mine and hobby to take up again. There's still a bunch of kinks that need to be troubleshot and I haven't even added links to the sidebar yet but I'm very happy with the banner art I've made. It does not hurt either that Nate would constantly bug me relentlessly to update and post for a good couple of months straight.

I have sat at this table in front of my lap top trying to figure out some sort of creative way to express this new sense of vigor and excitement I have for this upcoming year. Yet nothing is really coming to me and all I have to reflect upon is how lacking last year was. Truth be told, a lot of big changes happened in my life last year and I handled many of them as I usually do, either by ignoring them, or completely shutting down and preserving myself for some moment in time in which I can latch onto as an excuse and say "Hey! I'm back for another round!" The more I reflected on last year, the more I realized how absolutely false this sense of new optimism is. That regardless of the new shorter hair style, the new resolutions to get back into a better physical shape and conditioning, a new blog and whatever new life philosophies I adapt, my progress as a human being has been nothing but stumbled steps as of late. I find myself making the same mistakes, apparently having never really learned my lessons from them before, and regressing to a depressed mess of a man. And suddenly yesterday's shadow is so foreboding that I can no longer bring myself to write this blog reintroduction with the same enthusiasm as I had originally planned...the same unrealistic enthusiasm at least.

"It's times like these, you learn to live again. It's times like these you give and give again. It's time like these you learn to love again. It's times like these, time and time again."
-Times Like These; Foo Fighters

I think the reason why so many people default on their new years resolutions and a lot of goals they set in life is because they are unrealistic about them. I think people underestimate the magnitude and difficulty in reshaping and remodeling one's lifestyle or habits. It is one thing to announce and proclaim that you will quit smoking, or eat healthier, or drink less, or go to the gym more consistently, or whatever your poison may be and yet so few people truly have the conviction to stick to their guns that they often do not make it past the first week or so. Even some of the most determined and dedicated are usually only able to follow through on a few of their goals and even still for only a month or two and I seriously must call to question the veracity of any one's success with long term life modifying resolutions. And while the action in the resolution or goal may not in itself be too demanding, it is more often than not the expectations of frequency and consistency that are unrealistic because as soon as that one occurrence where you're too busy due to external circumstances to perform the ritual or the moment you relent even for an exception, the whole ball begins to unravel because that's when you start allowing for more and more exceptions and digging yourself into a deeper and deeper hole until you've lost the initial momentum of the new year and have given up on the resolution all together. Bottom line: People make unrealistic goals by underestimating the difficulty of reconditioning one's lifestyle or habits and few have the self conviction to stick to them.

You see, when I dealt with my demon called depression, I promised myself that I would never consider suicide again for the sake of not making my mother cry. I was determined to live life with a renewed sense of appreciation and try my best at enjoying life and not allowing myself to become overburdened by life's pressures. I told myself that I was going to be happy again and that I was going to be excited for the future (this was at a point in my life where my plans for the future had been radically altered) and that I was not going to fall back into depression. It worked too, I had an amazing first semester at Boulder, met a lot of new friends (a feat uncommon for a shy person as myself at a school w/ few old friends to fall back upon), kept active in club sports and renewed my passion for martial arts, and was genuinely interested in my classes (well, most of them anyway). My second semester was pretty decent as well. But midway, my impenetrable armor started to crack and my momentum started to come to a screeching halt. Thus would start a chain of events that would constitute a crummy year that had its fill of ups but mostly downs and a lot of transitions and changes that I haven't exactly been able to easily adapt to. I survived only to tell myself that next year would be better and that I would get myself back on track again.

So here I am, it is the next year and I am all gungho and adamant about my future once more. Yet for how long? For a month or two only to fall apart midway through the semester? Or maybe I'll make it past the semester and regress during the summer and revive myself with the oncoming fall semester? Just as I am about to renew some lofty and unrealistic goals for myself I have become self aware and self conscious of my constant flux in self esteem. So after some reflection and some reading, here is my resolve.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."
-Heart of Life; John Mayor

Life is tough. The Buddhist believe that life is suffering and yeah, they're partially right. Deep down I am optimistic about life and while I am not quite convinced that life is all suffering, it definitely is a fight at times. Each year is a another round and from time to time we are going to take hits and blows and we are going to get cut and bruised and knocked down from time to time. It takes a lot of strength and heart to pick yourself off the floor and keep fighting, keep living. There have been and there are going to be times when I do not want to get up and keep fighting, when all I just want to do is throw in the towel and while I have come dangerously close to considering it, I still fear the thought of retiring completely from the fight. The truth is that I have been a very naive and arrogant fighter. Every amateur or professional fighter knows this truth from the minute they enter a fighting ring or cage or square and receive that first punch to the jaw, kick to the leg, take down or whatever. That truth? That no fighter is invincible. That regardless of how good your defence is, you're still occasionally going to get hit and to conceive the false notion that you're going to go through life without taking your bumps is naive and is going to get you hurt in the long run.

"It is right it should be so;
Man was made for Joy and Woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro' the World we safely go.
Joe and Woe are woven fine,
A Clothing for the soul divine."
-Auguries of Innocence; William Blake

So no, I can not promise that this year will be different or that it will be better. That I will succeed any more this year than I did last year. Or that I can make up for the failures of my past or move on with my life when others have. I can not promise that I will no longer get depressed or melancholy from time to time; I realize now that I am not invincible. And as pessimistic as this all may sound, I am actually quite enlightened and hopeful for this year as I feel like I have come to a sort of compromise and understanding in my life, an epiphany I suppose. I do intend to try my best as always at all future endeavors, I do intend to seriously start training and competing in Taekwondo and improve as a martial artists, I hope to do better in school, and I hope I continue to meet and make new friends while keeping in touch with old friends all the same. I guess when I think about it, not much has really changed, just that now I realize that it's okay to stumble from time to time and that instead of trying to ignore my weakened resilience to depression I am staring my demons straight in the eyes. In the end, it is as my close friend has told me, it is not the radiant success nor utter failure, it is that resolve to reach that point in which we grow to value the most as we learn to live.

I'm a fighter and as long as I have the strength I'll keep fighting because that's what a fighter does; he doesn't give up, he doesn't quit, regardless of how many times he's been knocked down or cut, he keeps fighting. And that's what I'm going to do, keep fighting.